The Beauty of Grief
by xMissWhitneyBexx
Summary: Alone. Empty. Ethan seeks answers but is afraid to ask until Lily shows him how and he ends up helping her along the way.
1. Chapter 1

**I kept thinking of this idea in canon of 26th August episode and the following week's episode when Lily needs a date but according to the trailer takes Iain instead of Ethan so here is the aftermath in my view.**

* * *

Ethan patiently waited, his hands shaking as he took deep breaths. He could hear the faint sounds of laughing and giggling behind the door.

The door opened and he could see the smile turn into an evident frown.

"Ethan?"

"H-hey Lily," he swallowed, handing her the flowers. He didn't miss Iain standing shirtless by the kitchen door nor did he miss Lily's chosen attire of a black, silk robe. "I wanted to uh, say sorry for bailing on you. I'm sure you looked great and uh, your cousin..." He blinked, trying to continue getting the words out to prevent her from catching on. "Looked great too. So, enjoy your night."

Lily frowned, stopping him from leaving but she was pulled back.

"Leave him alone." She heard whispered into her ear. "You can't pressure him into staying."

"Ethan?" She said, ignoring Iain's gentle words.

Ethan looked down at her hand restricting his arm. He gently shook her off, slightly stumbling in the process. Using the fence for support, he turned away from them, blushing.

"Are you drunk, Ethan?" Lily asked, frowning even more.

Ethan gulped, shaking his head. "I have to go." He quickly walked away from her, preventing her from reaching out and pulling him back.

Lily sighed, going back into her home. She slightly shivered due to the gust of the wind which came from shutting her front door closed. Turning to Iain, she frowned.

"Did he seem okay to you?" She asked, going past Iain into the kitchen to get herself a glass of water.

"Of course he isn't okay but he seemed okay." Iain shrugged, wrapping his arms around her waist. "So, let's finish what we started." He nuzzled her neck, placing soft kisses onto it which caused her to giggle and turn around to capture his lips in a kiss.

"Bedroom?"

She was replied with a lift, her legs immediately wrapping around his waist as she grinned. "Bedroom indeed."

...

Lily sat up, grabbing her robe and putting it on. She stilled when Iain readjusted his sleeping position before slipping out of bed and getting properly dressed in the bathroom. When she was done, she put her trainers on, dumping the robe on her bedside table and making her way to the front door to get her car keys. She left a stickie note on the door and left, getting into her car with a sigh.

She buzzed three times on the caller and waited, pursing her lips together as she thought of words to say.

"Hello?"

"It's me."

The door beeped before buzzing continuously, allowing Lily to enter and close the door behind her. She went up the stairs and found another door opened. Stepping in, she found Ethan nursing a bloody hand.

"Ethan?!" She quietly exclaimed, rushing to the kitchenette to retrieve a dish cloth and some water. "What the hell happened?"

She felt his presence behind her, the stench of alcohol too much to ignore. "I... I don't know."

Lily turned around, immediately tending to the injury as she noticed the thin line of blood marking his wrist. "Did you...?" Her eyes trailed towards the coffee table where a bloody knife laid alongside some heavy spirits. "Ethan..." She breathed out, her eyes tearing up.

"I keep seeing him. I just... I wanted it to stop." Ethan sobbed, hanging his head down in shame. "I killed him."

"No! You didn't kill Cal-"

"I'm not talking about Cal..." Ethan swallowed, his tears falling off his cheek onto his grey shirt. "I let Scott die. I left him to _die_."

Lily gasped, pressing harder onto his wound, making him hiss out in pain. "Sorry." She apologised, her eyes going to the now blood filled rag. "You're drunk. You don't know what you're saying. Get some sleep-"

"You're not listening to me!" It was his turn to grab her wrist tightly as she gasped in pain. "He was choking and I-I walked away. I wanted him to suffer like he made Cal!"

Lily nodded, tears slipping down her cheeks. "And he did suffer. I treated him remember?" When he nodded, she continued gently. "I wanted him to suffer too. For what he did to Cal."

"You did?" Ethan whispered, his eyes wide.

"Yeah because you're hurting and I hate seeing you hurt and he was the cause of that hurt. You're my best friend, Ethan."

He shook his head. "But I was so mean to you. I said that you would die lonely. I'm a bad person, Lily. You don't want to be my friend." He let her wrist go, heading towards the opened bottle of alcohol, leaving Lily to stand by the sink with the bloodied rag.

"Ethan, you can't do this to yourself."

He turned to her, something that she'd never seen before in his eyes. Nothing. "What have I got to live for? I have no one and all of these ghosts haunting me. I wish it was me Scott stabbed and not Cal. He was always the stronger brother, he would have moved on easily but I can't. I'm weak and I know that."

Lily scoffed, shaking her head. "If you want to drink yourself to death and join Cal, then be my guest!" She threw the rag at him, heading towards the still opened door but she was stopped. She tugged her arm back but she wasn't quick enough to stop it from being grabbed again.

"I don't know who I am anymore Lily... Please, help me?"

Her breath hitched in her throat as she turned around to face Ethan once again, looking so defeated and tired.

"You know that no matter what, I'd always help you."

...

The next day, Lily was surprised to see Ethan walk into the staff room, putting his things away in the lockers and getting his scrubs. Smiling at her patient's partner, she excused herself and took the patient's notes into the staff room as an excuse to talk to him.

"Why the hell are you here?"

Ethan nearly jumped, turning to face her with bags under his eyes. "I couldn't stay at home. My mind was racing, I needed out." He mumbled quietly as he changed his shirts. "You left early."

"I needed to go home and change. I didn't sleep much so I had made you lunch and dinner. Seems like they're going to waste." Lily replied, looking through her patient's notes as Charlie walked past, curiously.

"Thanks for... you know, last night," Ethan said, leaning against her locker which was beside his.

Lily smiled at him. "You're welcome. If you need anything just ask. You could stick with me during this shift. I kind of told Mrs Beauchamp that you might not be in and she seemed to get it."

Ethan's face paled as he blinked multiple times, his tears wetting his eyes.

Alarmed, Lily placed her hand on his shoulder. "What happened?"

"I... I froze. Yesterday, we were treating a patient together in Resus and I froze. The patient's family member screamed in my face, begging me to help her and she said that I was a bad doctor who couldn't do my job. Mrs Beauchamp really gave it to me last night too, presenting me with a notice of compassionate leave. As of tomorrow, I'm taking six months leave."

Lily sighed, looking down to try and process this news. "Ethan, how did you let it get this bad? Is that why you... last night?"

He nodded, digging his nails into his palms deeply. "I could lose my job. Especially if Connie finds out what I did."

"That stays between us, okay? And you won't lose your job. Have you ever thought to get some grief counselling? It helped when my father died." Lily said gently, rubbing his shoulder.

"Connie said that too. I'm too scared that it would make things worse, not make me understand why things happened. My adopted mum was a psychiatrist and she would analyse Cal and me when we were kids until we were teenagers. Every little spat or fight between us or others, we were made to understand why things happened and that never let us move on. We would dwell until we forgot about it and it was just not important anymore. "

"Maybe that was because she was your mother and not someone looking at it from the outside. Try, for me?"

Ethan pushed himself off the lockers when he saw Connie walk in, arms folded. "Ethan, are you okay with working in cubicles with Dr Chao?"

He quickly nodded, leaving to get properly dressed.

"Lily, go easy on him. You and I both know that we can't always be there to pick up the pieces."

Lily nodded. "Of course."

"Are you okay? Iain was talking about your near miss." Connie asked.

Lily nodded. "I am fine. We just ran into a field of sheep, nothing serious."

"Take it easy. We can't have another vehicle accident regarding you, okay? I don't know how much my heart could take with..." She took a deep breath. "Keep Dr Hardy in check, yeah?"

"Yeah."


	2. Chapter 2

Lily smiled at her patient, following Ethan away from the cubicle to the reception desk.

"I found time to schedule an appointment," Ethan told her, updating their patient's notes.

She nodded, placing a comforting hand on his back. "If you need anything at all..."

"I know," he turned to face her. "You're here. Oh, uh, I found out about your car incident?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "I honestly do not know why people are talking about it. It was just a little accident. Iain crashed into a field full of some harmless sheep. We even laughed about it after before the farmer came and yelled at us. It's a story for the campfire."

Ethan smiled softly. "I'm glad you're okay. I don't know what I'd do if you were hurt again."

"Yeah, there's no Cal to save me now," Lily muttered before mentally kicking herself. "I...-"

"I get what you meant, don't worry. He really saved your life, you know? Your BP was dropping so suddenly, it was scary. I really thought that you were a goner but he saved you. He brought you back to me..." his voice wavered. "Uh, just don't be getting into any joy rides anytime soon, okay?"

Lily watched as he left her side, wiping his face as he headed into the staff room. She jumped when Charlie dumped files in front of her.

"Connie's chasing us on beds. Is your patient ready for discharge?" He asked her, not failing to notice Ethan's retreating form. "What happened, now? Did you-"

"He heard about my near miss yesterday and got really..." Lily blinked away her tears. "First the minibus, then Gem... now, this. I don't know how much loss he can take."

Charlie placed a gentle hand on her shoulder as she wiped her tears away and placed her hands on her hips. "He... is very emotional right now. All of us are trying to look out for you. It isn't your fault that you get caught up with all this bad luck but try and be more careful, for Ethan's sake?"

"It's not like I can avoid cars forever, can I, Charlie?" Lily replied softly. "I'll discharge my patient now."

She left his side as Charlie looked over to the open door of the staff room. He knew what he had to do.

...

"Seems nice, doesn't it?"

Ethan looked around the room once again, taking the time to study the detailing on the paintings and the fruit bowl which was most likely filled with fake but realistic looking fruit.

"Yes, it does." He replied back to Lily. "Thank you for coming with me."

"You're welcome."

The door opened and a brunette female in her early thirties wearing glasses exited the room. "Dr Ethan Hardy?"

Ethan gave Lily one last look and she smiled encouragingly. "I'll be right here."

He felt bad that she was missing work for him since it was now day one of his leave but she had wanted to. After yesterday, they both had been almost avoiding each other since their small chat about her nearly losing her life again. She thought she understood why he left her. If he detached himself emotionally from her, then if she got hurt or died - God forbid - he wouldn't be most affected.

"Are you ready? It's in your own time, don't worry."

He knew her name. Callie. Callie McKnight. If that was much of a coincidence then he didn't know what was.

Callie turned to Lily once she realised that Ethan wasn't budging. "Hi, I'm Callie McKnight. Are you Ethan's partner?"

"I'm his best friend, Dr Lily Chao. We also work together. I also was semi-close to his loved one who died." Lily swallowed deeply.

"Oh," Callie replied. "If you'd like, Ethan... Can I do the session here? With Dr Chao supervising."

Ethan turned to Lily with pleading eyes. He couldn't start this alone. He nodded, making Lily nod after him in confirmation.

"Okay." Callie walked back into her office to retrieve a couple of her items before coming back out and locking the main entrance door. "This is completely usual for some patients to feel like this. It happens quite often than you'd think." Dr McKnight said.

"Is there something else that we can refer to you as? Your name is quite similar to his brother's."

Callie blushed, nodding. "Urm, my middle name is Natasha. Is that any better?"

Lily nodded. "Perfect."

She kept quiet as Callie or Natasha as they knew her continued to ask Ethan questions about his life, about Cal and about his fears.

"What were the thoughts going through your mind when you cut yourself?"

Lily looked up at Ethan, biting her lip. She was also curious to find out his intentions.

Ethan took his time in answering, leaning back in his seat and resting his arms on the rests. "I wanted to be with Caleb."

"So you intended to die?"

"I don't know."

"You must know," Natasha pressed. "Caleb's dead, is he not? And you wanted to be with him. Hence, your intention was to commit suicide."

Ethan's eyes widened. "I didn't want to die though."

"Then there were other things on your mind as you drew the knife. Like what?"

He dug his nails into his left palm as he tried to avoid Lily's steely gaze. "I thought about a little girl..."

"Your daughter?"

"No. Niece. Well, she wasn't biologically Cal's but she was as good as. I thought about her coming to find Cal only to find me and I tell her about him dying. She would be two now, I think."

Natasha nodded. "She came into mind?"

"Yes."

"What else stopped you?"

Ethan finally turned to Lily. "The door."

"I'm guessing that Dr Chao was behind that door."

Ethan nodded, meeting Natasha's eyes. "I had also been drinking. She came in and she helped me. She stayed the night."

"Did she know of your intentions?"

Ethan scoffed. "Why do you think I'm here?"

"So, yes."

"Yes."

"I'm guessing you have a bit of survivor's guilt wafting through the air. This man who murdered your brother came out for you but he got in the way."

He looked away. "It should have been me, end of story." He sat up. "There's no survivor's guilt about it. Just plain guilt."

Natasha narrowed her eyes, continuing to write notes in her pad. "Going back to your suicide attempt. What else forced your hand?"

"My job. I had a bad day. My boss gave me compassionate leave."

"Do you think that was long overdue?"

Ethan shrugged. "I guess."

"What else made you cut yourself?"

Lily's breath hitched as she remembered two hours before she found him, standing in his living room with a bloody wrist all drunk, she and Iain were together.

Ethan swallowed deeply, refusing to reach Lily's eyes which Natasha noticed. "I saw a happy couple. I thought to myself that why were they happy when they knew what I was going through?"

"You felt jealousy?"

"Of their happiness. I wanted to be happy but I was just so... sad."

"Depressed is a word I'd say."

Ethan frowned. "Yes." He nodded. "I haven't felt happy since April."

"You're bound to still be grieving, especially since it was murder and not natural causes or an accident. I'm guessing the murderer got off?"

"He was never charged. Now, he's dead." Ethan replied quietly. "He would never stand trial for what he did to me. He took the one thing I had left and killed him."

"You have your niece?"

"Who's adopted into a great family in God knows where. I have no one."

Natasha tapped her pen in the direction of Lily. "You have Dr Chao?"

"I guess but she has her own life," Ethan said. "She's promised to help me but I can't expect her to drop everything for me."

Natasha turned to Lily. "Do you mind leaving the room? I think Ethan has got this."

Lily nodded mutely, taking her leave but not before placing a hand on Ethan's shoulder and squeezing it. He wished she hadn't left.


	3. Chapter 3

"Dr Chao?"

Lily turned around, the phone still pressed to her ear. "Yes?"

"My office. Five minutes."

She watched Mrs Beauchamp stalk off, looking suspiciously at Dylan and David before retreating to her office. Sighing she told the person on the other line that she was still listening.

"Thank you. I'll send my patient up now." She confirmed.

Lily ended the call and updated her patient's notes before handing them to Charlie who gave her a comforting smile before going off. She knocked on Connie's door and was told to come in and sit down.

"Uh, I have to talk to you about Dr Hardy," Connie said. "You know that I've given him compassionate leave but that was after he gave me this," she unlocked her drawer and retrieved a letter, handing it to Lily.

"What is this?"

Connie sighed, folding her arms. "Ethan's attempt of a resignation."

"Did you accept it?" Lily asked, reading the contents. "Oh."

Connie nodded. "Exactly. I did not accept it, no. But do you understand why I'm showing you this?"

Lily shook her head, biting her lip as she put the letter back into his envelope and gave it to Connie who locked it away back in her drawer. "Why?"

"It wasn't your fault. We've established that Scott Ellison's death was accidental but that letter says otherwise. I can't be the only one looking out for Ethan and trying to mend his medical mistakes." Connie stood up, pacing behind her desk.

"I know. Ethan told me he did it but ultimately it was my fault. I should have acted quicker." Lily said softly. "Are you going to tell Mr Hanssen?"

Connie shook her head, frowning. "This stays between the three of us, okay? How is he doing? He told me that his first appointment was yesterday."

"I wouldn't know. I was told to leave and he was pretty withdrawn on the way home. I haven't seen him since, to be honest."

"Oh. Did he seem..."

"I don't know if I should tell you this but he tried to kill himself."

Mrs Beauchamp wasn't surprised. "I figured. It was a long time coming. That's why we need to focus on him more."

"Do you think he'll ever get over this?"

The Clinical Lead seated herself again, pulling her chair into the desk. "It's been four months. I'm not entirely surprised that he has not shown signs of moving on but he has been efficient at work so I have no reason to believe that he is a risk to himself, staff and our patients. Although it seems as if he is a risk to himself."

"What do you think I should do? It's not exactly my problem, is it? There's only so much I can do for him. Maybe I should call Alicia."

"Lily... You've known Ethan longer than Dr Munroe has. You have been through a tragic car accident with him, you have supported him through the death of both of his mothers. Now, you'll be there to support him." Connie said gently. "You're working another twelve-hour shift?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, Mrs Beauchamp."

"I'll have a word with HR. Check on Ethan, please."

Lily could see the desperation in Connie's eyes. She had failed one brother, she didn't want to fail the other.

"Of course, Mrs Beauchamp."

...

Ethan shakily pressed the buzzer, opening the door before collapsing back onto the sofa. He sighed, closing his eyes as he watched his guest enter and close the door behind them.

"Really, Ethan?"

"What do you want, Lily?"

Lily rolled her eyes, collecting the bottles of alcohol and going over to the sink. Alarmed, Ethan jumped up and followed her, trying to grab one back.

"No. Leave them!"

His cries went unheard as Lily emptied every bottle, using her elbow to gently coerce him away from her other arm. "You don't need them."

Ethan pushed her, going back to the sofa to dig his hands through the pillows. "Who says?"

"What happened yesterday? With Natasha?"

Victorious, Ethan pulled a bottle out and uncapped it, taking a deep gulp. "Shut up." He whispered.

"Excuse me?" Lily asked, turning around. She sighed, taking the bottle off his hand and took a sip. She was definitely going to need a drink herself after this. She quickly downed the bottle down the drain.

"Not... Not you," Ethan groaned, holding a hand up to his head. "He's still there, Lily."

"Who is?"

"Scott."

"But you confessed."

Ethan closed his eyes, tears slipping down his cheeks. "It made no difference. I'm still a murderer, Lily. You know that I am, Connie knows that and I know that."

"So you want to confess to the police?" Lily asked, sitting beside him. "Talk to me."

"I'm a good person, Lily. I am really..." His voice cracked as he opened his eyes to face her. "The only other bad thing I've done in my life is taken ten pounds from Matilda when I was thirteen and really wanted a new science book. How did I end up like this?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't know, you tell me."

"You're not going to give me the answers are you?" He chuckled bitterly.

She shook her head. "I will help you find them but I will not give them," Lily told him. "You are not a child, Ethan. You're thirty years old, get a grip."

She hadn't meant to sound too harsh but tough love was all she knew. She had disowned her aunt a couple of days ago on the day of her cousin's wedding but that was how it was like in her culture. Tough love so people would get there eventually on their own and not rely on other people who could let them down.

"You're not making this easy, Lily. Why are you even here? Don't you have work?"

"I do but you're more important right now."

Ethan laughed, taking a deep breath before shaking his head. "You know how to make a guy feel special," he told her with a little bit of malice laced into his words. "Go to Iain or someone else. You've poured all I had away."

"You're the one who begged me for help the other day. Wouldn't let me leave, remember? I had told you to drink yourself to death, try again."

She got up, feeling her phone buzz in her handbag. Retrieving it, she answered Iain's call.

"I had things to do, Iain. My mum needed me."

Ethan wondered why she lied. Weren't there no secrets between couples? Weren't his best friend and her boyfriend madly in love? He kept quiet nonetheless.

"You don't have to come over. She's... She doesn't know about you."

Lily put her bag on the coffee table and exited the room to go to the bathroom to continue her call. Ethan's eyes drifted to the contents of her bag. Keeping his eyes on the bathroom door, he took her bag and looked through. He frowned when he found a letter addressed to his brother.

Curiously, he took it - quickly checking the door - and read the letter.

It was an apologetic letter, saying that she was deeply saddened by his death and sorry that she didn't sit through the service as she was upset by Ethan's mild abuse to her prior when he had arrived. The letter also talked that she was very thankful for a second maybe third chance at life because of him. She also apologised for not being able to see him or treat him as she was confined upstairs and she apologised for arguing with him when they were on the same side but it was Sam who played her like a puppet against him. She also said that she would not fail Ethan since she failed him.

There were tear stains. Ethan brushed his fingers over the splotches. The door burst open and he felt the letter being taken away from his hands.

"Why did you write this?"

Lily swallowed deeply. "After hearing of his death... I was deeply saddened-"

"Talk like a human being, Lily."

"I felt guilty, okay? I felt guilty that I never got the chance to make things right because of Sam. I felt guilty that I caused myself to get hurt so I couldn't be there to try and save his life. You know I would have done everything to save him just like he did for me."

Ethan's breath hitched in his throat. "You do realise you're talking about the man who placed a bet to sleep with you?" He smiled softly at the not-so-fond memory.

"That same man saved my life," Lily replied, returning the smile. "Forget about our past mistakes and focus on the future lessons. I'll never be able to thank him but I am able to be here for you."

"I'm glad he saved you."

"So am I. And I'm going to save you."


	4. Chapter 4

Ethan woke up to the smell of breakfast being made. Still tired, he got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to meet Lily already dressed for the day, cooking eggs and bacon.

"You're awake. Can you open the baked beans? They're in the cupboard on my left."

Ethan complied, yawning as he opened the tin and placed it beside her.

"Get a bowl and warm them in the microwave, please."

Again, without question, he complied. "What is all this for?"

"I want to make sure that you're fed properly before I go to work. Also..., Natasha called. She has an opening at two in the afternoon."

Ethan sighed, rubbing his face as he retrieved the now hot bowl from the microwave and quickly placed it on the counter. "I'm seeing her tomorrow though."

"Maybe she believes that you need another session."

He replied with a shrug as he checked his phone, replying to a couple of texts. "Any suggestions for me to do?"

Lily pursed her lips, switching the hob off. "I have a shelf which I've been meaning to put up but Iain's has been working long shifts so I didn't want to inconvenience him."

"Great, I'll put them up."

"I have some things to take to charity as well."

Ethan nodded, accepting the food filled plate from her. "I might... I might get started on Cal's room. Natasha said that it might help with, you know, grief."

"I agree with her but it's up to you."

"Personally, it's too soon for me," Ethan mumbled, taking a small bite of his breakfast. "If I start moving things then it's like he's really not coming back."

Lily sighed. "Unless you want a corpse breaking out of a coffin and coming to yours to sleep then no. Cal's not coming back, Ethan."

"Graphic, Lily," Ethan chuckled. "I know that but it means that I'm getting rid of him. For good."

"Oh, Ethan..." Lily sat across from him, taking his hand tentatively. She wasn't overly used to signs of comfort or affection but since getting together with Iain, she found herself wanting more affection from people. It still made her uncomfortable but Ethan was her best friend. This wasn't any different from being worried whenever the other got into a tricky situation. "Memories are not based on material things. They're based on you. What you remember and what you reminisce on."

Ethan smiled at her. "Want to know something? You would have been a great sister."

"I don't quite think so. My patience is thin, I hate people touching my things-"

"Exactly a relationship between siblings. Cal and I always had to share when we were little and he didn't like that. He also used to yell at me whenever I was too slow to catch the bus to school with him. My first day in year seven, we missed the bus because I tripped and ripped my trousers. Cal yelled at me saying that he was on probation for being late the year before. I always felt bad since then."

Lily smiled. "I would have liked a sister, to be honest." She glanced down at her phone and gasped. "I'm going to be late! Look, the charity things are by the door and my shelf's in my room. I want it by my dresser."

She stood up, putting her phone in her bag and grabbing her coat and keys before heading out.

"I won't be back until tomorrow. I'm staying at Iain's tonight so dinner's on you."

Ethan waved her off at the front door. "I got things handled."

Halting by her moped she quickly walked back over to him. "See Natasha. Good try making me forget." She winked, smirking before leaving.

...

Lily glanced around before grabbing Iain's hand and dragging him into the lift. Her lips met his hungrily as he responded just as eager.

Pulling away, he placed his hands on either side of her head. "What was that for?"

"For standing you up. Ethan was in a bad place and..."

He sighed, nodding. "How is he? Connie announced to everyone that he was seeing someone that's why he would be away for six months."

"There are good sessions and there are bad. Whatever his counsellor is saying as him spinning in circles, I'm afraid to say the wrong thing to set him off. At the moment, it seems things have been alright."

Iain gave her a small smile. "I'm guessing you need a break?"

"Can I," she pulled him closer to her. "Stay over?"

"How can I say no when you're pulling those eyes on me?" He asked, kissing her again.

She grinned in the kiss, pulling him closer and closer for the best of five minutes.

"Dr Chao!"

Lily turned around, spotting Connie walking up to her. "Yes?"

"Where have you been? It's like you disappeared."

Lily smiled. "Oh, I was chasing some files from upstairs."

"Oh, okay. Well, I wanted to have you in with me in Resus but Dr Keogh took over." She gently manoeuvred Lily to the stairs, away from Noel's prying ears. "How's Ethan?"

Lily sighed, glancing down. "He's thinking of clearing Caleb's room."

"I don't think he's ready..."

"I don't either but if that is what his grief counsellor says then he should, right? I don't want to overstep the line when it comes to Ethan. I want everything to be at his-" She spotted Alicia, accepting files from Noel with a roll of her eyes. "Dr Munroe! A quick word?"

Connie raised her eyebrow as the blonde made her way over to her. "Yeah? What's up?"

"Ethan's staying at mine. I was wondering if you'd like to keep him company this evening?"

Alicia sighed. "We broke up for a reason," she mumbled. "But I'll see if I'm free. No promises."

As she walked away, Lily noticed that the bounce in her steps had completely gone. "As I was saying - sorry for that - I want everything to be at his own pace. It's been four months. I could barely look at my father's pictures _a year_ after his death."

"Well, if he thinks he's ready then he's ready. What's he doing now?"

Lily tucked her files underneath her armpit as she leant against the bannister. "DIY work at my flat. Doing charity shop runs... Hopefully, seeing his counsellor but now I'm not too sure about her."

"Well as long as he's busy, yeah?"

"What is he going to do for six months though? He could redecorate my whole bloody flat in that time but he needs to go back home at some point."

Connie nodded. "You're right. Just keep updating me yeah? And stay away from Iain for the rest of the shift. You two always go missing as soon as you lay eyes on each other." Connie smirked, leaving Lily blushing.


	5. Chapter 5

Lily placed a pile of books in front of Ethan, beaming. "Connie's agreed for you to retake your consultancy exams. OSCEs are right around the corner!"

"It's not the right time, Lily."

"You're bored out of your mind. You're redoing my whole flat. It's the right time. After yesterday's fiasco with my shelf, I think DIY's not exactly the right past time for you."

Ethan raised an eyebrow, bemused. "I did try."

"You lost three screws which I enjoyed stepping on this morning when I got back home." She yawned, returning to her dinner.

"Sorry about that."

"Did you see Natasha?"

Ethan shook his head. "She cancelled last minute. Someone needed her time more than I did. But I did get a visitor."

"Oh?" Inside, Lily knew a smile was coming on but she kept it to herself. "Here?" She was met with a nod. "Who?"

"Charlie."

The smile inside faded. "Oh, I guess I didn't remember seeing him at work today." She sipped her water, picking at her dinner.

Ethan smirked. "It wasn't Charlie." At her look of surprise, he carried on. "I know you sent Alicia to see me."

"I merely suggested that she could keep you company since she was only working for six hours."

"Well, I needed that. Thank you. We talked a lot. She's learning how to drive."

Lily chuckled. "I guess I should start learning myself. My moped's not exactly reliable these days."

"I offered to teach her," Ethan announced, taking Lily's finished plate to the sink.

She leant back, finishing her water before joining him at the sink to help him dry the dishes. "That's nice of you. Another thing to do in the six months off."

"Yeah. Okay, you're right."

"I'm right?"

"No, I mean Mrs Beauchamp's right. I think retaking my exams are exactly what I need right now." Ethan left her side, picking up a book from the dining table. "Revision, something I'm not too fond of doing but I'll get through it."

Lily chuckled, wiping her hands dry as she placed a supporting hand on his shoulder. "You'll smash these exams. I'll even help you revise for them!"

Ethan shook his head, a smile appearing on his face. "With your twelve-hour shifts and awkward love affair with Iain? I got Mrs Beauchamp's number, thank you."

Lily swatted him with the dishrag as she humphed. "Suit yourself."

"I got the email, you know? I couldn't exactly make it to the staff room but from what Alicia told me, it was like you expected an award for getting with Iain."

"Hey!"

He continued with a grin, sitting at the table and opening his book. "I mean, everyone could see it. Even _I_ could and I'm not even there. I always saw it, you know? Sorry about what I said at Cal's funeral - you guys make a nice couple."

"Nice to have the seal of approval from my best friend," Lily blushed. "Thank you. You don't have to keep apologising, I'll always forgive you anyway."

Ethan tried his luck with, "You sure about that? What if I were to punch Iain, will you forgive me then?" He joked.

Lily missed this. The two of them and their weird but comfortable conversations. Their guards let down around each other. The intimacy one shared with their best friend. "Keep going and you'll lose your get out of jail free cards."

...

"I can't wait for my Saturday off..." Lily yawned, accepting the cup of tea from Charlie as Connie entered.

"Ah, Dr Chao, you are in."

Lily nodded, blowing her tea before taking a small sip. "Am I on Resus duty?"

"Oh no, cubicles, please. I wanted an update on Dr Hardy. Did he take the books?" Connie asked, taking a cup from Charlie as he prepared more water for more tea.

Lily nodded again. "He wasn't thrilled at first, more surprised and doubting but I got him excited. I guess it will make it seem as if he's still working even though it isn't physical and hands on."

"Wonderful. Well, I'll see if he can come in tomorrow so we can start revision." Connie smiled, leaving the room with her tea as Lily leant back the counter in relief.

"Why are you so relieved for?" Charlie chuckled, finally sipping a tea he made for himself.

Lily shrugged. "Ethan's been cooped up in my house. He's afraid to go home so coming out will do him some good. Hmm, I'll even see if he wants to go jogging tomorrow morning. I haven't been hitting the gym as much as I would like to."

Lily's shift went with a breeze. Cubicles turned out to be less stressful than they had been two days ago and her patients had been relatively nice and easygoing. As long as they were not racist or insulting, she was fine to treat anyone.

"You look relaxed," Iain commented as they met up for tea. "How can you be? You've got a full house here."

"My patients have been no trouble." Lily grinned, leaning against the wall as she accepted a kiss. "What about you?"

Iain rolled his eyes. "Can we have last night again?" He asked her, making her giggle.

She pursed her lips. "It was fun." She admitted with a smile. "Unfortunately, I have plans with Ethan."

"Plans, huh?"

"Yes. We're going to watch a film. It was released on Wednesday and we've both been dying to watch it. He managed to get us midnight viewings."

Iain smirked. "Exciting. Although, I could think of a hundred other midnight viewings."

She pushed him back lightly. "I seriously hope that isn't on your mind all the time," she chuckled. "Otherwise, I'd be worried."

"You have nothing to worry about with me. Enjoy your evening and night." He placed a kiss on her lips and threw his cup in the bin. "See you tomorrow then."

"See you," she replied, waving at him as he walked off. "I'll miss you..." She added quietly.

...

Ethan got into his car as Lily settled beside him, putting her seatbelt on. "The film was great," he said, putting his own seatbelt on. "I'm glad you convinced me to get out of the house for once."

Lily yawned. "You're welcome," she covered her mouth. "To be honest, I don't think allowing myself to sleep for only four hours is good though."

"You can fall asleep. We just have to make a quick stop at a 24 hour Tesco to restock the fridge. I forgot to do so since I got too involved with revision."

"That's fine. Just make it quick."

Ethan nodded, turning over to see that she had already fallen asleep. Smiling to himself, he drove to the nearest open supermarket and parked right beside the store. He made the shopping trip as quick as he could before returning to the car and making the way back to Lily's. She was still asleep and he soon realised that her intentions were not to wake up anytime soon. She did have to get up in less than four hours.

Bracing himself, he undid her seatbelt and his before picking the shopping from the backseat and taking them inside into the kitchen. He returned and went about lifting Lily up into his arms before settling her on the sofa so he could go and close the car door and lock it before closing the front door.

"Lily? We're home."

She groaned, refusing to open her eyes as she swatted at him to not touch her. "One more minute..."

Ethan laughed to himself, realising that she didn't want to get up. "I'm going to bed. Good-"

"You better take me to my bed."

He raised an eyebrow before complying to her demand. "I hope you won't ask me to change you into your pyjamas."

She yawned, stretching. "Oh, God no! I have a boyfriend for-"

"Too much information, Lils." Ethan cringed, turning her bedside lamp on. "Night."

"Goodnight. And thank you."

He smiled. "No, thank you."


	6. Chapter 6

Lily noticed the dip in temperature as Autumn finally made itself known. It was now mid/late-September and Ethan had been shown signs of moving on, now dedicating himself to perform the best in his exams. Speaking to Natasha had also helped since the previous week, Lily and Charlie had helped Ethan clear out Cal's room, deciding things he'd keep to wear or things to donate to charity. He had kept most things, also finding the time to sort out his wardrobe and dressers with his old new clothes.

"Are you ready for your revision session?" Lily asked, pulling her scarf to cover her nose which had been showing signs of an incoming cold. Her other arm was linked with his to help steady her in her heels.

"I'm ready. What about you? You're leading in Resus today."

She yawned. "Definitely ready," she replied. "Urgh, I hate this weather. Why couldn't you get your car fixed last week?"

"Because it only broke down yesterday," Ethan replied, chuckling. "Should we call Iain?"

"No, he's already on call this morning. We could wait for the bus but then I'll be late."

Ethan raised an amused eyebrow. "By five minutes, Lily."

"Let's just walk..."

"Says the woman who complained in the first place."

Lily rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless. "Watch it, Hardy." Her smile faltered as a tingling sensation tried to rise from her throat.

"Lily, are you okay? You don't look too-"

His sentence was cut short when she let go of his arm, rushing to the nearest bush to empty her stomach contents.

"Lily!"

Ethan was by her side within seconds, holding her hair back.

Once she was done, she wiped her mouth with the tissue he gave her. "I... Maybe the porridge didn't agree with me..." She mumbled, collecting some mints from her handbag.

"Are you feeling okay?"

She shrugged, shaking her head in confusion. "I've never thrown up before out of the blue."

"How about you call in sick and I stay home to help you? I'm sure I can miss a revision session and revise from home."

Lily shook her head. "We're understaffed. I need to be at work. It's probably just my cold."

Ethan accepted her answer, rubbing her back as they continued to walk to work. "Lily... Excuse me if I'm overstepping the line but could you possibly be pregnant?"

Lily's eyes widened as she stopped, turning to face Ethan. "No... Iain and I... I don't think so." Her hands started to shake as she took a deep breath. "Can you do something for me?"

"Of course," Ethan said. "What do you need me to do?"

"Take a blood test from me."

"But I can't. I can't work."

Lily sighed, looking around. "We'll do it in a cubicle and I'll send it upstairs myself. Please, Ethan. I have to know."

...

"Are you okay, Dr Chao?" Elle asked as they left Resus.

"I'm fine, Dr Gardner. Just had an uneasy morning."

Elle smiled. "I get what you mean. I didn't want to come into work today. I seemed to love my bed more than usual this morning."

Lily chuckled, going over to the phone. "I just need to chase up some bloods. Can you order the scans?"

"Of course," Elle said, going back into Resus as Lily placed the phone down and hurried to the lift. She pressed the button, the doors sliding close as Ethan quickly squeezed himself through.

"I'm coming with you."

Lily gave him a smile, pressing the button to close the doors again. It seemed like forever but they finally reached the floor and Lily exited the lift first going up to the desk.

"Uh, I sent a blood test up earlier. Have the results come in, yet?" Lily asked, drumming her nails on the desk.

The receptionist gave her a smile, handing over a file.

Lily thanked her and walked off, Ethan following her as they walked towards the lift. "Let's go to the roof."

Ethan nodded, placing his hand on her shoulder as they went for the stairs instead before stepping out into the cold air.

"Well, what does it say?"

Lily sighed, opening the results envelope. Her eyes scanned the sheet of paper as she breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Negative."

"That's good, right?" Ethan asked.

Lily nodded. "I guess, yeah. I mean... I'm way past my five-year plan and I know that I want to have children but Iain and I have only just got together. We're not ready at the moment."

Ethan put his arms around her shoulders, making her lean against him. "I'm sorry, then."

She smiled a little. "You don't have to be. It's fine. I'm fine."

...

Robyn smiled when Lily returned, handing her files. "Hey, there you are! Your patient's scan results."

"Thank you," Lily smiled. Her mood had definitely changed and Ethan noticed that, watching from the open door of Connie's office. He was still worried about what was making her unwell but he figured that she was right. It was her incoming cold.

"Oh, guess what?" Robyn asked, watching as Lily typed up the results.

"What?"

Robyn smiled brightly. "We have a new paramedic! She used to be a registrar here. You might know her?"

Lily frowned. "Who?"

"Sam Nicholls. There was a whole thing between her and Dylan - they were married-"

"I thought she was married to Tom Kent?"

Robyn chuckled. "This is before! But all that went bust up when Sam cheated on Dylan with Iain..."

Lily stopped typing. "W-what?"

"Yeah, Sam and Iain had this big affair. That destroyed their marriage."

Lily's breath hitched in her throat as she cleared it, continuing to update her patient's online files. Once she was done, she met Ethan in the staff room.

"You feeling better?"

Lily nodded. "A little." She watched as Ethan underlined notes in his book. "How's revision going?" She smirked.

He rolled his eyes. "Trust me, when I become a consultant I'll be on your back to take your exams."

"Hmm, I think I'm fine with being a registrar, for now, Ethan. We have a new paramedic, did you know?"

Ethan looked up. "Yes. Sam. She's nice, isn't she?"

"I guess."

He smirked. "You don't like her?"

"I knew her. Although, we were mere acquaintances. I don't really remember her to be honest. Apparently, she and Iain had an affair whilst she was married to Dylan."

"You're kidding."

"No. I'm just wondering why he hasn't come to tell me, yet."

Ethan gave her a look. "Are you going to tell him about the pregnancy scare?"

She scoffed. "Well played, Hardy."

"Well, I'm going to mine. I'm going to try and attempt to stay there without drinking or the other thing."

Lily gave him a tight hug. "Good on you, Ethan. Since you won't be home and I can't be bothered to cook for myself, I'll head over to Iain's. I'll probably stay there tonight."

"Well, good luck."

"For what?"

"I know you'll tell him.

She blushed. "Well, good luck to you too. Don't hurt yourself, please."

Ethan gave her a small smile. "I promise."


	7. Chapter 7

Ethan placed the empty bottle on the coffee table, picking his phone up again. His thumb hovered over Lily's name and he pressed it, placing the phone to his ear. He waited but the other line didn't pick up. Throwing his phone beside him, he rubbed his face and glanced at the shut door.

He thought he could do it. The moment his eyes closed, he saw him. Saw him stumble through the front door, drunk. He saw him plop himself on the sofa, chuckling as Ethan tried to take his shoes off and hand him a glass of water.

Not being able to take it, Ethan had got out of bed and headed straight for the fridge, glad he bought the six-pack of beers.

Now, he found himself regretting staying here. He wanted to go to Lily's with her grey mugs that had inspirational writing and her white walls instead of the depressing beige he was staring at right now.

He thought he had left five missed calls by now. He had forgotten Lily's spare keys at hers when he went to pick up some things earlier and now he had regretted it.

Ethan felt his hands shaking as a voice nagged in his head. Pressing his hands to his eyes, he tried to stop the incoming tears.

"Shut up, Scott..."

This was starting to not feel like home anymore.

His hand reached for his phone again and he pressed another name before placing the phone back onto his ear. This time, it picked up.

"I need you..."

 _"I'm on my way."_

...

"You've been quiet."

Lily turned to face Iain, her head snuggling deeper into his shoulder. "Just don't feel like talking today."

"Are you mad at me, Lily?" Iain asked, gently stroking her arm.

She shook her head. "So, Sam Nicholls is back."

A smile planted itself on his face as he gently squeezed her shoulder. "She was amazing today but she could have left the patient at risk."

"I know." Lily leant up, turning the TV off. "Why didn't you tell me about her return before?"

"What do you mean?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Robyn told me about what happened between the two of you and Dr Keogh."

"Ah,"

"Well?"

Iain sighed. "It was a long time ago. If you're worried that I'd cheat on you, don't be. I love you and I was stupid back then. I should never have pursued a relationship with a married woman. I'm not that man anymore."

Lily nodded. "Good because I'd hate you."

"Wouldn't expect any less, Lils." He placed a kiss on her lips, making her smile.

"I need to tell you something, Iain."

Iain pulled away, tucking her hair behind her ear. "What is it?"

"I had a pregnancy scare."

He jolted back, placing both hands on her shoulders to check for any injuries and her stomach. "Are you-"

"No. I thought I was... Turned out to be a spot of food poisoning. But I've been thinking about it."

Iain looked away from her. "Lily... I don't think we're re-"

"I know that but I do want children. I'm ready but we're not ready for that step."

"Well, let's just take it a day at a time, yeah?"

Lily smiled. "Yeah."

...

Connie handed Ethan a file. "We are going to start off with a case study..."

Ethan gulped, taking the file from her hands. "Is it a patient you're treating right now?"

"Not exactly." Connie ran a hand through her hair. "I want your opinion."

"Are you sure?"

Connie raised an eyebrow. "You'll be a consultant very soon. Your opinions will be valued at a point so let's get started now."

Ethan nodded, taking the file and scanning it. His eyes stopped at a name. "Mrs-Mrs Beauchamp?"

"Yes, Dr Hardy?"

He looked up at her. "But these are your scans?" His eyes read over the notes and studied the scans. "These were taken a couple of days ago."

Connie sighed. "What do the scans show, Dr Hardy."

Ethan frowned, looking up at her. "A g-growth."

"Indeed."

His mouth opened and closed as his eyes darted from her to the file and back again. "Mrs Beauchamp, are you ill?"

Connie's breath hitched in her throat as tears threatened to fall. She could see the confusion in Ethan's eyes and the pain behind that confusion. Connie realised that this was probably a bad idea. Ethan had already suffered a loss and now someone he had known for years, worked with for years... she too was probably going to die.

She grabbed the file back and opened her drawer, throwing it in before closing it shut and locking it. She took a sip of her tea and casually smiled.

"How about a roleplay instead?" She placed her mug back onto her desk and cleared her throat. "Okay, so I am a fourteen-year-old..."

...

Lily was glad to be back home. Not that staying at Iain's was ever bad but after a long shift, she had longed for her bed.

She jumped when she turned on the lights to see Ethan staring blankly at a wall as he sat on the sofa.

"Jesus, Ethan..." She breathed out, holding her hand to her chest. "Thought you'd be asleep by now."

She was met without a reply as she placed her handbag and jacket on the sofa beside him and headed to the kitchen.

"Want some tea?" Lily waited for a reply and received none. Sighing, she filled the kettle up just enough for two teas and placed it on the charger, turning around to face Ethan. "What happened?"

Ethan opened his mouth, turning to face her. Now, he wasn't too sure that he should tell her. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"Okay..."

"I couldn't handle it last night."

Lily nodded. "I figured. I saw you looking like a zombie all day. I tried putting you off my mind but I kept worrying. Did you eat at least?"

Ethan frowned. He didn't remember eating much last night or today. Connie had given him a sandwich and yoghurt which she had instructed Charlie to make sure he ate them but that was about it. He checked the time, 10:26 PM.

"Would you like some lasagna?"

Lily watched as he stood up and opened the fridge, taking the microwave meal out before piercing the film lid with a fork.

"Yes please," she finally replied once she realised that he was already settling about to prepare it. "I'm sorry I missed your calls..." It seemed as if Ethan had completely ignored her today and she felt bad. After telling Iain about their pregnancy scare, she had participated in actions which could produce another scare. Thinking about it made her blush furiously.

"It's fine," Ethan replied, giving her a small hug. "I called Alicia. She came over and we talked."

"That's good."

"I drank. It was only two beers-"

"But you're trying." Lily finished for him, taking over in preparing their dinner as he leant against the counter.

He turned away from her. "I had a dream about Cal. Then, I couldn't stop seeing Scott taunting me. It got too much for me to handle."

"You're getting there. This was a minor setback, you're okay." Lily assured him. "We will get there. Do you need to call Natasha?"

Ethan shook his head. "No. I'm fine." He leant against her, smiling as he flicked a piece of meat on her.

"Ethan!" She squealed, jumping back as she got a tissue to wipe her cheek. A smile grew on her face as she giggled. "Sometimes, I do not get you."

"But you love me anyway."

She rolled her eyes, smiling. "Yes. Now, I know that there is something else on your mind. Care to share?"

"Mrs Beauchamp gave me a difficult case study today. Just a bit disheartened that I couldn't fully diagnose it."

Lily sighed, giving him a sad smile. "You'll get there eventually. And when you do, it will be a walk in the park."

"But as a doctor, we're supposed to diagnose and treat on time."

"True but this was a case that already has been treated. You were just revising from it."

Ethan shook his head. "I know but I could be too late to do anything about it. The patient could die because I was not quick enough to find out her diagnosis."

"The patient was female?"

Ethan's eyes widened. "I'm guessing. There was no name but there was a brief lifestyle description so I guessed."

"Oh." Lily accepted his answer. "Ethan, it's not every time we can get things on the first go. Sometimes we're quick and successful or late and still successful. You can't possibly get a plan for every treatment and every patient. There will be good cases and bad cases but that will not make you any less of a good and capable doctor. You _will_ pass these exams and become the best damn consultant you can be but you won't be able to do that if you keep doubting yourself. You need to get your confidence back because it will be a shame to see someone as bright, caring and capable as you fail. You can do this."

Ethan gave her a smile. "I knew there was a reason why I hated being alone at my place. Thanks, Lily."

"You're very welcome."


	8. Chapter 8

As soon as Ethan and Lily stepped into the ED, Ethan went straight to Connie's office.

"See you later, too!" Lily muttered under her breath with a raised eyebrow.

Stepping into the office, Ethan was met with alarmed eyes.

"Dr Hardy? Your revision session does not start until" she checked her watch. "Three-thirty."

Ethan closed the door behind him and sat down. "Your notes...-"

"What about them?" Connie breathed out, swallowing deeply.

"A cancerous growth in your heart... Let me help you."

Connie chuckled, taking a sip of water. "I have a private hospital for that."

"I know but... Connie, you've been a great help to me and I can't let this happen to you. You have Grace." Ethan replied. He shook his head in disbelief as he realised that she could leave her daughter. Her only child. "What I'd give for more time with my mums. In the end, cancer took one and Huntington's took the other."

Connie slowly nodded. "I remember."

"Let me help you get that time with Grace."

The clinical lead pursed her lips before nodding. "You'll be researching this. Come back to me with a research project and another case study. Then, I'll let you speak with my doctor."

Ethan smiled widely before it faded. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Connie mumbled, gesturing for him to leave. "You can go now."

Ethan blushed, nodding before standing up and leaving with a small smile.

...

Lily sighed, rubbing her head as Ethan talked to her about his given assignment and how he was given 'another chance' to prove himself.

"Hmm, that's nice."

"Lily? Are you okay?"

Lily nodded, not taking her eyes off the computer screen. "I'm fine. Just a bit swamped."

"Oh. Sorry. I'll just go to the staffroom and get some more work done."

She paused, turning to face him. "You don't have to go. In fact," she glanced around. "You can help me determine this diagnosis. I know you're not meant to be working but-"

Ethan was surprised. The great Lily Chao was asking him for help? "Of course. I won't tell if you won't tell." He winked at her.

She chuckled, shaking her head. "You have my word, Dr Hardy."

Once he had helped her diagnose her patient correctly and had them sent away for tests, Lily had gone to search for her boyfriend but had failed in finding him at the ambulance bay.

Bumping into Josh by accident, Lily gently held onto his arm for balance.

"Sorry, Lily. Are you okay?"

"Oh, yes. No problem." She replied, frowning.

Josh became curious. "Tell me what's wrong. You seemed to be away with the clouds."

Lily smiled softly. "I was wondering if Iain was around? Is he with Sam?"

Josh shrugged. "I wouldn't know. Only saw him once before he was called out. Since then, I've been getting called out myself consecutively so I believe we would miss each other regardless."

"Oh, okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

With that, she was on her way to the staffroom since it was her break anyway. She was glad to meet Ethan with his head buried in a book, sitting on the sofa.

"Hi."

Ethan quickly glanced at her, his hand quickly scribbling in his notepad. "Hey."

"How are you getting on? I hope I didn't take too much of your revision time." She walked up to him, sitting beside him as he drew his notepad to his chest. "What are you writing that you don't want me to see?" She asked. "Is it anything about me?" She teased.

Ethan chuckled. "You wish," he told her. "No, they're for Alicia." He hated how this lie came easily for him to roll off his tongue.

"Interesting," Lily said.

"Oh, and you didn't take too much of my time. I just have to quickly get some things memorised. I have a revision session at three-thirty."

Lily smirked. "Is Mrs Beauchamp giving you a pop quiz as they call it in America?"

"You could call it that."

Lily's smile faded as she stood up, heading towards the kettle. "Do you want some tea?"

"A quick one. Got only thirty minutes."

"Okay."

"I won't be home today," he started. He kind of felt weird for referring to her home as his but it seemed to save time.

She paused slightly. "Why not?"

Ethan thought about it deeply. The last time he hadn't stayed at hers, he'd had got drunk and cried on Alicia when she had come to stay with him. He wasn't looking forward to that.

"I want to actually try and stay at mine. To have a good night's sleep without hurting myself."

Lily smiled to herself. He was definitely showing signs of moving on. Her work was nearly complete.

"I also want to stop seeing Natasha, I have things handled from here."

She stirred her tea quietly, letting him continue.

"I also want to redecorate my place. Not completely get rid of Cal, I'll have all the photos of him up but just make it seem brighter. I want to have a new start. Caleb would have wanted that."

Lily nodded, turning to give him his tea. Once she did, she returned to hers. "That is good, Ethan. I guess I'm happy to get my flat back."

Ethan scoffed playfully. "Happy? More elated, I believe. I won't be there to leave the toilet seat up."

"Now, now. Don't mistake my hospitality for annoyance..." She grinned. "I'm glad for you, honestly."

"Thanks, Lily. You've been a great support these past months and I don't know how to repay you."

Lily's eyes watered as she took a deep breath in. "You don't have to do anything."

Alarmed, Ethan stood up to console her. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Lily shook her head, wiping her tears as a smile graced her lips. "Nothing."

"You're sad I'm leaving you."

She chuckled lightly. "Yeah. Cal would have been so proud of you, Ethan." She whispered, tears falling down her cheeks. "I'm proud of you. Especially since you're nearing your exams and I know that you will smash them."

"You know that no matter what happened between you, Cal would have still cared about you. He was your friend, Lily. He didn't save your life because he had to. He wanted to. He demanded to."

Lily nodded. "I just feel so guilty for the way I treated him."

"It wasn't your fault. He forgave you the minute he saved you."

"And I forgave him the minute he saved me too,"

...

Lily waited. She stared intently at her phone, almost willing for it to ring.

She had faith in him. She wanted him to succeed but a little bit of her liked being needed. Someone's shoulder to lean on.

She had declined calls from Iain, sending him a simple text explaining that she had a stressful day and wanted to be alone but she had kept the sound on just in case.

And she was right.

"Hello?"

 _"I'm outside..."_

Lily hung up. Getting up from her sofa, pulling her blanket tighter against her body as she went to answer the door.

"What happened?"

Ethan shrugged. "I hated the silence. They made the nagging worse."

She stood aside, letting him through before closing the door and following him to the sofa.

"I was fine at first. I didn't drink or anything but then I started doubting myself after unsuccessfully coming up with a treatment plan for a case study that Mrs Beauchamp wants on her desk tomorrow. Then the voice at the back of my mind came to haunt me. Then, I couldn't focus and I gave up."

Lily nodded. "Wine?"

"You have work tomorrow."

"Not until noon."

She stood up, grabbing a bottle from the fridge and opening it. She poured herself a glass and turned to face him.

"Fine."

She smiled, pouring another glass and closing the bottle.

"I'm glad that you can talk to me, you know."

Ethan nodded. "I want to thank you again."

Lily responded by hugging him before taking a slow sip from her glass.

"Tomorrow, we'll try again. I will help you feel safe in your home again."


	9. Chapter 9

Lily was glad. It was finally after work, a little past eight in the night. She had a strange day, it wasn't good but it wasn't bad. In between.

Iain had asked her if she had wanted to go for a drink after work and she had jumped at the chance but he had come to tell her that _Sam_ was also joining them after a short training session that they had together.

She spotted Ethan leaving the ED, walking towards her.

"Hey, you. I know you said that you were going for a drink with Iain but I wondered if you wanted me to make you some dinner anyway. I'm thinking of my famous spaghetti and sausage."

Lily shook her head, smiling at his thoughtfulness. "Why don't you join us instead?"

"But-"

"Sam will be there."

"Ah."

Lily nodded. "Yes." She pursed her lips. "Care to join?"

Ethan chuckled. "Why not?" He followed her into the pub, joining Sam and Iain who both were talking about Iain losing to Sam during bench presses.

"Hello." Lily greeted, sitting beside Iain as Ethan sat beside Sam. "I hope you don't mind but Ethan wanted to join us."

Iain shook his head, smiling. "No, I'm glad you're out and about, Ethan. How are you, mate?"

"I'm good, thank you. Can I buy you guys drinks?"

Iain raised his hand. "Nah, I've got this one. What would you like? I know Lily's a white wine lady and Sam's a beer person so that leaves you."

Ethan glanced at Lily who offered him a small smile. "Actually, I'd just love a glass of water. Got a night full of revision to do."

"Perfect."

They watched as Iain stood up and went to the bar.

"So, you're Dr Hardy?"

Ethan nodded, holding his hand out. "Yeah. I've been away but I'm doing admin and revision work."

"Iain told me about... I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Thank you. I'm just taking it a day at a time. So you used to be a registrar?"

Sam nodded, leaning back. "Yeah, but I think I prefer the life of a paramedic more. Less stressful and more rewarding. I get to the patients first and I comfort them and instil confidence in them to continue their treatment in the hospital."

"That is a lovely way of looking at it. Isn't it, Lils?"

Lily nodded, smiling. "At the end of the day, a doctor finishes the job."

Sam pursed her lips, her eyes showing a bit of amusement. "Nice nickname for Dr Chao. When I knew her, everyone called her 'Ice Queen'. Anyway, Ethan, was it?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Why don't you sit beside Lily? I'd love to show you both some pictures."

Ethan nodded, sitting beside Lily as Sam took her phone out.

Before she could go through her pictures, Iain returned with their drinks, sitting beside Sam. "You've changed the seating arrangements." He noticed. "Everything good?"

Sam nodded, patting his shoulder twice. "All is good. Ethan just wanted to sit beside Lily."

Ethan and Lily shared a confused glance but refused to bring it up.

"Stealing my girlfriend from me, mate?" Iain joked, sipping his beer. "So, you wouldn't believe what Sam and I got into this morning..."

...

Ethan sighed, watching as Lily slammed the cupboard doors shut as she looked through each one.

"Did you see her?" She asked. "She was blatantly flirting with him!"

"Lily... are you jealous?"

Lily turned to face him, fury masking her porcelain features. "Jealous?!" She screeched. "Sam's cheated once with Iain, it may very well be the case but reversed. Now it will be him cheating."

Ethan leant against the counter, gently coercing her hand to close the cupboard quietly. "Do you trust Iain?"

"Yes-"

"Then that is all you need to know. Sam or no Sam, he loves you. And from what I heard, Sam and Dylan's marriage was over anyway."

Lily sighed, rubbing her face. "I don't know... Iain was ignoring me all day and everywhere I turn, they're together."

Ethan rubbed her shoulders before bringing her in for a hug. "I'm sure that they're catching up on lost time. You and Iain are great together."

She smiled, feeling slightly reassured. "Sorry for going all Godzilla on..."

"You're alright. Now, do you still want my special spaghetti and sausage?"

She chuckled, setting some water to boil. "Go ahead, Mr Chef."

Once they were finished with dinner, Lily decided to go to Iain's.

"Are you sure?" Ethan asked as he wiped his hand dry after washing the dishes. "It's quarter past ten."

"Yes, I'm sure. We only spent thirty minutes nursing our drinks before coming home to your lovely dinner. I just want to finally spend time with Iain alone today."

Ethan nodded, grabbing his jacket. "I'll drop you off. I can also pick you up later?"

"Oh, if you want to. I don't want to cut into your revision time. I heard Connie saying that you're taking them late December."

He groaned, making her giggle. "Don't remind me. Come on, then."

They got to Iain's at around twenty-five past ten and saw that the lights were still on.

"Great. Now, I won't disturb his sleep." Lily beamed, getting out of the car. "See you tomorrow."

"See you. I'll just wait until you're safely inside."

Lily shook her head, closing the car door. "You don't have to. I," she dug into her pocket to retrieve something. "Have key."

Ethan raised an amused eyebrow. "See, you guys are okay. Iain even gave you a house key."

"I guess you're right..." Lily sighed. "Well, enjoy your revision."

"Enjoy your evening." Ethan started the car, waving as Lily opened the front door.

He decided to wait just a little longer. It was dark and anything could happen.

Once he was satisfied that she was safe or he assumed that she was, he turned on the radio and began to drive away but he was stopped by frantic knocking on the back window before the passenger door opened.

"Take me home."

"Lily?"

"Just go, Ethan. Please."

Ethan obliged, waiting for her to shut the door behind her to drive off, turning the radio off.


	10. Chapter 10

Lily looked up from her patient's notes.

"Yes?"

"I really need a driving instructor."

She raised an eyebrow at Alicia. "Where's Ethan?"

Alicia shrugged. "I don't know! Lily, I've just driven over my instructor's foot and now nobody wants to help me and Mrs Beauchamp has Ethan busy with God know's what. Please!"

Lily sighed, holding a finger up and writing down notes quickly. Once she was done, she placed the lid back on the pen and gave the notes to a nurse passing by, ordering instructions.

"I... I don't have a car."

Alicia waved it off. "Charlie's borrowing his. Shall we?"

Lily chuckled. "We shall."

As Alicia rushed off, Lily was stopped by Ethan.

"Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You didn't say a word once we got home. What happened at Iain's?"

Lily shook her head. "Not now. I have to clean up your mess with Alicia." She smirked, walking off. "Oh, and do take it easy. Don't get burnt out revising."

Ethan rolled his eyes, sighing as he looked around to see if anyone's eyes were on him before heading towards a computer and typing in 'Lucy Peterson' into a fresh patients notes document.

Once he was done, he phoned to check if there were any free theatre rooms which would be vacant for forty minutes or so for a teaching demonstration for interns and was relieved to find one free for just under an hour.

"Well?" Connie asked when he had returned to her office. "Is one free?" She asked breathlessly.

"Yes." Ethan gently bit his tongue in order to stop him from judging her again. She had already threatened him with his 'confession' in his letter.

She nodded. "Good. Now, take me there."

...

"You just need to find the biting point. If all else fails, think of something that calms your mind."

Alicia scoffed. "Like what?"

"I don't know. A glass of wine in the evening?"

Alicia raised an eyebrow at her.

"Fine, a warm mug of hot chocolate. Choose something," Lily chuckled. "Just can't believe that you're almost there."

"I know, I can't either Lily."

Lily smiled, looking ahead. "Now, find that biting point."

Taking a deep breath, Alicia nodded and looked ahead determined. "Biting point..."

The car jolted forward before stopping completely.

"Right, okay. That was a good-"

"Don't lie, Lily!" Alicia groaned. "Why did hills have to be included. Stupid hills!"

Lily chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Holby is a hilly area. It's never going to change."

"Unless I will a nuclear asteroid to destroy the hills."

She sighed, taking another deep breath and nodding to herself.

"I can do this. The biting point..."

Lily nodded. "Biting point."

"Trying to get in the zone, Lily!" Alicia's thick accent rang through.

The brunette grinned, leaning back as Alicia shook her nerves off and took another breath.

"Biting point."

...

Ethan slumped against the sofa, rubbing his face as he sighed heavily.

He couldn't help but feel the sinking feeling which came with risking your job for the worst.

He heard the front door open and turned to face Lily entering the room.

"Feels like I haven't seen you all day," she said. "How are you?" She asked, placing her jacket and bag beside him and heading to the kitchen.

"Fine. Just... revision's finally taking its toll. Don't say 'I told you so'." He wondered if lying was the best thing to do but after today, he wasn't taking any chances regarding his career again.

Lily nodded. "When did you get back?" She asked instead, noticing that no attempts to start on dinner were made on his part. It was Ethan's evening to make dinner but she wasn't willing to press any further since a simple dish of beans on toast would suffice.

Ethan shrugged. "I don't know? Thirty minutes ago? I... I wanted to make it up to Alicia for ditching her last minute."

"Oh, that's where you went. I heard she passed."

"Yeah." Ethan nodded. "Lily?"

"Hmm?"

He turned to face her. "When did we start lying to each other?"

Lily turned around, leaning on the counter with her arms crossed. "I don't understand?"

"Iain. What happened last night?"

She frowned, turning away as tears threatened to fall. "Sam was with him. They were... cuddling on the sofa watching a movie."

"Lily..."

She raised her hand. "Don't." She whispered, breaking down. "I... I thought that I was being unreasonable, being jealous. I had nothing to worry about, as you said but seeing that... Then today, he has the audacity to tell me not to come to her 'guys poker night'. I had Max of all people teach me for two hours on how to play poker and have the perfect poker face."

Ethan stood up, wrapping his arms around her as she sobbed. "I'm sure it's all just a misunderstanding. Maybe she was asleep or-"

"Don't try and make excuses for them, please. I..." She looked up through her tears at him and slowly leant in.

Ethan quickly leant back, causing him to step back too. "Lily..."

Her eyes widened as she pushed him away and rushed to her bedroom, slamming the door locked behind her. She slid down the door and sobbed, shaking her head.

After the shock wore off, Ethan knocked on her door. "Lily, I... Let me in, please. I'm sorry."

The door clicked and Ethan gently opened the door, watching Lily scoot over to her bed.

"Hey..." He sighed, sitting beside her and pulling her to his chest. "What happened in the kitchen? It didn't happen, okay?What you are going to do is ask Iain face-to-face. You have to fight for your relationship. If the outcome is bad, I'm here for you and if it's good... 'I told you so' is all you're going to hear until you want to kick me out, yeah?" He smiled when she giggled, wiping her eyes. "Now, say that to me because I didn't listen to you when I revised myself into exhaustion."

"I told you so..." She croaked out, clearing her throat.

"Great. Now go and wash that face off and by the time you've got into your pyjamas, I'd have dinner all laid out and ready."

Lily sniffled. "What are we eating?"

"Your favourite. Takeaway Indian. I am also paying."

She smiled, nudging him lightly. "I don't know what I'd do without you. I know you would never lie to me."

Ethan gave her an unsure smile, nodding. "Yeah." He kissed her head. "I would never lie to you."

She leant into him, closing her eyes as his smile disappeared.


	11. Chapter 11

**Quick note from me, the author! :) Hey, guys! As you noticed, I normally upload on Saturdays or Sundays latest as I want my story to coincide with what happens in Casualty but I want to add this cute little chapter in for you guys. Enjoy :)**

* * *

Lily clicked the song on YouTube, setting the volume on her laptop on low. It was around four in the morning and Ethan would have still been asleep. For some reason, he was still having trouble sleeping. She had definitely noticed.

 _[...dance with my father again...]_

A tear slid down her cheek as she gently swayed her hips to the song, humming along as she folded her newly washed clothes. She wasn't due at work until eight at night so she had decided to stay up a little longer but a little longer turned into four hours.

A knock on her bedroom door stopped her and she turned to face Ethan with a sad smile.

"Did I wake you? I apologise."

"No, you didn't." Ethan stepped in, glancing at the laptop screen. "Dancing and laundry in the morning? What have you done to the real Lily Chao?"

Lily chuckled, folding the last of her clothes and putting it in her drawers. "It's my father's birthday today."

Ethan closed his eyes, wincing. "Oh, Lily..."

Lily shook her head, her smile widening. "Dance with me?"

"What?" Ethan scoffed, smiling. "You know I can't dance. I've two left feet."

Lily shrugged. "As do I."

She held her hand out for him to take which he did, nervously. It was a small space between her bed and the door after all.

The song stopped but Lily quickly clicked the replay sign and she returned to her spot before Ethan, placing a hand on his shoulder, her other hand holding his.

They started to dance to the music, Lily's body guiding Ethan's effortlessly.

"Do you sing?"

Lily shook her head. "If you heard me sing, your ears would bleed."

Ethan laughed, spinning her around. "So, what are you going to do about Iain?"

"I don't know. I love him and I really don't want to do anything that jeopardises our relationship but on the other hand, I don't know if I trust him anymore..."

"You both need to take the time to talk. I'm guessing as soon as you saw them, you left without them ever knowing that you were there."

Lily nodded. "Yes. I didn't want to cause a scene so I acted as if everything was okay yesterday but now... after the poker thing, I don't think I can trust him."

Ethan placed his hand on her lower back as she stepped closer to him, laying her head on his chest.

"Am I the problem?"

"What do you mean?" He asked her. The song had long since finished but they felt content, in their pyjamas, swaying to the beat that rung in their ears.

Lily sighed. "I think I am too possessive. I haven't really ever had a boyfriend before. The closest I had was in my first year of university but he broke up with me when I... I rejected his sexual passes on me."

Ethan slowly nodded. "Oh."

"I pretty much stuck to my studies after. Never had time for boyfriends but I did have the occasional one-night stand. I wasn't ready to get into something heavy but once I hit twenty-five, I wanted what some of my old peers were having. A perfect marriage with a child on the way... Then my five-year plan was invented. I'm nearing my thirtieth year with nothing to show for it."

Ethan stopped, letting her go to sit down on her bed. She joined him, picking at her nails. "You have so much to show for it."

"Like what? I'd expected to be married by now but it seems very unlikely with Iain possibly cheating on me. Ever since the pregnancy scare, I can't stop thinking how it would be to get married and have a kid. I'm going insane."

"No... You're not. I'm in the same boat too, to be honest." He chuckled, laying down on her bed as he looked up at the ceiling. "Cal dying made me realise that life is too short."

Lily laid beside him. "Alicia?"

"Alicia. I shouldn't have let her go but if we stayed together it would have been too painful. But it's not even that. Before I found out about the Huntington's, I wanted to have at least three kids by the time I was thirty. But after, I could never have thought of burdening a child with such a gene."

Lily placed her hand on his chest. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Some things aren't meant to be but it's how we make our lives better after."

...

"Are you ignoring me, Lily?"

Ethan excused himself from the staffroom, giving her a quick note.

 _'Have faith in him.'_

She crumpled the note and placed it in the bin. "No, Iain. I've just been busy."

"You have?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, I have. I spent the evening with my mother baking. We hadn't done it since I was a child but I figured that we should since it would have been my father's 65th year today."

Iain's gaze softened. "Oh, Lily... I'm sorry."

"It is fine." She replied shortly. "It doesn't hurt as much."

He stuffed his hands in his pockets, leaning against the sofa where she sat on her phone. "You got any plans tomorrow?"

"So, now you want to spend time with me?"

Iain stood back, slightly shocked. "I always want to spend time with you."

"What you think may not always be the case." She looked up at him with a raised eyebrow and shook her head. "I have to get to work now."

She slipped her phone into her front pocket and gently pushed past him and out of the staffroom to meet Ethan by the desk. He had recently been reinstated in his job to further his consultancy practicals to add to his portfolio. Although, Lily had rarely seen him in the ED since he was mostly upstairs to help out in the other wards.

"Do we have you in our domain today?" Lily asked once she noticed him. He had told her that he'd planned to go to Keller before he'd left Iain and her in the staffroom.

"Uh, no. Sorry." He smiled. "I'm just waiting on Mrs Beauchamp."

Lily nodded. "Good luck then. I'm going to miss us talking down here."

Ethan nudged her lightly. "You make it seem as if I am leaving forever! It's just for a month to get experience from the experts upstairs but as soon as my exams roll around, I'm staying here."

"If you were given a chance to transfer to another ward, where will it be?"

"Keller."

"Of course," she smiled, rolling her eyes.

Ethan's smile shrunk a little. "So, how did it go with Iain?"

She internally groaned. "Really want to know?" She was met with a nod. "He told me he wanted to spend time with me but he doesn't seem to realised that he has been neglecting me in the first place."

"But it's good, right? He still wants to be with you."

"But for what exactly? What makes me so special to him? Or what _made_ me special to him, I should say. Either way, until he realises what he's doing, I am not going to give him my time of day."

Ethan was about to respond when Connie called him away, briskly walking off.

"I'll see you later," he told Lily, rubbing her arm gently. "Hang in there."

She nodded. "See you at home."

Once he had left, she felt lonelier than before.


	12. Chapter 12

_His hand trailed down her back, making her flinch and giggle._

 _"Ah, so you are ticklish?"_

 _She turned to him, her eyes sparkling. "No, I'm not."_

 _"Yes, you are."_

 _"So what if I am? You wouldn't dare tickle me again."_

 _He raised an eyebrow at her daring smirk. "If I tickle you, what happens?"_

 _"Why don't you find out?"_

 _"Why do I get the feeling that I don't want to find out?"_

 _She chuckled, turning away from him. "Exactly."_

 _He reached his arm around her waist, flipping her onto her back and turning her face to look at him. "You know that_ I _love spending time with you?"_

 _"But you seem to be busy all the time, lately. I don't see you as much as I'd like-"_

 _He silenced her with a kiss, tucking her hair behind her ear as he pulled her closer to him. "I want to pass these exams for myself. And... for Cal."_

 _"I know and that's great. Honestly, it is. He would be so proud of you, you know? You may have had your moments, like the one when you punched him but you guys never failed to be there for each other."_

 _He nodded. "Looking back, I can't believe I managed to punch him. Not many guys are able to because he's Cal but little weak me did it."_

 _She smiled, stroking his cheek. "Because you had motivation. Just like you have now with the exams. I know you're going to smash them."_

 _"You're always there for me, no matter what."_

 _"I'll always be there for you, Ethan. I love you."_

 _Ethan smiled, kissing her again. "If you really love me, Lily, we still have about forty minutes until we have to get to work for you to prove it."_

 _She raised an amused eyebrow, straddling his waist. "Oh, I'll_ show _you."_

Ethan's eyes snapped open as he let out a small gasp.

He rolled over, checking the time. He'd slept through his second alarm.

A knock on the door made him jump, hitting his head on the headboard. "Yeah?"

"Oh, so you are up. Your alarm went off twice," Lily said, entering the room.

Ethan glanced away from her, rubbing his head. "Yeah, I was just uh, reading."

Lily frowned, narrowing her eyes as she slowly nodded. "You look like you've literally just woken up."

"Fine, I did."

He got out of his bed and gently pushed past her, not willing to look her in the eye.

"I made you breakfast. I was wondering if you could give me a lift? I know you start at ten but my moped's completely fried."

"Hmm, thanks." He rushed to the bathroom, shutting the door and sliding down it, breathing heavily.

Another knock on the door. "So, will you drop me off?"

"Yeah!"

Satisfied, Lily left him to his devices, making him breath out in relief.

...

"Guess, what?"

Ethan swallowed deeply, refusing to look up from his patient's notes. "What, Lily?"

She glanced around before leaning in close. "I got the position on the research team. You wouldn't believe who's running it?"

"Who?"

"Mr Grayling."

Ethan looked up, "Your ex-partner? Do you think he accepted your application because you were together? That's a bit... strange."

"Tell me about it," she sighed. "What is up with you, by the way? You've barely been able to..."

Ethan frowned, turning around to see what she was looking at. It was Iain and Sam, using the bin as a basketball hoop.

"You've got the day with them, right?"

She nodded. "Dr Gardner cleared it. Look, I've got to go but we'll be having a talk later, okay?"

"Yep. Th-that's fine. I-I will see you later." Instead of her leaving their conversation, he did.

"Dr Hardy?"

Ethan stopped, turning. "I can't stop-"

"Would you like to continue your exam study this evening?"

"Uh, I have a thing. Lily's hard to say no to."

Connie nodded. "Well, the offer's still there if you _do_ say no to her."

Ethan was about to reply when a patient stumbled through, thankful for turning his attention to him instead.

...

Ethan rushed to Lily's side as she sobbed, sliding onto the sofa in the staffroom.

"Lily? Why is there ketchup all over you?" He walked over to the kitchen, taking some kitchen paper and heading back to her to help her wipe it off. "It's going to stain if we don't get it washed. I got my spare T-Shirt if you want."

She nodded mutely, using a clean tissue to wipe her face.

"What happened?"

"Ethan... I'd like to be alone at home today."

 _How did she find out about his dream?_

"Oh, okay."

Lily nodded. "I'll take the shirt, too."

Ethan stood up, going to his locker and opening it up to get his shirt. He returned to her side and gave her his top. "Lily, tell me what-"

"I think I want to go to Hong Kong. The research team is going to be stationed there and I want that position."

Ethan opened his mouth but closed it again before turning away from her. "What happened?"

She shrugged, tears falling down her cheeks. "Iain and I ended things. He walked away from me." She could feel her heart breaking and she knew that it was all her fault. "You.. were right. Jealousy's an ugly thing."

"Oh, Lily..." He put his arm around her shoulders, rubbing her forearm. "I'm sorry."

She sniffled, fiddling with the tissue in her hands. "I'm a terrible person destined to be alone."

"No, you're not. Look, I-I'm sure that you and Iain will work things out-"

She cut him off by raising her hand. "It's over. We're done for good. He and Sam are welcome to whatever their relationship is." She stood up. "You know what? If you get me a bottle of red wine, you may join me this evening. Think of it as a leaving party between us." She gripped the shirt in her hand tightly and gave him a watery smile before leaving to change.

"Dr Hardy? I do not believe that you are due a break yet." Connie glanced at her watch but Ethan's eyes trailed somewhere else.

"Mrs Beauchamp? Your arm."

A thin red stain spoiled her white silk shirt and she tsked, placing her hand on it. "Get back to work," she gulped as he tried to pass her. "Any thoughts about this evening?"

"No, mine and Lily's plans have been set in stone as of now. I don't know if you know if she's told you but she's taking the position on the research team to go to Hong Kong."

Connie raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Well, congratulate her for me. I'm guessing she wants this to be a private affair for now?"

"Yes. She hasn't told anybody yet."

She nodded. "Well, I hope you enjoy your evening."

...

Lily poured herself another glass, wiping tears from her cheek.

"I'm sorry. Not really in the celebrating mood."

Ethan chuckled, still sipping his first glass of wine. "It's fine. You've ended a relationship, you're bound to feel upset."

She sniffled. "I'm not sure if I should go. Ethan, what should I do?"

"I think you should do what you want to do, Lily. This research post is too good of a position to pass up. On the other hand, you're great here." He told her.

Lily smiled, leaning back on the sofa as she raised her feet up to rest on the coffee table. "You're always there for me, no matter what."

"I'll always be there for you, Lily, I love you." His eyes widened as his breath hitched.

Lily burst out laughing. "W-What? I guess I love you too, Ethan." She sighed. "You are my best friend."

 _Thank God_.

"Why didn't we work? As a couple, I mean. We would have been great. There would be no fears of jealousy... Wait, scratch that. Alicia. Yep, I'm definitely the worst person to have a relationship with. Forget I said anything. It's the wonderful alcohol talking." She glanced down at her glass and swirled its contents. "I think I need more."

"You don't." Ethan took the bottle before she could her hand on it. "There's someone out there for you, you know? You just don't realise it."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I thought it was Iain. I want it to be Iain. He... got me."

"I get you."

"I... I guess you do." Lily admitted.

She shuffled closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Maybe the someone is closer than you think, you know?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't know. There seriously seems to be a horrible track record when it comes to me."

 _I just need to know. Did my dream mean anything?_ Ethan swallowed deeply, glancing down at her.

"Lily?"

She looked up at him. "Yes?"

Ethan leaned down and Lily's eyes fluttered to his lips. She found herself moving closer to him, her breath hitched in her throat.

When their lips met, Ethan wasn't surprised.

 _Nothing. There's nothing there. The dream was... nothing._

Lily's mouth continued to attack his as her arms wrapped around his neck, bringing herself to straddle his waist.

"Hmm, Li-"

She stopped, pulling away. "I... I don't know..."

"Hey, no. It was my fault."

"I want it though." She cried. "I just want the pain to stop."

Ethan sighed, glancing down. Taking a deep breath he raised his hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. "I'll make it stop." He leant up, catching her lips with his own as he moved her to lie on the sofa.

* * *

 **I wanted there to be some emotional context here. Although I love Lily and Ethan as a couple and wish to write this story about it but on the other hand, I kinda grew on Iain and Lily and my heart broke for them but I still think there's potential with Lily and Ethan as well as Ethan and Alicia so this story may be one which will drag on for as long as it could, even until February because I have so many pairings to discover on Ethan's grief journey.**


	13. Chapter 13

He could feel her body radiating heat as she lay asleep on her bed. He laid on his back, sleep not quite coming to him yet. He rolled on his side, drawing circles on her shoulder as she twitched lightly a tired smile gracing her lips.

"Time to wake up,"

She moaned, pressing her face deeper into her pillow. "God..." She turned to face him. "Oh, God..."

Ethan sighed, pulling the duvet off of him and throwing his shirt on. "I'm going to take a shower."

"Okay," she whispered, sitting up.

Once he had left the room, Lily checked her phone, surprised to see that there were a few text messages. There was one from Connie congratulating her, there was another from Mr Grayling confirming her flight details for this night. And finally... Iain. She didn't bother to read it, she only deleted the message.

Getting out of bed, she put her robe on, tying it around her waist. She headed to the kitchen where she found a packet of paracetamol and a glass of water waiting for her. She was about to call out 'thank you' when she heard the shower turn on. Maybe later.

Popping two pills in her mouth with a sip of water, Lily made herself a simple breakfast of Special K cereal. By the time she was finished, she had switched places with Ethan and began to shower.

Once she was ready for work, she met him eating a slice of toast. "I guess today's my last day."

"You're leaving today?"

She nodded. "This night. It's a late flight, I won't get there until morning UK time."

"I'm thinking of going back to my place. Maybe you can rent this place out."

"I was thinking the same thing but I didn't want to say anything. I don't want to sound like I'm kicking you out or I don't trust you-"

Ethan chuckled lightly. "No, it's time for me to go back home. Whether I like it or not, Cal's there in a way and it sort of makes me feel calm. I just didn't know what to do when he wouldn't answer my questions but I think I'm really ready."

She gave him a bright smile despite the despair in her heart. "That's good, Ethan."

"Maybe you can let Alicia stay here for the six months? She told me that ever since the fire at their flat, she's been a bit scared to go back. She's staying at her parents'."

Lily nodded. "I'd ask her. That's a really good and safe choice. I trust her and we're friends, I guess."

"Good," he replied with his own nod.

"Listen, about yesterday..."

"It doesn't matter."

She looked away from him, embarrassed. "I did not mean to use you. Especially as a rebound, it was wrong of me but I think there was something there. I don't know if it was the alcohol plaguing my mind but I felt something."

Ethan turned around to the sink, washing his used plate and placing it in the rack. "I didn't-"

"I know and that's a relief." Lily cut him off. "I love you Ethan but we agreed a long time ago to stay friends."

He braved it. He faced her. "So what does this," he gestured between them. "Mean now?"

"Let's just see where it takes us."

...

Lily quickly walked away from Ethan once she saw Iain head her way. She knew that she was being childish but she wasn't ready. She wasn't the one who walked away, he was.

"Lily."

She ignored his calls, grateful that Dr Gardner had called her into Resus to take over in treating a patient as she went to check another.

Once she was done, she returned back to her usual cubicles duty, smiling when she was paired with Alicia.

"So, it's your last day?"

"I'm afraid so."

Alicia pouted. "I know we've had our moments but I will really miss you, Lily. You've taught me a lot."

Lily smiled gratefully. "You've taught me a lot too. I have a few things to ask of you," she started as they headed to the staffroom for a quick break.

"Anything."

"Would you temporarily move into my flat until I get back?"

Alicia's eyes widened as she stared at Lily in shock. Sure, they weren't 'best friends' but they tolerated each other and they had gone for a few drinks with each other. Also, wasn't it just this time last year when she had horribly embarrassed Lily in front of everyone on her birthday?

"I-I guess."

Lily nodded firmly. "Good. Now, can you keep an eye on Ethan for me, please? I know he's on the way to moving on but anything could still trip him up."

"I don't know, Lily... Sure, we're on speaking terms but things are still hostile between us. Not to say I won't send him a quick text now or then but to be involved fully, I can't."

"I understand."

Alicia sighed, crossing her arms. "But I'd do anything to make sure that he's okay. Thank you, Lily."

Lily smiled, hesitantly giving Alicia a hug which the blonde accepted happily. "If you need anything, give me a call."

"I might take you up on that offer." Alicia sighed.

...

A week after, Ethan found himself coming back home after a long shift of treating patients and reading up on case studies.

His relationship with Connie was more strained than ever and he could never reach Lily at appropriate times. Everything seemed to be getting more and more difficult to do.

He opened up his fridge and retrieved the bottle of red wine from it. He went over to the cupboards and got a wine glass before filling it up and taking a long sip from it.

As he turned to go back into the living area, he spotted a photograph of him and Cal with their mother, Emilie.

Glancing down at the glass in his hand, he sighed finishing the glass instead.

"I know, Cal." He mumbled to the photograph.

Pouring himself another glass, he heard the buzzer go off.

"Go away," he sighed.

He slipped his phone out of his pocket and tried Lily's phone again, waiting for it to pick up but it never did.

The buzzing continued and he finally answered the phone.

"Who is it?"

"Open the door, Ethan."

Ethan quickly finished what was left in his glass and placed it in the sink. He got the bottle and screwed the top back on before putting it back in the fridge.

The door buzzed again and Ethan finally allowed the door to open.

A suitcase came into the room first before Lily stumbled in, shutting the door behind her.

"What happened? Why did you take too long?"

Ethan shrugged, placing her suitcase by the table so she could sit down. "Why are you here?"

"It wasn't what I thought it would be," Lily said, taking her coat off. "The research team were wonderful. Being back in my native country. Being able to speak the language fluently when I go to coffee shops or when I'm exploring. I even visited my family over there."

"That didn't answer why you're back though."

Lily sighed. "Mr Grayling and I had an argument and he kicked me off the team."

Ethan shook his head in disbelief. "Want a drink?"

"No. And I can smell it on your breath."

"First one all week," Ethan promised her. "I had a bad day."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You can't rely on a drink everytime you have a bad day."

He glanced down, feeling like a scolded school child. "I know but I figured since I was off tomorrow, why not?"

"Fair enough," Lily shrugged. "But do not become too dependent."

Nodding, he slumped down on the sofa beside her and turned the TV on. "Aren't you tired? It would be about seven over there."

Lily nodded. "I am but if you want to talk about your bad day, I'm awake."

"Go to bed."

"Will you be okay?"

He nodded, settling for watching News. "Seriously, I'm fine. I don't even want to talk about it to be honest because there's nothing to talk about."

She pursed her lips, studying him as he looked back at the TV. "You kept calling me. You must have really needed to call."

"You didn't answer. It doesn't even matter now."

Placing her hand on his, she turned her body to face him. "Talk to me."

"Fine." He switched the TV off and kept his gaze on the photograph of his family. All of whom were together without him. "There was this patient. He had been stabbed. Just like Cal was. And he died. Just like Cal did. Alone. His sister didn't make it in time to say goodbye. Like _me_." He sniffed, wiping his nose with his shirt sleeve. "I told her that it would get easier than the pain will be getting less and less and she asked me how I knew. Just like that, I spilt what happened since the day my brother died to now to her. I asked if she knew about the doctor who was murdered at the hospital we stood in at the moment and she nodded. Then I told her, stupid tears coming down my cheeks..." He took a deep breath as tears flowed down his cheeks. "That he was my brother. My only surviving family member and I was trying to move on." His voice broke and Lily gently coerced him to lie on her as she laid down. "She said that she was sorry then she went to stay with him. She thanked me for giving her a sense of closure, I guess. I don't understand why she would thank me."

Lily placed a soft kiss on his head and played with his curls, silently listening as he went on about his day.

"That wasn't the worst part of my day, no. The worst part was Mrs Beauchamp finding out that I had let my personal life affect my job. She gave me the biggest talking to ever and asked if I was even ready to return to work. She was so close to pulling me out of the consultancy exams." He closed his eyes, Lily's fingers relaxing him as his tears subsided. "I thought that I was going to lose my job again. Like the first time wasn't scary enough." He glanced up at Lily who stared blankly at the wall, tears falling down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry for not being there for you. For not answering my phone."

Ethan shook his head. "You were coming home. I guess I can let you off."

She chuckled, making him smile in return.

"There's that pretty smile."

She blushed, wiping the tears from his cheeks before wiping them from hers. "Shall we go to bed?" It was past twelve in the night or morning and she was beginning to feel very jet lagged.

He nodded against her chest, playing with a button on her top. "Let's just lie here for a couple of minutes first." He said undoing the button then another and another.

Her hands found the bottom hem of his shirt and she pulled it over his head, placing a soft kiss on his lips. "Yeah, sure."

* * *

 **Still not sure about how you guys would feel about this emotional context but this will go slightly off canon from the show as Lily does go then return in this story but whatever happens from future episodes will feature in this story.**


	14. Chapter 14

It went on for a while where they would wake up next to each other on opposite sides of the bed. Lily had decided to stay at his place to give Alicia time to either move and find another place to stay which was becoming likely as Louise had surprisingly offered her spare bedroom but warned the blonde that she hated sharing her personal things.

As the week went on, Ethan had noticed Connie's hostility towards him. Tending to bypass his questions about her situation and replying with the fact that she was incredibly busy.

Lily had also faced her own troubles, trying to find time to properly talk to Iain. Tell him why she left, why she disregarded him. She wasn't ready then but she was ready now. But every chance she got, he placed barriers between them, "I promised the lads." She'd simply let him go and wait for Ethan instead, giving him a sad but warm smile as they linked arms.

"He didn't want to talk?"

She shook her head, sighing. "I... I think I'll wait a while." She blinked away tears as Ethan unlocked his car, opening the door for her.

"Are you okay?"

Lily turned back, watching Iain as he walked into the pub with Max, David and Noel.

"I don't think I am."

Once they got home to his, she immediately went to lie down on the sofa, tears streaming down her cheeks as she realised that the love of her life was gone.

"I'm going to pop out for a while. Do you need anything?"

"No."

Ethan nodded. "Okay well, there's yesterday's leftovers in the fridge."

Lily turned the TV on, setting the channel on BBC. "I'll wait until you get back."

He sighed. "I'll probably be a while, Lily."

"Where are you going?"

"I need time to myself. To think."

Lily sniffled, nodding. "See you later."

...

Ethan looked around. It was moderately empty, give or take a few family members with their own deceased ones. He knelt down before the headstone, fixing the dead plants and placing his new ones.

"Happy Birthday, Mum." He whispered. "Cal can't make it. But you'd already know that. He's probably treating you with a drink up there right now, huh?"

He placed his hands on his thighs and looked up, a stray tear making its way down his cheek.

"How is it there? Are you in pain? I know I haven't visited much. I don't even visit Cal as much as I would like to because it's hard. Lily tells me to just do it sometimes but I can't face it. It's my fault he's gone in the first place."

The wind howled and he rubbed his hands together to make some sort of heat return to them.

"I've moved back to our flat. Well, it's just mine now. It feels empty without him. Every time I'm alone there, I just drink and drink and drink. To forget him, I guess. But then when I'm sober, I feel so guilty that I remember him as best as I could. I sometimes dream of him stumbling through the front door with a large smile on his face..." Ethan smiled, shaking his head at the lack of possibility. "Saying he successfully pulled another girl but groaning that he has this terrible hangover and he doesn't want to think about Mrs Beauchamp's reaction to him turning up to work like that in a couple of hours..."

A twig snapped behind him and he turned to find a fox scuttling away. Glancing down at his pocket, he remembered that he's bought Lily chocolates to cheer her up.

"I've got to go now, Mum. It was nice to talk to you. It really helped me."

He stood up, noticing that the fox had stayed watching him but he was far away. Ethan chuckled to himself.

"Not today, little fox."

...

Lily cancelled her call and watched as Ethan returned, placing shopping on the table.

"Who was that?"

"Archie Grayling."

Ethan frowned. "Why?"

"He is hosting a meeting to get me back on the team. I have another chance." Lily whispered, shocked.

"If they accept, will you go?"

Lily shrugged. "I have you to think about. I also have Iain to think about. What if I leave and there's no coming back for us? What if he truly leaves me?"

Ethan sat next to her, bringing her to his chest in a hug. "What do you want, Lily? What is right for you?"

"I-I don't know. I want this but I want Iain. I've always wanted someone who loves me for me but now it seems as if Sam has wedged something between us."

"If you want something, go for it, Lily."

She turned to face him, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I've wanted someone to get married to and start a family with. Ever since the pregnancy scare, I've just become obsessed with keeping Iain that I haven't even stopped to think about what _he_ wants."

"And when you find out, what will you do?"

"For the first time in my life, Ethan, I don't know what to do."

Ethan gave her a small smile. "What would make you happy? A chance to further your career or a chance to start a family full of love?"

Lily replied with a smile of her own. "I don't know, Ethan. I don't know."


	15. Chapter 15

**So bummed that Crystal Yu has left :( And now... I have to fit this into the story but don't worry, it's not the last we hear from her in this :)**

* * *

She thought she had failed the interview to return back to the research post but she didn't. Not only did she not fail, she had been promoted to lead the post instead. Something Archie Grayling despised her for.

"Well?" She was glad to hear that he was still outside waiting for her.

"Iain, I've got it."

Iain sighed, his eyes becoming dull as he put on a fake smile and brought her in for a hug. "But we're together, right? You're going to decline?"

Lily thought about what Connie had told her moments before - to not let a man or anyone else for that matter get in the way of her career.

"Iain... I want this."

Iain nodded, placing a soft kiss on hers. "I can't do anything to persuade you otherwise?"

She shook her head, allowing a few tears to fall. "No. I leave tomorrow morning."

He took her hand and led her outside the ED to breathe in the fresh air and stop his surroundings from spinning around him. "What about us?"

"I thought there wasn't an 'us'."

"There is. There always was-"

"Don't make this hard, Iain." She cut him off. "This could make or break my career and I could find something that I enjoy doing. Finally."

Iain sighed, looking away at their colleagues entering the pub with smiles on their faces. "Fine. I-I have to go and do something."

Without a word, he let her hand go and left her, standing in the middle of the parking lot. Sighing, she decided to go back into the ED, the cold biting at her cheeks and neck.

"Lily. How did it go?"

She gave Ethan, her best friend in the whole wide world, a smile. "I got it."

"Ah, Lily! That's great. I'm happy for you. This could really give your career a boost-"

"Mrs Beauchamp?"

Ethan chuckled lightly. "Yeah." He whispered. "I don't want you to go, honestly. But this is good, really good."

Lily blushed. "You want to know something else?"

"What?"

"I'm leading the post now. They decided to give Archie the boot."

Ethan's eyebrows raised as he grinned, hugging her tightly. "See? They see something in you."

"My dad."

His eyes softened as he stared her down. "You did this on your own but you see? Your dad loves you after all if he's willing to do this for you from above."

Lily nodded at him, squeezing his hand. "Now I have to clear my locker out and figure out what happens next."

Her throat felt heavy as tears blinded her eyes. The two most important men in her life needed her, _wanted_ her and she was abandoning them. For herself.

Ethan gripped his patient's notes tightly, trying to swallow the bittersweet tears that were making their presence known.

"Ethan?"

He turned to Alicia, giving her a smile. "Hi."

"You okay?" She asked gently, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Lily's leaving. For good this time."

Alicia sighed, watching Lily walk away from them. "I've got an idea."

"What?"

"She's been amazing to me, letting me stay at hers so... why don't we throw her a goodbye party?"

Ethan smiled. "I think she'll just love that."

...

Lily felt almost dejected. Ethan had now busied himself with work after Connie had been on a warpath and she wasn't ready to be caught in the firing line either. Iain had now been responding to callout after callout since there was a lack of ambulances on the roads. So, she guessed both had valid reasons to be busy.

Rash looked at her, frowning. "Are you okay, Dr... C-Chai?"

She closed her eyes, summoning the strength to _not_ punch the guy in the face. But she had learnt her lesson, especially after Alicia who was now thankfully her good friend. " _Chao_." She corrected. "And it's none of your business."

She slammed the notes on the desk, making Rashid jump as she walked off and collected other notes from a nurse passing by. She halted when she realised something.

"Excuse me?" She glanced towards the patient and Rash hurried after her, meekly sending apologies.

"Hello, I'm Dr Masum and this is-" He held his breath. "Dr Chao." Once receiving a curt nod, he let it go and nodded in reply, getting down to basics.

Finishing with the patient, Lily went to her locker and retrieved her things.

"Oh, it is the end of your shift."

She turned around and gave Ethan a short nod. "The Holby dream is over."

"I end in two hours. Can you stay?"

"I have something to do but I will be back."

Ethan grinned. "Perfect. See you later."

Lily soon found herself riding her moped away from the hospital and into the depths of death and mourning.

She killed the engine and took her bag and jacket, putting the latter on due to the now biting cold that she could suddenly feel.

It took her a while to find what she was looking for but she finally found the headstone and bent down to clear away the dead plants. She noticed fresh ones. Looking behind her cautiously and side to side, she opened the note.

[ _Just saying 'hi' Cal. Love Ethan._ ]

Tears sprung to her eyes as she smiled widely. So, this was what he did when he went to clear his head.

"Hey, Cal." She dug into her bag and retrieved a small 'Thank You' teddy, placing it by the fresh flowers. "I'm leaving. To Hong Kong. It's the right choice for me and my career at this moment in time. I'm going to miss everyone despite everything." She chuckled lightly, sniffling. "I'm really going to miss Ethan and I'm sorry that I won't be here for him when... when it's the first Christmas without you coming up. I know I promised to help him because of all you've done for me and because he's my best friend but I have to do this for me, you know? I'm Lily Chao. And I'll always be. I'm also going to miss Iain so dearly, I almost wish that you were alive to give me tips on... romance." She cringed before bursting out in laughter. "Yeah, you and I both know that will never happen regardless if you're alive or dead."

The wind howled around her and she sighed, pressing her fingers to her lips before placing it on the headstone.

"Goodbye, Caleb Knight. Watch over your brother for me." The wind howled in reply and she breathed a smile out, tears slipping down her cheeks. "I know you will. Enjoy your beer up there. There's just one more dead person I have to visit."

She got up and dusted her knees off before collecting her bag and heading back to her moped. This time to another gravesite.

"Hello, Papa." Lily cleared her throat. "Thank you for what you did for me today. It was truly a blessing in disguise. So, thank you, Papa. I'm going home. Home to Hong Kong and I'll stop by and see your brother and sister. I'll make you proud."

She got back to the ED in record time, seeing that it was almost scarce of her 'friends'. Ethan jogged up to her, dressed in his suit from this morning. He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek.

"One last drink with my best friend?"

She smiled. "One last drink with my best friend." She hooked her arm through his waiting one and they made their way to the pub. Lily's heart grew heavier as she realised that she may never even return to Holby. Everything was tainted. From her accident on fateful day which took Cal's life to her destroyed relationship. Turning to face Ethan who looked almost determined to get her through the door, she smiled. She would never ever lose touch with him. He was too precious to let go as a lifelong friend. All the emotional feelings between them, the sweet friendship and the understanding... He had truly been a friend to remember for life.

He went in first and she followed, surprised that it was completely dark. It was until the lights calmly became blue and she heard someone's voice. Her breath halted in her throat as Ethan let go of her, a torchlight in his hand shining on her. His bright star.

Alicia grinned with Robyn, turning their own torches to the stairs where she could see legs slowly make their way down the steps with a soft voice.

 _He's singing for me._ She blushed, chuckling as some tears escaped her eyes.

He finally stood before her, singing his heart out before the music stopped and he got down on one knee, making everyone gasp.

"Lily, will you be my girlfriend again?"

Lily's smile disappeared as she bit the bottom of her lip, looking down at him. "I-I..." She turned around and left quickly, covering her mouth as she tried not to burst out in sobs. He was making this so bloody hard.

"Lily!"

"No, Iain. No." She said, shaking her head. "I said that I needed to do this for me. I want to further my career. I want to lead and not be led."

Iain nodded. "I know. I just hoped..." He sighed, shaking his head. "There's still a surprise party for you that Ethan, Alicia and Robyn planned for you. I'll just pretend that I didn't have my heart stomped on."

She lips wavered as she nodded. "I'm sorry." She pulled him in, kissing him hard and long before letting go and wiping her eyes, planting a bright smile on her face. "I am the woman of the hour."

She returned and grinned at everyone, making them cheer. But they didn't know. Ethan noticed though, her smile didn't reach her eyes.

"Awh, Lily! We're all so chuffed for you, babes." Alicia beamed, hugging her. "So, will you and Iain try this long-distance thing."

It could be a good plan. Pretend they were together and break up due to the long distance strain on their relationship.

Nodding, Lily smiled at her. "I'm hoping it will work. I have to go around."

"Yeah, good luck!"

Lily continued to hug everyone else, kissing their cheeks and smiling at they congratulated and cheered her and Iain on. If only they knew.

...

The next morning, Lily found herself being driven to the airport by Ethan who had called into work to come in later in the morning before twelve.

"You really didn't have to do this, Ethan."

He smiled at her, shrugging. "I wanted to. Don't forget, you can't get kicked off this time because you're the boss."

She giggled. "I like that."

"How do you think Mrs Beauchamp feels every day?"

She pursed her lips. "I don't know? Mr Hanssen is her boss so she can't be feeling too overjoyed."

They both laughed. "I'll miss this. I'll miss the late night with a glass of wine and a movie. Snuggling when we're almost passed out from the wine. Your chicken chow mein and Chinese-style stirfry-"

"Just stirfry for me," she chuckled, making him playfully roll his eyes.

"Your supportive words and gestures... Lily, I will just miss you a lot, okay? Too much to write down and say."

Lily sniffled. "I will really miss you too." She thought about her next actions long and hard, the silence comforting between them as they sat in the car, watching as other people hurried into the airport in the early hours of the morning.

She turned and placed a long kiss on the side of his lips.

"Look after yourself," she whispered, leaning her head on his. "And ask Alicia out, will you?"

He nodded, giving her one last hug as she got out, collecting her suitcases from the boot. She passed his side of the window and waved a final goodbye, walking into the airport and out of view.

Ethan allowed himself to let out the breath he was holding before turning the ignition on and driving away.


	16. Chapter 16

Ethan's heart dropped as he gripped the note between his fingers tightly.

[ _I KNOW WHAT YOU DID_ ]

He slammed his locker closed and went to sit in Connie's office, waiting for her.

It didn't take long and when she finally arrived, he showed her the note.

It was either about the operation he did on her or Scott Ellison.

She didn't seem too alarmed and sent him off to prepare Resus for a GSW patient.

He could feel the tension between them whenever they were in the same room. He hadn't meant to treat her as if she was incapable but Charlie had caught on, making Connie let him take over the patient instead.

Ethan allowed himself to step out for a bit of fresh air, the note nagging on his mind. It was now, he wished Lily was there to make a snide remark about the person who wrote it - to disregard it like Connie did. Or maybe Lily even wrote it as a goodbye gift. To remind him. But that was sick and it didn't even look like her writing anyway. Maybe the note was even for someone else-

"It looked like you were ignoring me earlier," Ethan turned to face DC Wilkinson, smiling nervously at him.

"Oh, gunshot wounds patients require deep focus."

She said something about hoping to get his patient's clothing to which he replied that he'd found him innocent due to what he'd been told earlier. But she'd replied that they'd more or less made their impression about the suspect.

As the hours went on, Ethan became slightly paranoid. He even asked Charlie if anyone he'd heard anyone talk about him behind his back. Badly. But Charlie had said no.

It pissed him off. To learn that the stupid note was all a joke on Max's part for _pizza_. He had even come close to punching him. He had _no idea_ what he put him through. Luckily, Jacob had got involved before anything became too serious. But he had then got too close to telling Wilkinson. Another lucky draw - Connie coming leading them to quickly go and treat the GSW patient.

"If I don't hand myself in, would get help?" It was now the end of Connie's shift, she'd looked a bit too ill to function. He wasn't going to admit that driving herself was possibly going to be worse but he decided to try and steer things in his court.

"Blackmail? Now you're really sounding like a clinical lead." She smiled, rolling her eyes.

But then once she had left, he really thought about it. Now, she could possibly be having an early retirement and Lily was gone. Could he really see himself as Clinical Lead of Holby ED?

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he took it out, seeing that he'd received a text from Lily.

 ** _Lily Chao: You wouldn't believe the day I've had. How's Holby? I know you're probably on your shift but just texting to say I miss you. And I love you too. Xx_**

He smiled. It was as if she was psychic. He slipped it back into his pocket, deciding to text her back later. He had work to do with a weight off his shoulders.

...

 _"It was intense, huh?"_

Ethan nodded, almost forgetting that his phone buddy couldn't see him. He busied himself, with his phone tucked between his ear and shoulder, with cooking.

"Yeah. Even Mrs Beauchamp said that Holby could be mine one day," he smiled. "Can you think of me a clinical lead?"

Lily giggled on the other line. She rarely giggled. _"Wow, Ethan. You'd know I'm surprised because I do not say 'wow'. Hmm, what are you cooking? I think I can even smell it from here."_

"Coq-au-vin. I don't know. I just looked up a recipe and went to get the ingredients. Here I am now. I'm having Charlie and Duffy come over for dinner, after Duffy's shift." He took a sip of wine.

 _"There's red wine in the recipe, right?"_

He could just hear her strict eyebrow-raising as her tone became scolding. "I promise I won't have the whole bottle. Also, it's a recipe, I didn't make it." He grinned. "You know that Iain's pestering me to get in contact with you for him. Sam threw his phone away."

He heard her sigh before a rustling sound came from the phone. He checked the time. It was four in the afternoon meaning that it would probably twelve in the morning for her.

"Do you need to get to bed?"

Lily yawned. _"I have a day off, like you. No, there was someone at the door. Late night work. Tell Iain I'm fine but I really do just want to move on and get on with it."_

"I get what you mean," Ethan replied. "Look, I'll let you get on. It was lovely talking to you. Yesterday was... horrible and I wished you were there but I realise that it's not the end of the world. I didn't do anything bad and I've got to do what you're doing. Move on. Oh and before you go, can we talk about Christmas presents? Especially how I'm going to send one over to you which will probably be the size of a horse for all you've done for me."

He was met with a loud bout of laughter as Lily enthusiastically went on to list what she wanted for Christmas.


	17. Chapter 17

Ethan dug into his wallet, collecting the spare coins he had before handing them to the barista. "Cheers," he told him, collecting his mocha coffee.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he smiled, answering the call.

"You called?"

 _"Indeed. I am currently enjoying a wonderful piece of cake with a latte during my break. That's not the reason that I am even calling. I wanted to know how Robyn and Charlotte were doing. I saw the Christening pictures and spotted a certain ex-fiancé lurking."_

"Oh, Glen? Yeah, he's back. Everyone thought he was dead but he explained all to Robyn. I'm pretty much minding my own business, to be honest."

Lily chuckled lightly. _"Like training to take over the ED one day? Mr Clinical Lead and all. I bet that next week, you'd be put in charge for a day to get a taste of what it will feel like. Do you want to know something? The hospital that we're doing our research in has given me an offer. A very appealing offer."_

"And that's why you really called." Ethan sighed but a small smile graced his lips. "How appealing?"

Lily sighed before chewing and answering. _"Twenty percent pay rise than what I had at Holby. My own office... and... Head of Department."_

"You already knew about this offer before you left, didn't you? You'd already made your mind up about ever coming back." Ethan took a sip of his coffee and sighed. "Good for you, Lily. You deserve this. This job... it's really good."

He could hear the doubt in her voice. _"As much as it sounds wonderful, I'll miss Holby. But then again, this is my home."_

Ethan spotted Alicia heading his way as Iain and Sam's ambulance pulled up in front of the ED.

"We have a patient."

Ethan nodded, walking up to her. "I have to call you back? Usual time this night?"

 _"Of course. Bye."_ She hung up and Ethan jogged the remaining paces as he slipped his phone back into his pocket, meeting Iain's strides perfectly.

"Was that Lily?"

Ethan turned to him, accepting the patient's notes from a nurse. "Not everything revolves around Lily."

"Who else would you talk to on the phone that isn't here?"

Ethan shrugged. "My therapist? We've got it from here, thanks."

He hadn't meant to be so abrupt but whenever he breached the subject of Iain to Lily, she'd get annoyed and he wouldn't hear the end of it until she'd finished rambling about out she would reach out to him in her own time. Both of them had to move on in Ethan's opinion.

When he was done treating his patient for the moment in time, he met Alicia in the staffroom snacking as she flicked through a book.

He too decided to read as he retrieved his revision books and sat next to her on the sofa.

"What book is that?"

"Oh, Alice in Wonderland. Don't ask."

Ethan smiled, accepting her answer as he opened the first book and opened his notebook. "Are you free on Wednesday?" He asked her, not looking up from his book.

Alicia's own eyes stayed glued to her book as she pursed her lips. "Yeah, why?"

"I'd like to make you dinner. Well, it's sort of a dinner party thing." He finally looked at her. "Since Lily's been gone, I'm trying to find ways to make myself busy so Charlie, Duffy and I started this dinner party thing where we'd eat at least once a week at each other's places. This week, it's mine again since Robyn and Charlotte need time to get reacquainted with Glen."

"Oh, that's nice. You'd like me to come?"

Ethan chuckled. "That's the whole reason that I asked." She chuckled too. "Well?"

"Go on then," she replied. "Do you need me to bring anything?"

"Maybe chocolates for after dinner when we have tea. It starts off with a starter, main, dessert then it ends with a small snack. We watch a late night movie too."

Alicia grinned. "Sounds great. Can't wait."

"Guys? You're needed!"

They both turned to Louise, ditching their books as they rushed out of the staffroom.

...

The door buzzed and Ethan let the person in, pouring three glasses of wine and one flute of water for himself.

"Am I the first one?"

Ethan nodded, turning to face Alicia as he handed her one of the glasses. "Yeah but Charlie and Duffy are only three minutes away. There was a diversion."

"Accident?"

"No, I think it was a fallen tree. Why don't you take your coat off, I made sure the heater's quite hot."

Alicia smiled, hanging her coat on the coat hanger before sitting down on the sofa and sipping her wine. "So, what's first?"

Ethan shook his head, a smile playing on his lips. "Not yet, not until Duffy and Charlie have made it."

"Fine. How have you been, anyway? How's counselling?"

"I barely go because I'm slowly getting there. Natasha's really impressed with my progress. I have a feeling it will be shortlived though."

Alicia frowned, crossing her legs and placing her glass on the coffee table. "Why?"

"It will be the first Christmas without him. I was talking to Lily the other day," he sat next to her. "and we were talking about what we wanted for Christmas but then something clicked in my mind. I wanted _Cal_. To hear his voice, to hold him. It's going to be the first Christmas without him and I hate it."

Her eyes watered as she cleared her throat. "You'll get through it."

"Until the next setback. After Christmas, it's New Years. We had plans to go to watch a match around that time before going to Marbella on our week off from work. Then in late January, it would have been his thirty-fifth before my thirty-first in February." He sighed, eyeing Alicia's glass of wine.

He was about to reach out to take it but the door buzzed. Getting up, he answered the phone and let his remaining guests come in.

"Oh, is something wrong?" Charlie asked when he saw Ethan and Alicia.

Ethan planted a smile on his face, handing the couple the remaining glasses of wine. "No. No."

Alicia gave Charlie a look as Ethan took Duffy's coat. She gestured to the picture of Cal and Ethan and Charlie nodded silently, giving his own coat to Ethan to hang up.

"Shall we eat? Now, I've got this recipe from a source in Hong Kong..." Ethan grinned, heading to the kitchen. "I'm sure that they will taste great. This source has never let me down when it comes to cooking."


	18. Chapter 18

"It was terrible."

He heard a sigh on the other line and closed his eyes. _"Lay it on me."_

Ethan went on to explain to Lily what had happened. "Do you think she'll give me another chance to prove that I _can_ do this. Be a clinical lead in the future too after I become a consultant. God, Lil... I messed up. Call me crazy but I even miss it a little."

 _"I'm sure everything will be okay. Stop worrying. You haven't killed your patient, have-"_ She took a sharp intake of breath. _"Sorry. Poor choice of words. I'm sure you've done your best and remember, one day at a time. You even proved yourself worthy when you turned things around, I'm really proud but I've really got to go. I'll call you same time tomorrow."_

"I thought you had time to spare?"

Lily sighed. _"I have not. Not really. I sent my letter of resignation to Holby, it should have arrived that morning. I know Alicia's already applied for my post. I told her to go for it. I... I took the Head of Department post here. Officially, I have."_

"Well, I knew about the offer and that you were heavily considering it but I thought you wouldn't get that until next year?"

 _"The Head of Department retired sooner rather than later. He has cancer."_

Ethan's heart skipped a beat as his mind suddenly drifted to Connie's state. He hadn't even bothered to check on how she was after he'd dropped her off home. He knew it was probably going to be wrong of him to tell Lily but he needed to. "Lily... about-"

 _"You know what, Ethan? You don't need to do everything by yourself. There were people willing to help you, to support you throughout yet you believe that you must do everything by yourself and to prove what? That you can run yourself into the ground? What do you want to prove - to Mrs Beauchamp, to me or most importantly, to yourself? Many hands make the world go 'round. Think about that. I've seriously got to go, my team needs me."_

She didn't give him a chance to say anything further as she hung up. He stood up, grabbing the bottle of wine that Charlie and Duffy were unable to finish from the fridge and poured himself a glass. He then frowned. Did he really need this? Sighing, he poured the wine as best as he could back into the bottle and returned it to the fridge.

He searched for his revision books and settled into the sofa, playing a Christmas movie on to try and get into the festive spirit. There were five days until the first of December and Lily had told him that she'd help him with his Christmas decorations that he had ordered online. She couldn't physically be there so he told her that he'd Skype her and set her somewhere where she had a view of everything.

 _[Sorry for lashing out x Stressful shift. I call later instead if you'll still be awake? xx]_

He smiled at the text, sending a reply. _[Send me a time, I'll set an alarm. I've got tomorrow off anyway x]_

 _[Perfect because it will be my turn of mansplaining.]_

He could imagine the smirk that was playing on her lips as she sent that text. Lately, all he ever did was mansplain to her and he could agree that it was getting old and annoying but she never minded. That was Lily - understanding and caring although you had to know her really well for her to be. That was not her everyday persona.

 _[Talk later x]_

...

Connie rolled her eyes as they walked into the clinic. "You don't have to be here."

"Well, I wasn't here yesterday as I was busy running your ED. I want to be here and it's my day off so you can't say anything."

"Is that right?" She had an eyebrow raised really high as she crossed her arms, leading him to where she normally sat - close to the window.

Ethan looked around, there were other patients - some with their families. "I'll find a seat." He told her as she sat down and made herself comfortable with a book.

After he found a seat, he settled beside her and took out a revision book and his notepad.

"Still revising hard? Good."

"Yeah, Lily's even checking on my progress."

"Well not long now until your exams." Connie yawned.

Ethan smiled at a nurse passing by as she politely smiled back, seemingly happy that Connie finally had someone to wait with her. "You've made friends."

Connie gave him a small smile. "Well, I will see them a lot, won't I? Look, why don't you go to the café to revise?"

"You're not going to get rid of me that easily Mrs Beauchamp. I'm here to wait and support you. Or you can tell someone - Charlie perhaps."

"Hmm, don't start Ethan. At least let me enjoy my book in silence. How is Lily anyway? I know that her official resignation came through."

Ethan gave her a small smile. "She's great, actually. Going to call her later before she goes to bed."

"Lily Chao, Head of Department. In China, no less. Who would have thought?"

He agreed, but it was inevitable. Lily was fantastic and brilliant. It was bound to happen that China would want her more than England. "I'm really proud of her. But I'm afraid that I will never see her. We've done really well into repairing our broken relationship."

Connie dug her nails into her palm in pain as she turned to Ethan. "You could always visit each other."

"Yeah, I'm planning to go to Hong Kong for Christmas and New Years. It's the first without... without Cal."

"Hmm, yes. It is." It was the first without Grace for Connie not that it ever bothered her before but it stung and hurt so badly now.

"I'm so sorry, I'm being so inconsiderate talking about me. How about you? Grace?"

Connie shook her head. "I'm working anyway. No, keep telling me about you. It takes my mind off which in turn makes it bearable."

Ethan nodded, closing his revision book and settling comfortingly into his seat. "I'm even decorating my flat with Lily's virtual help. I won't even be there because I'll be surprising her but it will be nice to come home to see the tree intact."

"Lily doesn't know that you're surprising her?"

"No," he smiled. "She's done so much for me, the best I could do for her is to give her presents personally."

Connie frowned. "I overheard Iain telling Sam that he's going there for his Christmas time off. Don't you think that it will be unusual for you to be there?"

"The last thing Lily wants is Iain there. They ended things. I wanted to also cheer her up if I could. If he turns up then I can be there to be a mediator."

She nodded, closing her eyes. "I guess that will be wise. But what if you're needed to work?"

"I would hope not. I've been planning this time off even before Cal died. We were meant to go travelling, I'm hoping to take someone else instead."

"Alicia?"

He shook his head. "She says she is working. Lily might be available but I doubt it now. Maybe I should just cut my losses on those tickets. I bought them anyway."

"That will be stressful to do. If all options fail, I'll make myself available, how about that?"

Ethan chuckled lightly, slightly nervous. "A holiday with my boss? I'm kind of hoping that never happens."

Connie laughed. "Me too. I only said it to make you feel better but God, do not take me on holiday with you!"

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Good, otherwise people would start talking and I'm not so sure about you as a toy boy."

Ethan's mouth dropped open as he realised what she had just said. She seemed to notice because she smiled, closing her eyes as she shifted herself in her seat.

"Close your mouth, Dr Hardy otherwise you'll catch flies."

Closing his mouth, he opened his book. "Wow, Mrs Beauchamp. You've probably scarred me for life."


	19. Chapter 19

He knew it, deep in his gut, that he'd failed it.

The practical consultancy exam did not feel hard or difficult but that was how exams worked, right? They seemed easy enough to do but when the results came through, they were results of failure.

He sighed, slamming the door to his locker shut as he hooked his satchel over his shoulder.

"How was it?" Charlie asked him, making a cup of tea for himself.

"I know that I failed it. I don't know how to tell Mrs Beauchamp. Or Lily. She sent me a good luck card which came in this morning but now it feels like I failed them."

Charlie sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sure that you've done really well. Connie will be proud and even Lily. How is she settling in? We got news of her quick promotion."

"She's fine, I guess." Ethan shrugged. "I better get going. I'm tired and I honestly do not want to think about the exam any longer. I'm just hoping to do better on the written exam."

"Yeah, you go and sleep and forget about it, okay? You're going to be fine. You've revised a lot and it will all show when you get your results to find out that you _did_ _fantastic_ , Ethan."

Somehow, Ethan didn't believe him. When he got home, he ignored the fourth call from Lily, deciding to call her tomorrow on his day off which happened to be hers too.

He placed his bag on the sofa and went to the fridge, opening it to retrieve the bottle of wine that he refused to drink. Pouring himself a glass, he thought about the practical exam and reran it in his mind to make sure that he did everything textbook.

Check the airways, listen for any breathing...

Speak to relative gently, ask any questions which may help, break the news gently...

 _Oh, God_ , he thought. He closed his eyes and took a long sip from his glass, relieved of the taste from the crimson liquid hitting his tongue.

He swallowed and turned around to lean on the fridge, keeping his eyes on the photo of Cal.

"I had my, uh, practical consultancy exam today. I don't think it went well though. I know for a fact that you would have broken heartbreaking news more gentler to relatives with your charm and wit. I also know you wouldn't be a nervous wreck, asking stupid questions when treating a practice dummy as a patient. I know I failed it, you don't have to look at me that way." Cal's face grinned at him, making him shakier as the wine trembled in the glass. "You'd say that I'm being stupid and call me 'Nibbles' then I'd ask you not to but secretly, I loved it when you called me that. We rarely said 'I love you' to each other but you saying that made me feel loved." He finished the wine and poured another glass, realising that he'd poured the last contents of it. "I need a beer. You and I would have been enjoying two each around now whilst watched the Match of the Day replay. I don't watch football much lately. It would have hurt without you but Lily says she supports Arsenal and checks how they did sometimes. Can you believe that, Cal? Arsenal for goodness sake! I guess they're good but they aren't as good as our team, right? I was on the phone to Lily the other day and she said that I won't have to waste those tickets - she'd come with me. How nice of her, hmm? And she doesn't even support them... Oh, no! We are meant to decorate the flat!" Lily had been busy on the first so she decided to help on the second.

He quickly grabbed his phone from his bag and called her, sighing in relief when she didn't seem too mad.

"I'm so sorry, I was busy."

He could hear a smile as she spoke. _"With a special someone? Alicia, maybe?"_

"Oh, no." He swallowed deeply, trying to stop the blackness from making its presence known. "I, uh, was having a shower. Long day."

 _"Ah, your practical exam. Don't tell me, you did great. I'm so proud of you! Log onto Skype so I can see you!"_

Ethan sighed, opening his laptop and logging onto it before clicking Skype and sending Lily a call. She quickly answered, waving at him with a large smile.

"I'm going to hang up the phone," he told her. He hung up and smiled at her. Her smile was too contagious. "Hey."

 _"Hi... Right, show me these decorations!"_

He was relieved that she didn't seem to notice that he was slightly drunk and talking to a photo of his brother but she seemed tired but happy.

"Yes. Okay." He got up and opened the large Amazon boxes which were placed on the coffee table. He put his laptop on the kitchen counter to face him. "Right, I've already put the tree up yesterday with Charlie but I wasn't..." He blinked hard, stopping the alcohol from making its effects. "...sure whether to put green and red or red and silver tinsel up."

 _"Red and silver with green baubles. Or are those blue baubles I see in the box?"_

"No no, they're green. Right, okay." He smiled widely at her and started to decorate his tree. Once he was done, he gestured to the fireplace. "Silver or green?"

Lily paused, pursing her lips as she struggled to see. She put her glasses and Ethan was shocked to find that he had kind of missed her wearing those.

"You look pretty."

Lily started laughing. _"Oh, Ethan. Thank you, I guess? Everyone's writing here is so small, I'd need a microscope to read them. I may have resorted to using my spare pair of glasses more than usual. Anway, the green brings it out. There's too much silver on the tree anyway."_

Ethan nodded, placing the green tinsel on top of the mantlepiece where photos of his deceased family were.

 _"It really brings attention to your loved ones. Are those seasonal pillows? Oh, Ethan, they're lovely!"_

He had never known that Lily was one for seasonal throws or pillows but they were just so jolly, he guessed she must have loved them. "Yeah, Duffy chose them. She even got some for her and Charlie. Anyway, let's start on this wall then move to the door..."

As the night grew on, he found himself more at home than he ever was, looking at all the sparkling and shiny plastic that littered his living room. Lily had long logged off, it was early for her in Hong Kong and he had long burnt the alcohol off with all the rushing about and stretching Lily had made him do but it was all worth it. It was time to be festive and if he was alone for Christmas, he still had friends he could count on. Cal was still there, in his heart and for once, this may have been one of the best days of his life. And he smiled.


	20. Chapter 20

**There wasn't Ethan in yesterday's episode so I didn't know what to write so I am sorry for the late update. I won't upload next week either since there is not an episode then. This is because I want to keep it in canon but I might upload next week if I do get an idea.**

* * *

"A date?"

Ethan nodded, a nervous smile playing on his lips as his hand gently touched Alicia's.

Her eyes glanced down at them and she sighed. "Ethan..."

"I know what you're going to say. I think we should try again though. Last time, the timing was awful and I felt guilty but now that I'm moving on, it's what Cal would have wanted. After all, he did pave the way for us a little by getting me to ask you out that night."

"But you became obsessed with Scott Ellison after."

"He's dead. I have to think about my future - our future?"

Alicia shivered, blushing as she sniffled in the cold air. They were on the roof, it was a late shift, probably around eleven in the night and they'd managed to sneak away for a quick coffee.

Ethan had spoken to Lily time and time again, the latter urging for Ethan to at least try things again with Alicia. It had turned out that being Head of Department whilst leading a research team meant no rest for the wicked. She had cancelled their holiday plans in the sun and football match. Then she'd had the wicked idea to get him to ask Alicia instead, to make amends and to finally get together over the Christmas season.

"Ethan... how about a drink and dinner tomorrow then? You can come over to Lily's - my - place and I'd cook for you for once."

Ethan sighed in relief, letting out a wide smile as he entwined their fingers.

She smiled back, blushing. "Don't think I won't tell Lily about this. She seems to think that we're together already."

He blushed too. "I may talk to her more often than needed about you. She suggested that I make things work for you and I and I most definitely want that. She sees something between us that I want to continue to pursue."

"Well, let's go back in." She grinned.

...

He had two weeks off.

He _had two weeks off_.

Clicking the 'confirm' button, he smiled to himself. Unfortunately, he wouldn't be able to go to the football match that he'd organised a year in advance but he had received a nice payout when he sold them to a desperate father and his son that he treated last night. They seemed like they needed it and he hoped for them that their team won. He told the little boy to inform him if they did since they were coming for a checkup after the match.

He had also managed to change the dates of his trip to Marbella forward instead of after the New Year. He also smiled to himself, booking his next trip which is where he'd go first.

"Hey, you," Alicia said, sitting beside him a cup of tea. "Ooh, Marbella?"

Ethan nodded. "Yeah, since we've got two weeks off, I thought that I would pull it forward instead and just work the week I was meant to be off."

"Two tickets? Who's the lucky person?"

"You."

Alicia raised her eyebrows. "But we're not together yet."

"I know but I honestly didn't want to waste them and Lily can't go and Cal... obviously can't go if I'm stating the obvious so how about it? I really need this trip and I'd rather spend it with someone I love." His throat grew heavy as he turned away from her and continued his booking for his next trip.

"Hong Kong?"

He nodded. "I planned to meet Lily at Christmas but I got called in too. She's really busy-"

"Being Head of Department." Alicia grinned, sipping her tea.

He chuckled, nodding. "Yes, being Head of Department so I thought I'd surprise her you know? Then go straight to Marbella from there with connecting flights. Shall I add one more ticket? All expenses paid?"

Alicia nodded but stopped his hand. "I want to pay for my own ticket. I know I can't for the Marbella one since it's already paid for but at least let me put my own shares in."

Ethan smiled at her, nodding as she dug into her purse for her card. "We should buy them separately but choose seats together. Let's see here..." She leaned into the laptop and turned to Ethan with a smile. "It will be a lovely surprise for Lily. She'd love it. She told me that she and Iain ended things so I think this would really cheer her up. We're such good friends, aren't we?" She grinned. "Oh! If we're going soon, I need to buy her a Christmas gift!"

...

Lily sighed, kicking her heels off as she stepped into her apartment. She rubbed her arms and stood by the floor-to-ceiling windows, watching the view of the city before her. It was lonely but it was home. Her new colleagues were really friendly and her family were ecstatic to finally have her home in Hong Kong.

There was a knock on the door and she took her coat off, going to answer it. It was the delivery man with a large box.

"Ah, thank you."

He nodded, replying to her in kind and asked her to sign for it. Once she signed for the delivery, she kicked the door back closed and went back to her living room. It was open plan, even the master bedroom connected on the other side of the kitchen which had a sliding wooden door to create a barrier as well as privacy from the main quarters of the home. There were two spare bedrooms down the hall on the other wing, leading from the living room with the dining and breakfast nook in the centre of it all by the kitchen. The apartment had come with the job as it was close to the hospital - walking distance even if there were any emergencies.

She set the box on the coffee table and went about peeling the brown masking tape off, pulling the lid open with her hands.

"Oh, Ethan..." She breathed out.

Inside, there were the gifts she had wanted. Snacks and treats from England which she had missed in the short time she had been in China. There was also a long grey, blue and black plaid scarf which she smiled at. Ethan had a smaller male version of it that he tended to wear whenever they went out for drinks or to the cinema to take their minds off of things. She had played with the tassels at the end of his as they dug into fish 'n' chips once.

Also, inside was her favourite perfume which had broken during the trip to China. She'd been really upset once she called him straight after despite being jet-lagged and tired. He'd promised to make it up to her and he did. She wasn't one to mix and match perfumes, there was only one that she adored which was a branded and expensive one so she knew she had to top these gifts when she sent her own batch of presents to the UK.

She yawned, realising that it was late and she had a meeting at lunch the following day with an early start at nine. It was a day off in terms of the research post but there was no rest for the wicked.

She turned the lights off and headed to her room, about to slide the door closed but there was another knock on the door.

Rolling her eyes, she hoped it wasn't another delivery otherwise she'd complain that they could have brought them together to save time and not waste her time.

Lily walked over to the front door, her bare feet slapping against the marble as she more or less marched over there to probably yell at whoever was disturbing her future sleep.

Yanking the door open, she was taken aback.

"Ethan, Alicia?"

"Surprise, Lily." Ethan grinned.

Alicia gave her a wide smile and a hug. "Merry Christmas!"

A smile broke out on her face as tears sprung to her cheeks. Never in her life did she imagine that she'd have friends who'd travel ages just to see her. She didn't even imagine ever having friends period.

"C-Come in!" She blurted out, moving to the side so they could enter with their suitcases. "But I-I thought that...?"

Ethan parked his suitcase by the plush white furry sofa and nodded at it appreciatively before turning to face Lily. "I had two weeks off now instead. And I was already planning to see you on Christmas Day but I'd been called in. My trip to Marbella is now next week and not in January since I'm working the whole month so you've got us for the week to keep you company!" He took his coat off.

"I'll take those," Lily said, taking their jackets and hanging them up on the nooks by the front door. "Take your shoes off, make yourself comfortable. You must be c-" She yawned. "Cold. I'll turn the heater on and make you something to eat. I'm sure the food on the plane wasn't pleasurable."

Alicia sighed. "Lily, go to bed. We know you're working tomorrow so we can sort ourselves out. I actually think I'd just go to bed, myself to be honest."

Lily smiled brightly at her. "Okay, I'll show you to your rooms then." She took their suitcases, hoping to be as good as a host that she could with the lack of sleep. "I have a single bedroom and a double bedroom."

"I'll take the single and Alicia will take the double."

Lily nodded, turning to the left to park Alicia's suitcase by the dresser before exiting to the room on the left to put Ethan's suitcase there. "The bathroom's between the rooms, as you saw. There are spare towels and toiletries in the dressers of both rooms and in the bathroom drawers of the sinks. There's some leftover takeaway food in the fridge if you are hungry and there's also water bottles and soft drinks. I have tea, it is in the cupboard next to the fridge and the kettles by the fridge too for easy access. The cupboard by my bedroom door has the mugs and plates and the drawer by the fridge has the cutlery."

"Lily, thanks. Now go to bed." Ethan chuckled, finally giving her a tight but short hug. "We've got it from here."

Lily smiled brightly despite her weariness. "I have a day off the day after tomorrow so we will all definitely go exploring then. For now, goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Lily." Alicia smiled.

Once they were sure that Lily had gone to bed, Ethan and Alicia went into the kitchen to find themselves the leftovers to eat.

"Oh, it's nice seeing her. Her hair looks darker," Alicia said lowly, aware that Lily's door was right beside them as they took their plates and mugs from the cupboard. "She doesn't look that happy though. I think she's missing Iain."

Ethan sighed. "We're not playing matchmaker."

"Oh, come on..." Alicia whined a little. "We'll ask her to show us around the hospital she works out and clock out any attractive guys to get over Iain."

"Maybe she doesn't want to get over him." Ethan sighed. "She did want to have a family with him. It's hard getting over your true love you know."

Alicia turned to him, a sad smile playing on her lips. "It's hard getting over me?" She whispered.

"I want us to work. I was in a bad place after Cal died. I was paranoid, depressed and obsessed. I'm sorry for that but it was me just grieving I guess. Everything seems to be head on since and I've not stopped just to relax and realise that I am okay. That the world's still going around even though Cal's not by my side. I love you, Alicia and I'm glad Lily told me to take a chance on us even though I thought you'd never take me back but you said that we could try and that is what I am happy about. Even if we don't work out, I'd still want to be your friend - to be close to you. If we do, I promise to make it up to you."

Alicia kissed his cheek. "I'm hungry." She wanted the conversation to end not because it was making her uncomfortable but because she didn't know what to say to top his words. Ethan always had a way with words even though he sometimes stuttered or was too shy to get them across but when it came to it, he was perfect and she was horrible at making grand romantic gestures. But she would try for him and to not let Lily and Caleb down.

"Ooh, orange chicken!"

And Alicia couldn't hold her laughter inside anymore as she watched Ethan stuff his face with the food.

Once he gulped, he laughed. "Shh!"


	21. Chapter 21

Lily raised an eyebrow. " _You both want to come to work with me_?" She sipped her tea. "I-I guess you guys can come and see where I work but I have a long shift today and I won't be stopping for a quick bite to eat or anything."

"That's fine. We can find something else to do today. Touring Hong Kong." Alicia grinned, winking at Ethan.

"Oh, ok. We better go, otherwise I will be late."

Lily's job was ten minutes away via walking and the three took their time to enjoy the early morning bustling of people commuting to school and work and cars driving through the busy streets.

"God, it's loud, isn't it?" Alicia asked, pulling her jacket tighter around her body.

Lily chuckled, nodding. "You get used to it. The windows at my place block it out well enough. I think too well enough because I sleep like a horse lately. It's nothing like Holby."

Ethan could hear the sadness in her voice but decided not to ask about it. "So, what's the hospital like?"

"Just like Holby but foreign. To you, not to me. The signs are a mixture of Mandarin and English but I have even found myself becoming lost sometimes." Lily cleared her throat. "You'll be waiting in the local library which is across from it. I'll try and make it out for lunch and dinner."

"No, you don't have to if you're very busy. I'm sure you can-"

Lily shook her head with a smile. "It's fine. I have to talk to you guys anyway."

They had arrived and Lily used her ID card to sign in at the front desk. She also collected two visitors' passes for them.

"I'll show you around - my office, the ward I work at and then the cafeteria where you'll come back to at 2:30 PM. It is a late lunch but I can't shift it."

"Perfect. Well, let's get going. We mustn't keep you any longer." Ethan smiled.

...

Lily yawned, smiling as she withdrew her hand from her mouth when she saw Ethan and Alicia waved her over to their secluded table.

"Did you guys get anything to eat?"

"Oh, no..." Alicia frowned. "We don't know how to order." She blushed.

Lily gave out a soft chuckle. "You come with me first then I will help Ethan."

Alicia stood up before following Lily to the queue. It was very short and they found themselves ordering and collecting their food quickly. Alicia went back with both trays to switch places with Ethan.

"There's a variety. Unfortunately, no orange chicken." She raised a bemused eyebrow at him when he blushed furiously.

"Yo-You heard that?"

She nodded. "You woke me up." She helped him order his meal and collect it before grabbing three colas for them and water bottles. They then made their way back to their table to see Alicia already digging in. "Like it?"

"Oh, it's lovely!" Alicia smiled widely. "Why does Ethan look so alarmed?"

"Orange chicken." Lily shrugged, sitting down and eating her food.

Alicia burst out into laughter. "Oh, God! Ethan! I did tell you to be quiet. Sorry, Lily."

"It's fine," Lily giggled herself. "Quite amusing, if I must say so. So, tell me how life is back at home?"

Ethan glanced up at her as Alicia went on to talk about everything that went on which she hadn't been able to talk to her over the phone about.

It was ten minutes after the conversation had ended.

"Are you missing Holby?"

Lily looked up from her drink. "I did live there for four years." She shrugged. "I guess I should come out with it... I was really hoping that you wouldn't visit because it would have made things worse. I would have missed Holby so much and I do and that meant missing Iain as well. Talking on the phone was easy, it was just like old times but you guys actually being here, in Hong Kong, makes the reality of Iain turning up real. I don't want that, I just want to move on. That's why I took the offer to become Head of Department..."

Ethan looked hurt but understood where she was coming from. Holby hurt him too. So many tainted memories, he wondered why didn't he pack all of his things and go to Australia or somewhere?

"I'm sorry that you feel that way, Lily..." Alicia said quietly. "I guess we were excited to see you that we didn't stop and think how-"

"Oh, no. Don't get me wrong. I love that you guys came and see me. Takes the pain away for a little while but..." Lily trailed off, nervously glancing around. "No one knows this but me..."

"What is it?" Alicia asked.

Lily swallowed deeply before turning to face Ethan. "I'm ten weeks pregnant."

Ethan faltered. But they did the blood test. They took samples. She was negative.

"After." She whispered to him.

Alicia looked at her then Ethan. "Did you know already?"

Lily shook her head. "He helped me take a test the first time. We were on our way to work and I threw up. Turns out it was the flu. But then when I told Iain... he told me he wasn't ready but yet we didn't use protection after..."

Alicia stood up and knelt beside Lily. "Was it your decision or his to...?"

"Mine. I feel like I've betrayed him, his trust. He told me didn't want children yet I... knowing that I could get pregnant. I'm a bad person..." She whispered, making Alicia hug her tightly.

Ethan snapped out of his shock and reached over to take her hand in his. "We're here to support you. Do your colleagues know?"

"No, and I don't want them to. Not until absolutely necessary. I just got this job and I cannot mess it up." Lily sighed, rubbing her head. "I want to do something to further my career not stop it all together. I thought Iain and I would still be together so we could raise it but... I don't think I was ever in love with him. Or I don't know if I'm just saying that to lessen the pain that I am more or less a single mother."

"Maybe we should cancel next week and extend our stay," Ethan told Alicia.

Lily shook her head at him. "No. Don't. I'll be fine, okay?"

"Mrs Beauchamp told me that Iain was planning to come at Christmas."

"Oh my God... And he's going to know-"

Alicia chuckled lightly. "Lily, you're barely even showing. We didn't know you were pregnant and we worked with you closely for years. I'm sure that you won't be showing enough for two weeks or so. Just brave the confrontation, and tell him you want to make it work."

"But what if he wants us to go back to Holby. I am happy here."

Ethan knew it. That he might have to let go of her forever. "Convince him to stay. I'll help you."

"I guess it was a blessing in disguise the both of you coming to visit." Lily smiled, hugging them both.

Five days later, Lily waved goodbye to them, promising to call every week, especially on Christmas Day and New Years. But she knew that they wanted an update on Iain and the baby and she couldn't fault them for their concern. To them, she was going into this alone but she'd hope that she would get her own happy ever after especially seeing Ethan and Alicia grow even closer over the week. She had snuck a letter into Ethan's suitcase before she dropped them off at the airport. And another found its way in Alicia's too. If she was going to be miserable this Christmas, she wanted them both to have a magical one despite them working. Lily Chao was going to get Alicia Munroe and Ethan Hardy together even if it killed her.


	22. Chapter 22

Being back at work after the wonderful two weeks away was difficult. They were many doctors down and Ethan felt the pressure coming on, especially when he demanded that Connie should go home an not put patients' lives in danger.

"What's up?" Alicia asked him.

Ethan sighed, rubbing his growing stubble. "Honestly? I wish I was anywhere but here on Christmas Day. I guess I'm just missing Cal and Lily."

Alicia frowned but smiled a little when she placed a kiss on his cheek. "Look up," she told him before going off to treat a patient.

He glanced up and saw mistletoe, blushing. "Hey, Charlie."

Charlie chuckled at him, winking at him. "You and Alicia are back together?"

"No. We're... We haven't really talked. We are good friends though." Ethan smiled.

Afterwards, everything seemed to get worse especially when Connie ended up unconscious being treated by Charlie, David and Elle.

He had to. He had to tell them. She'd hate him but he'd save her life.

Charlie looked at him differently though. Hurt. Shocked that he could keep such a thing from him after what they'd been through - what Charlie had been through with Connie.

He'd saved a life though. A nine-month-old baby who was going to probably end up with a life inside care homes. Well, not life. Just the early years.

"You all right?"

Ethan turned to Charlie, swallowing deeply. "Good."

Charlie nodded. "Good."

At least Charlie didn't seem too hostile. They were okay. But he knew that Connie would be annoyed with him.

She didn't blame him though. He had too. She was just upset that she couldn't spend Christmas with Grace and he felt sorry for her. He really did.

After their shift, Ethan and Alicia made their way to make a toast in Connie's honour but he found himself waiting with Connie through the night.

He watched her eat the little mince pie he gave her - she had smiled a little, she had dozed off, woke up in tears, slept again...

"Go home."

It was a little after 6 AM on Boxing Day and Ethan stirred awake, turning to face Connie reading a book albeit weakly and uninterested.

"No, I'll-" He was cut off by his phone vibrating in his pocket.

"Who is it?" Connie asked as he took it out to see.

"Lily." He sighed, watching as it continued to ring.

Connie rolled her eyes. "Answer it."

Ethan nodded, mindful as to not disturb anyone as he answered it. "Lily, hey. Sorry, I didn't call yesterday... Busy shift. Merry Christmas, you. How is... how are you?"

Connie furrowed her brows. "Tell her we miss her over here..." She whispered.

 _"I'm very well. The baby's fine... Iain's not here. Anyway, Merry Christmas to you too. Alicia managed to call me first."_

Ethan smiled, nodding. "Oh, yeah, Iain had a shift. I'm sure he'll see you sometime soon. We all miss you over here but I'm sure he misses you more. So, she did hmm? I haven't exactly been home yet,"

Their conversation didn't flow as well as he wanted to as Connie was present and he couldn't exactly talk about her pregnancy in front of Connie. What was with women and them wanting to keep secrets from everyone? They were worse than men.

He could hear her smile. _"Ooh, not home yet? You and Alicia finally-"_

"No. I didn't spend the night with Alicia. I was catching up on stuff at work. No big deal. Anyway, you deserve a proper chat and I am quite busy right now so..."

 _"That's fine. I'll talk to you on Skype later. There will be a baby update. God, these cravings. Anyway, as you said, bye bye."_

"Bye." He hung up and leant back in his seat.

"I heard." Connie glanced down. "How far along is she?"

Ethan sighed. "Twelve-thirteen weeks?" He couldn't remember.

She nodded. "Yours? Or Iain's?"

"Excuse me?" Ethan frowned. "Why would it be mine?"

Connie chuckled, eyebrow raised. "I saw how close the both of you got. Now, I think about it. It's probably safe to say it's Iain's. Did you two... ever?"

"Why is my sex life so important?"

"So, you did." Connie grinned. "I knew there was a spark between the both of you."

"There's no spark. I don't love her, not like that. I love Alicia though."

Connie sighed, closing her eyes. "Well, I may be your boss so I have no opinion on this but it looks like you've dug yourself into a love triangle of some sort."

"There is no love triangle. I love Alicia. Lily loves Iain. If they get back together they can be a happy family-"

"How much do you pay your therapist or counsellor?"

"I..."

"Because she is not doing a great job if I must say so." Connie took a sip of water from a glass he hadn't realised was there. "If I can get you to spill out your relationship complications in minutes, what is she doing?"

"Helping me grieve with Cal's death. My personal life other than that is none of her concern and I'm sorry to sound rude but yours."

He knew that she was doing this just to take the attention off of her. But if that was what made her better then so be it.

"Sorry for overstepping the line."

"You know, what? It's my day off so let me go home. Take a quick nap, shower, eat then come back at around oneish in the afternoon. Then, you can ask whatever you want about me."

Connie smiled, nodding that. "I'd like that. I need more gossip in my life. I don't always have a stick up my arse, you know?" They chuckled. "I'd like to be treated like a human being."

Someone cleared their throat and they looked up to see Jac Naylor being wheeled in by a nurse.

"So, look who's got themselves confined in prison, huh?"

"You can say the same about yourself, Naylor." Connie rolled her eyes.

Ethan smiled, standing up and putting his jacket on. "I'll be back later."

"Goodbye, Dr Hardy."

"See you later," he corrected her. "Mrs Beauchamp."


	23. Chapter 23

**Sorry that it's late. There was no episode to go on by so I decided to start it a day after the last chapter. Happy New Year.**

* * *

After Ethan got home, he was met by his next-door neighbour, an elderly lady with a kind smile.

"Ah! Dr Hardy! Merry Christmas. Before you go off, I signed for a package for you. My grandson brought it in, come on in."

Ethan smiled at her as he passed her and collected the postal package.

"Thanks, Mrs Calhoun. Merry Christmas." He left and walked back across the street to his flat. Once he got inside, he placed the box on the dining table and took his jacket off.

He decided to eat breakfast and then after take a long shower. Once he was done, he finally sat at the dining table and opened the box up. Inside was a letter and a leatherback book.

Opening it up, he read the letter.

 _Ethan,_

 _This is a book which I have translated from Mandarin to English. It is a book based on friendship and love. I hope you enjoy it._

 _Also, I have got you a new robe since Caleb burnt your old one by accident. I remember the story, it was very amusing. I know you'd like to keep your old one because the burnt small patch means so much to you but this robe is made from a really luxurious material, it might help you fall asleep easier. Especially on a cold Winter's night after you get home from work._

 _Thanks for being my best friend. Merry Christmas,_

 _Love, Lily._

He smiled and opened up the book where the first page contained a lovely phrase which had its Mandarin counterpart above.

[ _The Book of Friendship_ ]

He also retrieved the midnight blue robe from the small box and smiled. It had silver detailing of roses and flowers but it was in every way very masculine. Smiling, he decided to give her a call.

 _"Ethan! Hi! I was about to go to bed."_

"Well, thank goodness I caught you. Your presents to me finally got here. Thanks, Lil, they were very sweet and lovely."

He could imagine her blushing but Lily Chao was not one to blush. _"You're welcome, Ethan."_ She yawned.

"I don't want you to worry but Mrs Beauchamp was admitted to the hospital. She is down with the flu but she was really out of it so they have her on fluids because she was dehydrated."

 _"Oh, can you make sure she's okay, then? Tell her that I will call her sometime. I hate being out of contact with her, it's so rude of me."_

"Ah, she doesn't mind."

Lily chuckled. _"Well, I will text you a name of a book she'd like. I know you have it. I've seen it, check your bookshelf. I have to go, I'm really tired."_

"Goodnight. And goodnight to the little one."

She smiled but cleared her throat. _"Goodnight, Ethan. Love you."_

She had already hung up when Ethan replied with a meek, "Love you, too."

...

When Ethan returned to the hospital, he found out that Connie had been moved to a private room. He made his way there with a box of chocolates and a book.

"You're back." Connie cleared her throat and glanced at the items he held. "Makes me sick and what kind of book is it? Better not be romance."

Ethan chuckled lightly, sitting down. "I did say I would return and these are for me, I guess. I, uh, had a chat with Lily, just told her that you were down with the flu and she suggested this book as one you'd like." He gave her the book and she raised an approving eyebrow at it.

"Just that I'm down with the flu?" She asked him.

He nodded. "Yeah. I didn't want to get her stressed about it. And I didn't even ask you if I should tell her. Sorry about yesterday again, by the way."

Connie hummed and gestured for him to sit. "Can I start interrogating you now?"

"Fine. Go ahead," he chuckled.

"What are you going to do about Dr Muroe?"

Ethan raised his eyebrows. "I don't know...?"

"Oh, come on." Connie rolled her eyes with a sigh. "I see that you still like her and you are currently plotting to win her back somehow and you can't deny this because Charlie told me."

He laughed, shaking his head. "I'm hoping that after our holiday, we'll become much closer than before."

"So, how's Lily and the baby? You said you'd call her today."

"We didn't really talk much. It's late where she is and she literally hung up after a few words spoken. But she did say that she will call you as soon as she can and that the book I gave you was something you'd like to read."

Connie nodded, wincing. "Thank you. I think that I need to be honest with her and tell her myself but thank you." She cleared her throat. "New Year's plans?"

"No idea. Cal and I were meant to go out. He had a surprise for me." He chuckled, slightly bitter before planting a smile on his face. "He surprised me by not being here for the New Year. Anyway, Lily said she might visit - she misses Holby but it's not confirmed. Alicia said she might be working. I'm guessing my plans are to be alone, in front of the TV and watching the Doctor Who episode I missed."

Connie smirked. "Sounds better than my New Year's."

"Well, you won't be stuck here for New Years hopefully. You look better than yesterday, I'm sure you'll be discharged very soon." Ethan smiled.

"I like your optimism, Dr Hardy."

...

On New Year's Eve, Ethan got ready to go to Charlie and Duffy's after they had invited him over. Alicia had to work so he couldn't spend it with her but he was fine spending it with the Fairheads.

Before he headed out, checking to make sure that he had everything he needed, the door buzzer rang. He went to the phone and answered it. Soon after, he let Alicia in.

"Room at Charlie's and Duffy's for one more?"

He chuckled, hugging her as she shivered, pulling her jacket closer to her body.

"I would have gone straight there but I saw your lights were on."

"I was just about to leave. I thought you had work?" He checked the time on his watch. "Ah, you've had the day shift."

Alicia nodded. "Yeah. It was stressful. Rash was more annoying than usual."

Ethan smiled. "Well, come on then."

When they got to Charlie's, it was just over half past nine. They were invited with soft drinks and some snacks as well as chocolates.

"We have a movie, we'll put it on later. Robyn's coming with Charlotte. The others are working tonight." Duffy told them as she sipped on her Coke. "Make yourselves comfortable!"

Alicia and Ethan chuckled as they took their scarves and coats off before hanging them up and heading to the kitchen to grab some drinks and snacks before settling in the dark with Duffy and Charlie and watching a French film. Robyn and Charlotte had arrived at past eleven with apologies.

"We had to go to the ED with Glen. He said he'll see us tomorrow morning," she told them, handing Charlotte to an excited Alicia.

Soon, it was the final minute before 2018.

"You excited?" Alicia whispered to Ethan as Duffy cooed over Charlotte and Charlie and Robyn watched on happily.

Ethan nodded. "Yeah. Lily texted me earlier, wishing me a Happy New Year but she remembered that it wasn't yet for us back in the UK," he chuckled.

The older couple started to count down from ten.

Once they reached 0, Alicia placed a soft kiss on Ethan's lips.

"Happy New Year, Ethan."

He looked stunned. "Happy New Year." His phone buzzed and he took it out to see that Lily had wished him the same. "Happy New Year, Cal..." He whispered to himself.


	24. Chapter 24

**Ah, finally an interesting episode to go on! :)**

* * *

Lily's eyebrows shot up immediately as she became more alert. "You kissed her?!"

 _"N-no! Sh-she kissed me. Look, I... messed up. I don't know what to do... She's at St. Eugene's Hospital."_

Lily looked all around her. Her cab that she'd ordered was late and she'd finally had a chance to speak with Ethan. He'd begged her to come and she'd dropped everything at work, citing personal issues at home.

"I'm nearby."

She heard him sigh heavily. _"This is only the first step gone that she's going through. She still has two rounds of chemo to go through. Charlie and Duffy are with me but I really need to talk to you when you get here."_

"Connie's first, Ethan. You and I can speak later." She hung up, allowing her throat to choke up as she finally got into a cab and let her tears fall after telling the driver where she wanted to go.

She checked her phone, realising that there were a few missed calls from Ethan since they last spoke and one from Connie.

Switching her phone off, she placed a hand protectively over her stomach and sighed. She was anxious. The only people who knew about her being pregnant were Ethan and Alicia. What was Connie going to think about her?

No. She wasn't important. Connie was.

"Ma'am?"

"Sorry?"

"We're here."

Lily nodded and quickly got out with her suitcase, thankful that she'd already paid via phone before the journey.

She wheeled her suitcase slowly into the building, spoke with the receptionist briefly, collected a lanyard stating her visit and headed upstairs via the lift.

Her breathing became slower as she neared the floor. Once the bell dinged and the doors opened, she continued. Head held high, coat tightened.

"Lily?"

Lily gave Charlie a small smile. "Hi, Charlie. Hi, Duffy."

Charlie gave her a small smile, a small hug following it as Duffy did the same.

"We didn't know you were coming."

"No," Lily told them softly. "I didn't know I was either but I found myself just... going." She glanced down.

"Have you been crying?"

Lily frowned, feeling her eyes as her memories from earlier came back. She'd forgotten to retouch her makeup.

"It's okay, Lily."

Lily smiled but it didn't reach her cheeks. "Where's Ethan?"

"Oh, he's gone to the hotel after much convincing. He'll be back soon. I'm guessing he told you?"

"He did," she confirmed. "It was quite shocking at first. He'd told me that she was unwell with the flu but... he lied." Her smile broke and she sat down, wheeling her suitcase beside the seat. "I... I don't know what to think or what to do. I've literally dropped everything to be here and I... I'm scared of what is next."

Charlie sat beside her, placing a hand on her hand which rested on her knee as Duffy took to his other side.

"Connie's still Connie."

"I know," Lily whispered. "But that's how... how my dad went." Lily looked at him. "I never said goodbye to him and when Ethan told me... I was losing someone all over again. I didn't think twice when it was Connie but I did when it was my dad. What kind of person does that make me if I put other people over my own family?"

Charlie shrugged. "I don't know, Lily. But you loved your father in your own special way. Your father's cancer was very aggressive and he died unexpectedly. Connie's the same but it was slowly killing her. But she's fine, now. She's got through this, Lily."

"Is she ready to take visitors? I'm so sorry for coming so late but this was the only flight that I could take."

"Ah, Lily. It's okay. Because of her connections," he leant in closer. "She's allowed around the clock visitors. Don't tell anybody, sh."

Lily chuckled. "Can-can I see her? Please? There's something I need to tell her. Urgently."

"She was taking a nap last time we went in." Duffy smiled. "That was two hours ago, I'm sure she'd love to see you."

Lily nodded, standing up as she glanced at her suitcase.

"We'll look after it." The older woman smiled.

Lily smiled back and entered the private room to find Connie watching the News.

"Lily Chao as I live and breathe," Connie beamed as best as she could. "Sit,"

Lily obeyed, sitting beside her as she took Connie's right hand. "Mrs Beauchamp-"

"Connie..." Connie warned.

The young doctor chuckled. "Connie... Look at you... Still as beautiful as the day I left."

Connie rolled her eyes. "Flattery won't get you anywhere, Lily. How are you both?"

Lily was about to answer when she stopped herself, eyes widening as she turned to Connie. Connie's eyes widened too as she realised her slip.

"B-both?" Lily faltered.

"I may or may not have heard Ethan on the phone to you." Connie swallowed deeply. She took her glass of water and gulped it down. "And that lovely coat is too tightly put on. You're doing your best to not look pregnant but Lily... I was in your position once, you know."

Lily allowed tears to fall as Connie gripped her hand as tight as she could. "I-I don't know what to do. But this isn't about me... This whole visit is for you. I just wanted to let you know..."

"Lily," Connie cooed. "You're going to be a great mum. No matter if you are in a relationship or not. How did Iain take it?"

"He doesn't know," Lily admitted quietly. "I told Ethan that I'm not planning to let him know either."

Connie frowned. "He'll find out sooner or later."

Lily glanced worriedly at her. "But I'm not even sure if the dates add up."

"What?"

"It... might not be... It might be someone else's. How do I tell them too, if that's the case?"

Connie sighed heavily. "Oh, Lily... What has my little Ice Princess got herself into?" She raised Lily's hand up and gave it a small kiss and a smile. "You'll know when the moment's right. I was the same with Grace. But you'll know."

Lily nodded, letting out a yawn as she lay her head on Connie's bed. "I'm so tired, I barely ate or slept. I just legged it on the first plane back here."

Connie chuckled, playing with her hair. She didn't have Grace but Lily was another person which her maternal instincts acted for. "That's not good for the baby, my love."

"I know," whined Lily. "But you're going through so much worse... and here I am complaining about a piece of life making me tired or hungry or snappy..."

"You're pregnant. You're allowed to complain too, sweetheart."

Lily smiled, raising her head up to face Connie. "I better go and listen to what baby wants since that is what I'll be doing for the next eighteen years of my life. But I'll see you tomorrow. I'm not planning on going anywhere back anytime soon."

Connie gave her wide smile. "Go on, get out of here Trouble."

...

The next morning, Lily woke up from her slumber and turned around to see Ethan getting ready. She sat up and gave him a sheepish smile. "Sorry for kicking you off your bed."

Ethan gestured to the sofa. "Turns out, it was more comfortable than we both thought. And you're not only one person now. I have to be understanding that you are a vessel for another. Also, I'm not prepared to let my pregnant best friend anywhere near a sofa to sleep on. Breakfast?"

Lily was about to nod when she rushed out of the bed and headed to the bathroom, emptying her stomach contents.

"And I'm guessing bacon is off the table?" Ethan grimaced.

Once Lily had finished getting a shower, brushing her teeth and getting dressed, she joined Ethan downstairs in the lobby. "Baby wants pancakes." She rolled her eyes.

"There's a lovely restaurant which is doing its breakfast menu across the street-"

"Not English ones. The fluffy ones which I get from this great little café back in Hong Kong. They're about ten centimetres tall and so delicious." She rubbed her bump. "I guess we can settle for the ones where you said they'll be."

Ethan chuckled at her complete turnaround and allowed her to hook her arm through his as they waited for a cab.

"How's Alicia?"

"She's fine. Haven't really spoken in a short while since I've been with Mrs Beauchamp but she's fine."

After they had got to the restaurant and ordered for their meals, Lily decided to interrogate Ethan about what had happened.

"We were drinking champagne. It was lovely, watching the skyline of London and laughing about anything and everything. I even told her about my Huntington's. Then it became quiet and she leant in and kissed me. Once her lips left mine, I... I addressed her as _Mrs Beauchamp_ so formally. It was embarrassing and I felt so horrible. She left quickly after that. I waited and waited for her but she never answered when I was at her hotel room door or her calls. It was until I finally text Charlie and he'd told me what had happened. She was found by a housekeeper, unconscious in the bath with a smashed glass of champagne on the floor... I..."

Lily reached over, handing him a tissue as he took it gratefully. "Do you like her?" She asked quietly.

Ethan's eyes widened as he shook his head. "N-No! What do you take me for, Lily?"

"I'm not saying you led her on Ethan. You were drinking, it's a natural reaction. She must have felt that your presence gave her some strength. She was alone in this and there you were... her guardian angel."

He looked down, blushing. "I'm no one's guardian angel."

"You are..." Lily said quietly. "Your brother died and when you're meant to mourn him not being here in the New Year... you're helping someone who is going through cancer. In my opinion, you are a superhero."

The waiter set their meals down and soon left, allowing them to eat in silence.

"Lily... Forgive me if I'm overstepping the line but something that Mrs Beauchamp said had me thinking..."

Lily stopped raising her fork up as she looked up at him through her eyelashes, her head kept down on her food. "What?" She breathed out.

"I need to be honest with you... But you also need to be with me because that is what our friendship is about, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't know my deepest and darkest secrets."

"Get to the point or question, Ethan." Lily almost snapped.

"Is it mine?"

And the fork dropped onto the plate with a loud _clank!_.

...

"Hey, you." Connie smiled.

Lily smiled back, sitting next to Connie as Charlie sat by the TV, reading a newspaper. Duffy had returned back to work and Ethan had decided to continue placing distance between him and Connie and now, Lily.

"I... I told him," whispered Lily as she leant closer to Connie.

Connie's eyes widened as she turned to Charlie. "Oh, Charlie... Can you do me a favour and get me some fruit. I'm craving pineapple..."

Charlie smiled, standing up as he placed the newspaper on his vacated seat and took his jacket. "I'll be back in a short while." He kissed her head and patted Lily's shoulder gently before leaving, closing the door shut behind him.

"How did he take it?"

"He's the one who brought it up." Lily sighed, rubbing her head. "I've really got to do something about this, now. I have to tell Iain too and... maybe it was best I never came. We could have Skyped-"

Connie took her hand. "Hey, don't get yourself worked up. This is good. This is right. Now, soon they'll both know and you will know who truly is going to be a good father when they either be there for you or not. You love Iain but do you know if he's going to be there for you?"

"He did say he wasn't ready to be a dad." Lily bit her lip. "But on the other hand... my baby could grow up with a ticking time bomb."

"The Huntington's. You don't know that."

"I don't know anything, anymore!" Lily exclaimed. "There's a 50/50 chance that they could have Huntington's if their father is who I think it is or they won't if it's who I want it to be."

Connie sighed. "Are you sure you don't know the dates?"

"It's been the only thing messing with my head for weeks now."

"Then there's only one thing to do."

Lily immediately shook her head. "You know the risks."

"Get it done. Then you'll know what to do next. If you'll excuse me, I believe that a nurse will be in soon to take me to chemotherapy. Tell Charlie where I am and get it done now."

The urgency in Connie's voice made Lily waver as said nurse entered and prepared her to be taken off.

"See you later," was all Lily could say with a heavy heart.


	25. Chapter 25

With Connie transferred to Holby, Lily was able to go back to China after four days.

"Are you sure that you're okay?"

Lily nodded, giving him a small smile. "I am."

"You collapsed, Lily. What was in that letter?"

"Nothing. Just something from work."

Ethan gave her a look as he folded his arms. "Something from work made you faint?"

"Yeah," she said quietly as she folded the remaining of her clothes. "I'm not leaving until seven. Do you want to go jogging?"

"Jogging? Seriously? You're pregnant."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "And so? Pregnant women can't work out?"

Ethan smiled nervously. "Of course they can. But you literally fainted ten minutes ago."

Lily sighed. "But I need something to release all this pent up energy inside me. I just need some fresh air. If you want, you can join me."

She was surprised to see that after she'd had got dressed in her gym leggings and a tank top, Ethan had already changed.

"Seriously?"

"Yep. And I want to make sure that you're okay. So, I've packed two water bottles and-"

Lily stopped him with a tight hug. "Thank you for caring."

She let go and tied her hair up. "Let's go."

It was cold but Lily had hoped that once they got going, it would get warmer. And it did.

It was peaceful, being eight in the morning and most people were at school or work.

"You're... too... fast. How... much... are... you..." Ethan stopped. "Hoping to burn through?"

Lily stopped just a couple of metres ahead of him and turned to face him with his hands on his thighs, bent over.

"You work in an ED and you are this unfit?" She asked jokingly. "I haven't been able to do this back in Hong Kong... I'm just enjoying every-"

"Lily?"

Lily's heart stopped as she quickly covered her stomach protectively. "Iain."

She turned and saw him. He was dressed in a light jacket, some jeans and he was carrying a shopping bag. It was most likely his morning off or day off.

"How...? H-hey."

She gave him a shy smile. "Hi. How are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm guessing you heard about Mrs Beauchamp, that's why you're here."

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm going back today." A pang of guilt went through her chest. She hadn't expected to be guilty. "Sorry, I hadn't even stopped by the ED to see everyone."

"You wouldn't be the only one. Zoe also visited and took Max with her. What's to say you will today and whisk me away too?" He said lightly.

Ethan slowly walked up to them and gave Iain a smile. "If you guys want to talk, I can just head home-"

"Oh, no. You guys are... Anyway, I best be getting off home. Had a long overnight shift. Only got the chance to do the weekly shop since I had no breakfast at home. It's not like it's going to be worth it, they'll go off anyway..." Iain gestured behind him. "See you around, Lily. I hope you're happy."

Lily's eyes watered so she turned away from him, nodding. "Thanks. Come on, Ethan."

They had spent forty-five minutes jogging before stopping at a park to stretch and rest their legs on a bench. Lily took a sip of water and sighed, inhaling the British atmosphere.

"I miss this." She sighed.

Ethan glanced up from gulping his own bottle of water. "Hey," he said gently once he noticed tears slipping down her cheeks.

"I just feel so alone. So unhappy... But at the same time, I love Hong Kong. It was where I was born. I missed the food and it was kind of a relief to taste it again but then I get homesick and being back in Holby... makes me just want to give it all up and come home."

"Lily... You're an amazing doctor and you're even an amazing Head of Department. And you'll soon be an amazing mother. You are not alone. We're all a phone call away."

Lily nodded. "Yeah, you're right." She placed the bottle back in Ethan's backpack and started to jog on the spot. "Let's go back."

After taking showers and eating, Lily and Ethan made their way to the ED. She made sure that her coat was done up tightly but then she realised that Connie had sussed her out immediately.

"Hey, do you have a hoodie that I can borrow?" She had asked before they left.

Ethan went and got his old university hoodie and gave it to her for her to put on. It hid her small bump perfectly and she had completed the casual look with black booties and a leather jacket which stayed unzipped. There was no reason to define the bump.

"Lily!"

Lily smiled and accepted the tight hug from Alicia which went on a little longer than expected. They both needed this.

"Nice to see you again, Dr Chao."

"Rashid, I don't work here anymore. We can drop the formalities." Lily blushed. "It's Lily."

Rash smiled, nodding. "Alright, Lily. I best get back..." He left to go and treat a patient.

Alicia smiled brightly at Lily as she led them into the staffroom. "How's you...?"

"I'm fine. Doing good." Lily swallowed deeply. "Thanks. How are you?"

"I'm good. Work is stressful obviously but I'm good. Oh! Do you know that Ethan's going for an interview next week?"

Lily turned to him. "You are? For what?"

"I'll tell you if it goes well."

"We all know that it will," Alicia assured him. "I have to go back to work but I'm sure everyone would love to see you."

Lily gave her one last hug. "I'm going tonight so if I don't see you again..."

"Ah," Alicia tsked. "Bye then," she told her, tightening the hug. "Look after yourself, eh? Give me a call as soon as you get back."

"I will. Bye."

Ethan handed her a cup of tea as Alicia left the room. "Feeling better?"

"Definitely," she nodded. "Well, let's make this quick. I need to take a nap before I get on the plane. I can never fall asleep. I get too paranoid."

Ethan chuckled. "Well, come on then."

When they got back to Ethan's, it was just past six in the evening. She had decided to visit her mother and the restaurant. Then they had stayed to eat there, Ethan getting his orange chicken as a special order and Lily settling for prawn noodles. It was a buffet but she had felt all sorts of nausea.

The TV was on and Lily was laying down on the sofa, not really watching it. Her hand rubbed circles on her bump as tears sprung to her eyes.

"Hey..." Ethan said softly when he noticed. He left the other seat and joined her, letting her legs rest on his thighs. "What's wrong?"

"Everything..." She whispered. She took a deep breath, wiping her tears. "I'm just being stupid."

"You're not." He smiled softly. "So, what will you call the baby?"

Lily turned to him. "What?"

"Yeah, what will you call the baby?"

Lily blinked. "I... I haven't really thought of that. If it's a girl, I guess Jade or Jasmine or even Rose. A boy... probably after the man who saved my life. Callen. Or Eugene."

"Eugene will probably get him picked on for the rest of his life." Ethan joked.

Lily swatted him lightly, her tears becoming happy ones. "Wouldn't you know. It might just get him places." She wiped her tears.

"What if it's twins?"

"Oh, God..." She covered her face. "If it's twins," she mumbled. "I don't know what I'd do."

"Okay. I won't stress you up then. How far along are you now? Thirteen weeks?"

"I'll be fourteen weeks along soon."

Ethan smiled brightly at her. "That's so wonderful. I bet you're excited."

Lily gave him a small smile, nodding. "It's scary to do it alone but I am ready for this." A fluttering settled in her chest.

"Can you feel them kick or anything?"

She shook her head. "That doesn't happen so early in the pregnancy. Give it three-four more weeks and I'll probably feel something."

"Well, let me know. I'm sure their godmother would love to know."

Lily laughed. Alicia had been pestering her day after day about being godmother to the point that Lily had suggested that she might ask Robyn instead. Alicia had stopped calling about that soon after and Lily had randomly called during Alicia's shift to let her know that she would indeed be the godmother but that has restarted the calls of how her 'special godchild' was doing.

"She's been secretly reading books. She's taking your secret not lightly. Every time someone mentions your name even if it doesn't mean that it's you, she'll change the subject."

Lily laughed. "Wonderful."

Soon, it was time to leave. Ethan had gone to look for something to give her and she'd stood by the door, ready to go. She held the letter in her hand and sighed, crumbling it up and throwing it in the bin.

Ethan had caught her doing so and gave her a smile and a teddy. "It was Toad's teddy. Well, Matilda's." He blushed. "I'm sure she'd love to give it to your baby wherever she is. Cal would have wanted that too."

Lily took the pale yellow teddy and smiled, giving Ethan one last hug. They heard the cab horn and she turned. "Thanks. I'll see you soon."

"See you soon, Lily."

After she left, Ethan became curious and took the bin lid up and placed it on the ground. He took the crumpled letter and uncrumpled it before reading it.

"Oh my God..." He whispered.


	26. Chapter 26

**Here's the next chapter! It's actually on time for once! Obviously on par from today's episode but altered to fit the story. Enjoy! :)**

 **Before I continue, can I just say that you are all amazing and I love your reviews! They always make me smile especially on a stressful day or after a stressful week. I love you guys and thanks for your support and love for the story, you are why I continue to write :) x Love Bex.**

* * *

Ethan watched as Connie walked in, files in hand, and sat in front of him.

He blinked at her, ignoring the urge to untighten his tie as the room grew hotter than before.

He could do this. Yes, he could. But why was _she_ here? Wasn't he meant to have someone else do his consultancy interview? She was meant to be at home or somewhere away from the hospital, recuperating.

But the letter in the pocket inside his suit jacket almost burned at him. His confusion and curiosity growing on him.

He had to ask.

Taking it out, he unfolded it and slid it across the table.

"You knew?"

Connie glanced down at the words and shrugged indifferently.

"I knew. But it wasn't up to me. There are other candidates for my position, you know?"

Ethan glanced down at the letters, sliding it back to him to see it clearer.

 ** _It is with regret that we decline your application for the role of interim Clinical Lead at Holby City Hospital._**

"Lily wants to come back?"

"I don't know. She didn't resign from her position in Hong Kong so I assume that she was planning to after her application was accepted here. But you and I both know that she wouldn't be able to handle it. The stress, the pregnancy... Even the thought of seeing Iain hurts her."

Ethan folded the letter back up and returned it to his pocket. "So, she's staying in Hong Kong forever?"

"I don't know. We haven't spoken about that but we did speak about how she's coping with everything. Anyway, today is about you. Let's not stray from what we are meant to achieve today. Perhaps, you'd like to get yourself a water. Or coffee, whatever you want and we will continue this in a short while."

He stood up and left the room, the temperature decreasing drastically. He breathed out a sigh of relief.

Alicia walked up to him with a smile on her face. "Hey," she said to him. "Have you gone in yet?"

"Yeah, it hasn't started. I think we're actually waiting for a few more people. But I've been told to get some water or a coffee. Something to relax I guess."

"You'll be fine. Did you speak to Lily? She hasn't been answering my calls."

Ethan shook his head. "I'm sure she'll catch up with you soon. She's returned to a lot of paperwork waiting for her."

Alicia chuckled, nodding. "Yeah, she sent that text when she started work the next day. I guess you're right. Uh, she said she saw Iain before she left? Did she tell him?"

He cleared his throat as one of his interviewers nodded at him and entered the room. "No. She didn't tell him but I think she will soon. I think she and Iain will be very happy together, especially if they are becoming parents. Maybe Iain's ready to take the next step but Lily would want him to move out there."

"She doesn't seem very willing to rekindle the relationship. Anyway, I'll let you get on. Good luck." She kissed his cheek and went back downstairs as he quickly went to the coffee shop downstairs to get some chamomile tea. It will probably make him feel sleepy but at least he would be relaxed. Going back upstairs, he waited until he was called in, hoping he wasn't delaying them. It wasn't long until Connie stalked out sans files and walked downstairs without even a second glance at him. She probably didn't see him waiting. He _was_ stood on the side in which the door will probably hit him flat on the face.

The door opened again and the man from before stood before him. "We're relocating. The light has gone out but it won't be far. Just the room across."

Ethan nodded and watched as the interviewers exited with their files and settled into the new room. The man checked his watched and the other interviewer read through their notes.

"We're ready for you." He finally heard ten minutes later.

"Right," he replied, dumping his finished cup in the bin and entering the room with the interviewer.

"Dr Hardy, if you'd like to take a seat?" Connie asked.

Ethan stopped for a little while before taking a deep breath in and sitting down.

 _I can do this. I can do this._

He looked up to hear Connie ask him the first question.

 _This should be easy enough to answer..._

...

"How did it go?" Alicia asked as they waited outside of the interview room.

Ethan sighed, shaking his head. "It went awful. Like really really awful."

"It might not be as bad as you think." Alicia tried with a sympathetic smile.

"I brought up Mrs Beauchamp's cancer." Ethan looked away.

Alicia's eyes widened as she handed him the coffee that she held in her hand. "Uh..."

"Yeah." He took a sip and sighed. "Thanks," he mumbled.

She nodded at him. "I'm sure you'll be fine. Anyway, we can head to the pub after and-"

They were cut off by Iain and Sam rushing a patient in.

"Later," Alicia mouthed to him as he rushed off to get changed.

 _Oh my God_...

Ethan nursed a cup of coffee as he finally took in the day's events. He'd almost lost a patient but managed to save her at the last minute after much persistence. He'd gone through a consultancy interview but he was so sure he messed that up so there was no point in thinking about it anymore. Connie had set him up.

From the corner of his eye, as he stepped out of the staffroom to talk to Alicia, he spotted Connie heading upstairs. Giving Alicia his cup, ignoring her confused glance, he walked up to Connie.

"You set me up." He cleared his throat. "You set me up. You made me look like a complete-"

"You got it. The vote was unanimous and you will be hearing shortly from the board. Congratulations." She walked away as Alicia walked up to him with his coffee.

"Ah, you didn't get it. Don't worry, we'll drown our sorrows down at the pub-"

"Sorrows?" Ethan asked. "What sorrows?" He grinned.

Alicia gasped, placing her hand over her mouth in shock. "You got it?!"

"I'm a consultant!"

"You're a consultant!"

"Oh my God... I'm a consultant."

Alicia laughed, hugging him tightly. "Well done! Oh, everyone will be so proud!"

He glanced at the time and noticed that it was the end of their shift in thirty minutes. "We'll go to the pub and announce my news."

She nodded, grinning. "Come on then, Mr Consultant. Let's go and treat your first patient as a _consultant_!"

It was late when he got home. A smile was probably permanently etched onto his face and he looked at Cal's smiling photo.

"I did it, Cal. All along I thought I couldn't get to this place but everyone told me otherwise and when I finally believed that I could, it happened. You could have been a consultant too..." He trailed off, his smile relaxing every second which ticked by.

He took his coat and suit jacket off, hanging the former up before placing the suit jacket in his wardrobe. He returned to the kitchen to get some popcorn before sticking a Doctor Who episode on the TV.

"I'm a consultant..." he breathed out, happy tears glistening in his eyes. He looked back at the photograph of his brother and smiled at it. "I think that this is the start of me officially moving on. I'm not letting you go, I'm just looking towards a bright future. I know it will be hard after the first anniversary of your death but it will get easier just like when both of our mothers died. I will get over it because that's the beauty of grief, right? It does get easier and we are all able to move on and carry on, the world keeps turning around and around..." He chuckled lightly, looking down at his popcorn. "The beauty of grief..." He looked back up at the photo. "I should make a novel about that, right? Goodnight, Cal..."

He increased the volume of the TV and sat back, enjoying as the Doctor and his companion set off on their next adventure in the episode.

* * *

 **Not the last chapter, don't worry! I'm just making the title of the story finally fit in with the process of Ethan's grieving and his new start. Also, there will be a very interesting chapter next week with Ethan being CLINICAL LEAD?! I can't wait to capture that episode! Also, Ethan and Alicia will need to somehow get together and we really need to know Lily's baby situation. So stay tuned and thank you all so much!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Back with another chapter. Shorter than usual and more of a filler than anything but I hope you enjoy it! There wasn't much I could go on but next week's episode looks juicy.**

* * *

It was ten past ten in the morning when Ethan finally arrived home. He had spent a full 24 hour day as Clinical Lead.

"It gets easier," he kept hearing. "It gets easier."

He yawned, stretching as he shut off the ignition, collected his briefcase and got out of the car. In his tired state, he was surprised he remembered to lock it straight after. When he finally stepped into his home, he immediately went to lie on the sofa before settling into a deep sleep.

Six hours later, he awoke. He slipped his coat off and took his shoes off before getting ready for a shower.

His phone rang but he ignored it, deciding to call the person later. As he stepped under the hot spray of water, he breathed a sigh of relief.

But he would have to go back in four hours. Groaning the rest of his shower was met with annoyed, tired and irritated thoughts. Curse whoever said that it will get easier.

Once he was finished, he got redressed and ate in front of the TV. He glanced at Cal's photograph before turning back to the TV with a smile.

"Thanks, Cal. You've just made my day better."

His phone rang again so he placed his meal on the coffee table before digging into his suit jacket to get it.

"Hello?"

 _"Hello to you too."_

"Alicia," he said with a smile. "Sorry. I was meant to call you but after a 24-hour shift, the last thing on my mind was a phone call. I'm so tired, I'm still yawning and I'm due back in three and a half hours." He checked the time.

Alicia clicked her tongue. _"Ah, sorry to hear that. I've got some days off but my shifts are mostly nights at the end of the week. We'd keep missing each other."_

He nodded. "Yeah. Sorry, I missed your calls."

 _"No worries. I knew you'd be sleeping so I was honestly hoping to leave a voicemail but you go back to sleep, yeah?"_

He chuckled. "Yeah, after I've eaten my late lunch or early dinner. I still haven't decided which."

 _"Hmm, well, enjoy yourself and don't overwork yourself, Mr Clinical Lead. Bye."_ She hung up and Ethan put his phone on silent to charge before setting alarm for three hours time. He finished his meal and settled on the couch to fall asleep.

By the time he was awake, he'd slept nine hours. "That's enough," he yawned, stretching.

He took his phone off of charge and put it in his bag before slipping his suit jacket on and coat.

When he got back to work, it seemed as if it was going to be exactly like the day before. Stressed out, running around, breached patients and family domestics.

"Hey, Ethan." Jacob smiled as he walked past.

"Hi, Jacob," Ethan responded before smiling at Charlie who gave him a thumbs up back.

At least they were with him not against him. He wasn't sure if he could take all the teasing and questioned retorts today.

Ethan headed to his temporary office, hanging his bag and coat. He took his phone out of his bag and turned it on vibrate mode before slipping it into his pocket.

He then went on to write up and sign files before checking them once over. In the time he had gone home, there had been four casualties, three deaths and many referrals.

Just a normal day or night since it was past eight at night.

His mind was drifting off when he realised that his phone was buzzing.

"Lily, hey."

 _"Hi. I'm sorry I haven't called you."_

He smiled. "Communication works two ways, Lil. Hey, I'm actually at work-"

 _"Oh. Sorry. It's just that Alicia told me you got the job. Well done on becoming a consultant. Maybe one day you will match me."_

He grinned. "Actually, I have."

He could hear the frown in her voice. _"I'm sorry?"_

"Clinical Lead."

 _"Connie's resigned?"_

He cleared his throat. "Well, _interim_."

 _"I thought so,"_

"I know you applied."

Lily chuckled. _"I didn't expect to get it. I was shocked that it really meant that there was nothing for me back in Holby. I've learnt to move on and get on with things. For my sake and the baby's."_

Ethan beamed. "Well done, Lily. How is baby doing?"

There was a long pause. _"Really... good. Yeah, just getting used to the baby. Hey, I'll be able to check the gender soon. Can't wait for that."_

"Lily... I know that we've been distancing ourselves since you came back for Mrs Beauchamp. I know I took you off guard and I'm sorry. I hope there are no awkward feelings between us."

 _"There's none, Ethan. Look, I'll let you get on. But you were right to ask me."_

"Do you know?"

Another pause. _"I don't want anybody to get hurt, so I don't think I want to know. But you're still my best friend."_

"Ethan! The red phone has just rung." Charlie burst into the office and told him before rushing back out.

Ethan nodded. "Well, you're mine too. I have to go but look after yourself. Bye."

It was abrupt but work came first. Yep, just another normal stress-filled day.


	28. Chapter 28

**I would have been on time for once but the site wouldn't allow me to upload citing an error but here is the next chapter nonetheless!**

* * *

Ethan raised his glass. "Happy Birthday, Caleb."

Ethan hadn't necessarily had any days off but he had a six-hour shift which lasted from 6 AM to 12 PM so, in a way, he could call it a day off as it wasn't full time.

Taking a long sip from his glass, he read through the post that his late brother had got for his birthday. Most were more or less referring to Ethan himself but the sentiment still mattered. They had words of condolence, regret that Cal hadn't been able to see his thirty-fifth year of life, wishes that he was enjoying himself in Heaven...

He smiled at the one from the ED. He had even got one from abroad - Max and Zoe.

 _'Stay strong, Ethan. Cal will always grow in our hearts.'_

Ethan loved his friends. This was why.

He had even got calls from distant adopted family and Lily. There were even some from university friends of both brothers.

"See how popular you still are? You're dead and you're still pulling ladies like..." he glanced down at the birthday card. "Sasha _Still got the hots for you_ Park. Sasha who you cheated on twice in uni still has the hots for you and is proud to write that even though she's been married for four years now." He chuckled. "And even Kelsey Longdale. But her birthday wishes are a bit insulting. She still hates you for cheating on her _five_ times, Cal."

Once he was done reading through the mail and placing any cash received from great aunts and uncles inside a 'Rainy Day' jar, he got ready to head out.

He was going to spend the evening at the Fairheads. Just a quiet one where they would reminisce about old times with Cal and joke about Charlie and Duffy's anniversary which was around the corner on the third of February.

Putting his jacket on, he glanced at the calendar on the wall. Right on today's date, thirtieth of January, Cal had written in big black letters 'MY BIRTHDAY! Don't forget the drinks, Ethan!'. Ethan laughed. He remembered when they had got the calendar.

It had been made by one of their patients who had been a thirteen-year-old schoolgirl who was a budding entrepreneur. She had given it to Cal on his last birthday as a gift that came with a price.

"Twelve pounds twenty-five, please." She had held her hand out.

"Jenny!" Her mother had scolded.

But Cal had laughed. And being the ever charming guy that he was, gave the young teenager a twenty-pound note and a smile. "I was going to spend that on birthday drinks but preparing for the next year seems like a good investment. I'm planning on taking my little brother away for my birthday next year."

Jenny smiled. "Mum! Dr Caleb gave me seven pounds seventy-five pounds profit!" She turned to Cal. "I hope you enjoy your birthday gift. And the one next year. Your brother is very lucky."

Ethan had glanced up from files upon hearing this and met his older brother's gaze with a bright smile.

"No, I'm lucky to have him," Cal had whispered.

Running his fingers over the printed letters, Ethan held up the wine bag he was holding.

"The drinks are not forgotten. Sorry, you didn't get any last year."

When he finally got to Charlie and Duffy's he felt even happier.

...

"Did you get home all right?" Charlie asked Ethan four days later. They had kept missing each other since then as Charlie worked earlier shifts and shorter ones and Ethan had his quarter days, half days and full days where Charlie had a couple of days off.

Ethan nodded, watching the rest of the team dispersed after his announcement. "Yeah. Went to his grave and felt so much better."

Charlie beamed. "Good. Right, let's get this full capacity situation over with."

The day had gone stressful, terrible and...

Ethan groaned, rubbing his head as he sat in his office, closing his eyes. The new F1 had caused issues and Alicia hated him.

She hated him so much.

And he thought that they were getting somewhere. Going off on holiday to two countries together, few dates here and there...

But he should have listened to her. But he had reasons not to call for more staff, to run the ED how he did.

Sighing, he opened his eyes and grabbed his iPad to check his mail. He was shocked to find one link to a report.

Opening it up, he gasped.

 ** _RAGE IN RESUS: REPORTING FROM THE FRONT LINE OF THE NHS - TIME TO SPEAK OUT by RageInResus_**

"Oh, God..." Tears sprung to his eyes. The words too cutting to the core to read. He knew the author. But he didn't know what to do next with them.

The door burst open. "Ethan? Have you read-"

"Yeah," Ethan brought his iPad up. "It even has Holby's photo on it... By tomorrow morning, a hound of reporters will be at our doors."

Charlie sighed. "I'm sure that if we find the person, we can get them to take it down. Hopefully, not many people would have-"

"It's about the NHS - an attack on the NHS. This could reach BBC news then it would be broadcasted all over the UK. There's nothing we can do Charlie but brave this out."

His friend hesitated. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Some locums are coming to relieve some of you from your duties so you can get ready to go home with Duffy. I'll soften the blow with upstairs and try shifting more beds."

Charlie shook his head. "If you're staying, we're staying too. You need someone backing your corner. You can't be blamed for anything."

Ethan took a deep breath, leaning back in his seat. "Can you give me ten minutes, please? Just to get my bearings around. No disturbances."

Charlie smiled, nodding and closed the door behind him as Ethan dug into the top drawer and took his novel that he was reading out. He got to the page he was currently out and took out the bookmark, leaving his thumb on the page to save it.

"Sorry I let you down, Cal." He sighed, looking at his brother's smiling photo. "Maybe being Clinical Lead's not all that it's cut out to be. But I'm going to brave this out. Just wait and see."


	29. Chapter 29

**To be honest, there wasn't much I could get from this episode but next week seems really good to adapt on. This is sort of late as I couldn't think of anything to write so I hope you enjoy this little filler chapter.**

* * *

Ethan dug through the boxes, smiling at each piece of memory that he took out. Although he had cleaned out most of Cal's things in his room, there were still a few things scattered around.

It was his birthday. The first one spent without Cal.

Ethan was due to get a couple of drinks with Charlie and Duffy but as he had the whole day off as planned since the previous year as he and Cal were meant to do something, Ethan decided to spend his time going through and sorting out more of his brother's things.

To be honest, it wasn't a really exciting day for him. All week, he had been speaking to the acting CEO, Serena Campbell about the article posted. Luckily, it hadn't been seen by much people but the people who would have seen it will start posting and reposting...

Smiling, he took out one of Cal's watches. It had been broken when he had got into a fight at the pub once and he had never got the time to get it repaired.

Ethan put it aside, deciding to take it to the repair shop later. He took out another object, shaking it. The snow swirled around before settling down on the ground. It was a snow globe from when he and Cal visited Switzerland when he was fourteen. He was genuinely surprised to see this, he didn't remember ever coming across it when he was clearing out the room. Maybe Charlie or Lily dealt with it.

There was a photo. It was of him, Cal and their adoptive father Daniel Hardy. Ethan hadn't heard from the man since he left when he was fifteen. Switzerland has been their last holiday as a 'family'.

He turned the photo around to check whether the exact date of when they went was on there but he was shocked to see a phone number instead. Daniel's number.

How long had Cal had this for? When did he get it?

Running his finger over his brother's writing, he contemplated calling it. His heart became louder in his ears and soon the photograph was the only thing plaguing his mind for the rest of the day. Even when he was supposed to be enjoying drinks paid for by Charlie.

He was back at work the next day, the ED becoming busier and more stressful with each passing day but he didn't mind. He kept a level head, ignored the harsh and spiteful words and most especially, the article. He still needed to talk to the person he thought posted it.

He saw them pass by, laughing with Rash. He'd hate to interrogate her but it was probably her. Bea Kinsella was new to Holby, she must have been very stressed out and with what the patient's family member had said to her on her first day... He made a mental note to check up on her as he glanced down at his newly repaired watch. He'd like to think of it as a birthday gift from Cal. It was too nice to never be worn again.

When he finally had five minutes to himself, he shut himself away in his office and drank a much-needed cup of coffee. He normally wouldn't go for coffee but he had to drink it.

The phone number stuck on his mind once again and he retrieved his mobile phone from his pocket.

Ethan didn't know what he was going to say when he dialled it but he figured the words would come. Taking the photo out of his coat pocket, he turned it over and saved the number in his phone.

But something stopped him as he went to put the photo back. He looked closer at it and noticed something. Daniel wasn't smiling. He was, Cal was and Matilda was. But not Daniel.

Sighing, Ethan returned the photo and his phone back into his pocket. _Not today, Daniel. Not today._..

When his five minutes were up, he met Bea in the staffroom alone.

"Are you doing okay in cubicles?"

With a bright smile, she nodded and replied, "Yeah. Rash is teaching me a lot. Especially about bedside manner. Both to the patient and their relative..." She glanced away, stirring her coffee.

"Good. I'm glad you're settling in and learning a lot. Hey, after last week... did you tell anybody about-"

"God, no. I'd rather forget the whole day to be honest. It's just a shame that I couldn't see the ED at its best on my first day but the place is so welcoming and amazing. Every day, you all work hard to make sure that patients are seen too even when you're faced with challenges like last week."

Ethan mentally blew a sigh of relief. _Then who wrote it_? "Good. I have to go but I'd like you to continue with cubicles. If you need anything, just ask. I'm even sure Rash will lead the way."

"Thank you, Dr Hardy."

"You're welcome. Oh, and welcome to Holby City Hospital. Good luck too because you're going to need it. Make this your official welcome, last week is today's reset." Ethan smiled before leaving.

It was time to play detective now.


	30. Chapter 30

**Another filler chapter. I'm sorry for the long delay, I had such a busy week that I couldn't even think about updating this story. Especially as I wrote so many essays that I had writer's block by the end of the week. As an apology for missing last Saturday, I will hopefully be able to upload another chapter after today's episode or tomorrow. If not, it will be up by Monday latest.**

* * *

"Come in,"

The door opened and Jacob entered with Gemma 'Gem' Dean.

"Ethan, I'd like to introduce you to our new porter, Gem Dean."

Ethan looked up and raised his eyebrows.

"Gem." His pager beeped and he looked down. "Uh, I have to go. Meeting. But, uh, welcome to Holby."

Gem frowned. "So, you're not like mad that I..."

"It's all in the past. Lily is happy now and well, she would have told you to move on too if she was still here." He stood up and passed her, briefly shaking her hand before buttoning his suit jacket and heading upstairs.

He met Jac Naylor in front of the door.

"Your first Heads of Departments meeting."

"Yeah."

"How do you feel?"

Ethan chuckled lightly. "A bit nervous but I'll be fine. I'm trying to pass a couple of things through but they're not exactly popular ideas."

"That's what being Clinical Lead means, Ethan. Not always being popular. I heard that we have patients who are apprehensive about coming here. Because of your ED."

"We are dealing with that."

"Is that right?" Jac chuckled. "How about I scratch your back and you scratch mine?"

"Meaning?"

"You bring me patients to treat and I help you get rid of them."

Ethan smiled. "Oh, okay. Yeah."

The door opened and Jac gestured for him to enter.

"You first," she said.

"Thank you."

...

"...I mean, the CDU hasn't worked and-"

"So, you think that you know better than Mrs Beauchamp?" Jacob asked. "You do realise that there would be much resistance to what you're proposing, right?"

"I know but I believe that we can make this work."

Jacob scoffed. "And what about the ones before you? They believed the same thing and it failed. All those times! What makes you different?"

"Nothing but we can try, try again. We can make this work and I'll put the junior doctors in charge of it so the remaining of us can deal with the majorly critically ill patients-"

"You better be right about this otherwise it will fall on your head, and yours only." Jacob left, shaking his head.

Ethan blew a puff of air out before taking his phone out and texting someone. He just hoped that they were available for a quick chat for advice.

At the end of the day, Ethan was even more worried about what the next article would say.

He closed his eyes and inhaled the cold, night's air before his silence was disturbed by heels stepping on metal.

"Hey, you alright?"

Ethan turned to face her and shook his head. "I wonder what _Rage in Resus_ is going to say next."

"What do you mean?"

"It seems as if everything they're writing is directed at me. This started when I took over in charge and it seems as if they're critically undermining me and-"

"It seems like it's just an attack on the ED, not you." Alicia chuckled lightly. "You're reading too much into this. You're under so much pressure."

Ethan sighed. "It seems as if we'll never get out of this hole."

"We get bad days, Ethan. We will get out of this hole."

"Bad days, bad weeks, bad months..." Ethan trailed off, shaking his head,

"Tomorrow is another day, Ethan."

"For some of us." He looked up at the sky, hoping to find that shining star. "But right now, it seems as if it's one long continuous nightmare."

When he got home, his phone finally rang and he quickly answered it.

"Lily!"

 _"Hello, Ethan. You sound desperate. Is everything okay?"_

Ethan sighed. "I've had a terrible past couple of weeks, I just needed some advice to keep me going. I was hoping you were the best person to give me some."

He heard her soft chuckle and smiled at the sound.

 _"Clinical Lead already giving you a headache? Same here. But you got to remember, always do what's best for the ED. Not yourself, not the staff and especially not the wards upstairs. You and only you know what's happening in the ED and you would want to fix everything but it will take time. When I became Head of Department over here, everything was in shambles from the last Head but as a team, we are slowly getting there. Just like you would. I know everything will be revolving around budgeting and capacities but you will make it work. Just like I am currently doing. Just be glad that you don't have a baby pushing down on your bladder every goddamn minute. Oh and Ethan? It's okay to fail sometimes. It's getting up that will be hard but worthwhile."_

Ethan took a deep sigh of relief. "You don't know how much you've just helped me. Just hearing that..."

 _"I know about the article. I've been talking to Connie about it. Forget about that, okay? Focus on the ED and what is best for it."_

"Okay, enough about work. How's the baby?"

He heard her take a deep intake of breath before she started giggling happily.

 _Lily Chao giggling?_

"Lily is everything-"

 _"Everything is wonderful, Ethan. I went for my scan the other day... I'm expecting twins. I'm not sure if that's good news that you need but-"_

"Oh, Lily Chao, you beautiful and wonderful person! I'm happy for you. But isn't that going to be too much?"

He heard her scoff. _"You bet but I can't wait. I'm keeping the genders a secret but I'm just so glad that I'm having two children. The prospect that I might never have kids scared me but now, I'm having two for the price of one. Can you believe that?"_

"No, I can't. I wish I could come and see you but with both our busy schedules... I'm happy for you."

 _"Thank you."_

He could hear the happiness in her voice and he wondered if she was wearing a big grin.

"Does Alicia 'the fairy godmother' know?"

 _"I haven't really told anyone yet. But since you needed the news, I told you first."_

"Now that you're over half-way in this pregnancy... I was wondering if you'd tell Iain."

He heard her sigh. _"You're right. I'll make some time but with everything that's going on... I doubt it. I have to go, I have to work but thanks for the call."_

"Should be me thanking you. For the advice, the lovely chat, the news... Go on. I'll call you soon."

After they hung up, Ethan decided to celebrate with just one glass of red wine. He needed it.


	31. Chapter 31

**Wow, it's been over eight months since I started this story. Updating every Saturday is a commitment! Here's the past Saturday's episode chapter which I missed and it's a filler. Enjoy and sorry it's late! :)**

* * *

Ethan pressed the top of the dispenser and the soap squirted into his hands, allowing him to wipe it thoroughly as he walked over to Connie.

"You did this?"

"Well, I did it for you."

Ethan sighed. "I can handle things in the ED, Mrs Beauchamp. I'm not sure if you realise this but I am Acting Clinical Lead whilst _you_ are supposed to be recovering. Please, just let me do my job."

"Properly. Until then, get used to my input. I want my ED to be exactly as I left it when I return, Dr Hardy. No surprises."

Ethan opened his mouth to say something more but instead shook his head and left, feeling more disheartened than before.

At least his colleagues were getting used to the idea of his leadership choices.

By the end of the shift, he was sure that everyone hated him. If they hadn't already before.

He had decided to scrap the CDU idea and instead get rid of locums and agency staff.

He certainly was not popular.

And he was sure that Alicia hated him.

 _"Hello?"_

"Tell me some good news."

Lily sighed. _"What happened, Ethan?"_

"I scrapped the CDU idea and let go of agency and locum staff."

Lily groaned. _"I gave you some advice to do what's best for the ED. Not create enemies, Ethan..."_ Lily sighed softly. _"But if you believe that what you've done is best for the ED then I guess the staff have no reason but to support you but this will cause a lot of backlashes, Ethan. I know why people aren't going to be happy with the idea."_

Ethan took his tablet out, logging in. "I'm just wondering what _Rage in Resus_ has to say about this."

 _"Forget that person. They do not understand the stress of being a Head of a department They do not understand how the system works. Do you even know who wrote it?"_

"No. I don't." He opened up the article to see that it hadn't been updated.

 _"Well, I'm sure you'll find out who it is sooner rather than later."_

Ethan smiled softly. "Thanks. Anyway, good news?"

 _"I felt the babies kick but they've been doing that for a while. Oh, I've called Iain. I've told him that I'd like to Skype him sometime, talk things out. See how he is and how he's doing."_

"Do you know that Gem's working as a porter here at Holby now?"

 _"Is she? How is she doing? Is she settling in well?"_

Ethan raised his eyebrows. "Slow down. I haven't really focused on her, Jacob has. I'm sure that she is doing well though."

Lily hummed. _"Well, I was planning to call her. I haven't since..."_

"Don't think about that. Don't think about that day overall. You're alive, Lily and you're going to be a mother. You don't need upset nor stress right now. Let me tell you what, I will personally see to it that Gem excels in her new position and when you're definitely ready, you can give her a call."

 _"Yeah, you're right. There's no reason to add more stress to my life now, right? I, uh, I have to go but I'll be-be free during the weekend."_

"Lily? Are you alright?"

He heard her whine a little and groan.

"Lily?"

 _"I've been getting these horrible cramps. It's just Braxton Hicks, I'll be fine."_

"Just get yourself checked out, yeah? I will let you go then."

 _"Hmm. Bye."_ He could tell that she wasn't all there.

But he smiled anyway at her absentmindedness. "Bye, Lily."

As he hung up and put his phone in his pocket, someone knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Alicia walked in, a frown etched on her face. She wasn't dressed in her scrubs.

"Alicia-Dr Munroe, why aren't you-?"

"I'm going, Ethan. To my dad's sixtieth. And you can't stop me. This was just a formal announcement in the case of the fire alarm going off and you couldn't find me. This is important and I am not letting your bad decisions get in the way of our colleagues' personal lives. Most of them have children, Ethan. Who's going to drop them off at school or pick them up? They can't rely on childcare all the time. Just think about that. Think of all those children that you're preventing their parents from getting close to them."

She left, slamming the door behind her as she daren't look back. If she did, she'd be convinced to stay.


	32. Chapter 32

**Sorry that this is late. There's not much to go on as the episodes are focusing on Ethan becoming public enemy number one with the staff and the article storyline and it is becoming repetitive especially as Ethan is sometimes not the main character of the episodes. So, what do you guys want to read which fits into both storylines from this story and the actual show? Let me know and we'll get this story back up without filler chapters every time :) Ooh and can anyone wait until Ethan finds out about Alicia's treachery or the first year anniversary of Cal's death? Anyway, enough chit chat, onto the chapter!**

* * *

Ethan was stressed out.

He had managed to narrow down the list of suspects that wrote the article. With the people from upstairs breathing down his back and Jac's condescending quips and comments partnered with Connie's interfering actions, Ethan almost couldn't take it anymore.

But he wasn't going to give up like Dylan did.

He glanced at the pool of suspects that he wrote. Some of them had been taken off but put back on as he had wanted to make sure.

 _Alicia_

 _Jacob_

 _Bea_

 _Duffy_

 _Charlie_

 _Louise_

 _Robyn_

 _Noel_

Well, the last name was a long shot but you never knew. Although Noel didn't work in Resus, he still could obtain knowledge from a colleague.

 _No, that's stupid thinking, Ethan..._ he thought to himself.

Again, he crossed Noel's name from the list and circled Louise's, Jacob's and Bea's. They were next as they were currently working and he might see the others later on.

Ethan glanced up when there was a knock on the door and he saw that it was Bea.

"Come in," he called out. "What is it, Dr Kinsella?"

Bea stepped in, closing the door behind her as she stepped forward. "Why do I have to do the distal radius and ulnar fracture? Let me rephrase that so I don't sound like a brat. I just wanted to ask if I could have some more interesting patients sometimes, please. I mean, I'm up to my eyeballs in minors with sprains and suturing..."

Ethan sighed, switching his computer screen off. "We have to take our patients as they come. That's the only way that this new regime can work, Dr Kinsella."

Bea pursed her lips then gave him a small smile. "I became an ED doctor because I can be interested in the first hour of just about anything. But I mean, that porphyria case - how many times in my career am I going to get another chance like that?"

Ethan turned his screen back on with a frown as his other hand shielded the list from view.

 _Active from 03/02/18._

"How long have you been with us now, Dr Kinsella?"

Bea frowned. "Four weeks, I guess? I began on the third of February."

"Are you enjoying your job here at Holby?" Ethan asked.

Bea raised her eyebrows. "Yes, of course."

"The NHS can be a very stressful place to work in. You can see that from Rage and Resus' blog to understand that. There is a junior doctor out there that is very unhappy with their job."

Dr Kinsella blinked, mildly surprised. "I haven't seen that, to be honest."

"Ok. I can understand where your frustration is coming from. And to be honest, my own job is similar to that of yours when it comes to treating patients either in Resus or in cubicles. We treat them, we discharge or send them for further specialist care..." He paused. He thought he saw something in her eyes.

"Dr Hardy-"

"We're starting to fill up so if you don't mind, I'd appreciate if you got back out there, please.

Bea sighed. She knew she'd get nowhere with him anymore. "Yes, Dr Hardy."

After she left, Ethan wrote the date she started at the ED by her name and the date the article became active. _Suspect number one_.

He knew he shouldn't have ruled her out earlier on but there was still one more way to see if she was truly suspect number one nearing the end of her shift.

He met her in the staffroom and asked if he could have a quick word to which she obliged although there was a slight annoyance in her voice.

"I see that you have treated a lot of patients today."

"Well, that is what you did tell me to do," she shrugged.

Ethan nodded. "Yeah. And I understand that orthopaedics have cleared one of your patients of spinal injury."

Bea smiled softly. "Yeah, she'll likely make a full recovery if her femur heals properly."

"How would you feel if she'd been paralysed because you decided to log roll?"

Bea sighed. "She'd be a lot more _dead_ than paralysed if I had left her to choke to her death."

"I just need to be sure that you can handle whatever is thrown at you."

Frustration peaked in Bea as she tried not to shout. "I can... and-and I did. Excuse me, Dr Hardy," she called out once she saw that his attention was now elsewhere. "I know that you have a lot more experience than me, but I haven't exactly felt supported by my clinical lead today. Yeah, I made a risky call in Amber's case but I made my decision and I made it fast and ultimately, it turned out to be the right one. Oh, and just because I was reading the blog does _not_ mean that I wrote it." She raised her eyebrow. "Or even endorse it, or anything else. There is not a law to say that I can't read it, is there?"

"No-"

Bea continued. "Sure, the NHS has its faults, but I just thought, that after today you would see the commitment that _I_ make to it."

"A-And I did. I do."

He could cross her off as suspect number one now or even a suspect to begin with. His first impressions were correct.

"Which is why I've recommended you for a major trauma course," He said to her.

Bea was shocked. "Oh..."

"And until then, please try not to treat every patient that comes through our doors single-handedly."

Bea grinned. "Noted! T-Thank you so much. Oh, and I'm sure you're awesome at your job..."

He let her leave, a small smile gracing his face. He was like her once. Fresh out of university with big hopes and dreams and excitement pouring out every single part of him no matter what case he was given. He knew Lily would have puked at the overexcitement. She was more of the reserved type.

 _Definitely not the writer._

He took a long sigh, sitting down and crossing her name off. _Then who is?_


	33. Chapter 33

**Oh, my goodness, a good episode to work on! Just a quick note. I may start updating on Sundays and Mondays to properly work on chapters from now on. Also, I loved your reviews, some even gave me some good ideas on how to progress with chapters.**

* * *

It had been a horrible shift. It started with his job being under threat and ending up at the nearest job centre and ended with a loss of a friendship.

Ethan couldn't wait to get home.

But there was one place he had to go first.

"Hmm, Dr Hardy."

"Mrs Beauchamp," he greeted.

Connie closed her magazine and turned to give him her full attention. "I heard from Jac that you have put this disgruntled irrelevant being to rest."

He nodded. "It wasn't easy."

"Can I have their name? I'd personally like to hear what they think about _my_ ED."

"Just as I told Ms Naylor, their anonymity is assurance that the blog stays quiet." Ethan sighed. "But just know that they won't be posting anything more."

Connie smiled. "Good. I wouldn't want that bad PR on my back when I return in due time."

"I assure you that everything is as it should be for when you return."

"Good. Go home, Dr Hardy. Enjoy your evening, you deserve it."

Ethan took a sharp intake of breath as he pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

"I deserve it? I almost lost my job because of someone else's displeasure with their job. The least the ED can do is give me a full day of rest."

Connie raised her eyebrow. "I'll put in a word-"

"No, don't." Ethan sighed, opening his eyes. "I just need some sleep. I'll be better and more prepared for my next shift. Have a nice remainder of your day, Mrs Beauchamp."

He left, feeling weaker and sadder with every step.

When he got home, he noticed that he had a couple of missed calls. They were all from Lily.

Grabbing a glass from the cupboard and his unopened wine from the fridge, he poured himself a glass and sat down on the sofa before calling her back.

"Hi, Lily. I saw your missed calls. Is everything okay?"

 _"Yeah. I wanted to ask you that. Connie called to tell me of your success in working out who the blogger was."_

"Oh. Uh, yeah. I-I figured it out and everything is all sorted. I even managed to negotiate locum staff and leave."

 _"That's great, Ethan."_

He smiled softly. "Yeah. Maybe I can start gaining respect now. I'd rather have friends and people who want to work with me than enemies."

 _"Exactly."_

"Hey, how are you doing? You ended our last conversation abruptly."

Lily smiled. _"I'm wonderful. As I said, it was just false contractions, I'm fine. I Skyped Iain a couple of times during the week. I didn't have the heart to show him... or even tell him."_

Ethan sighed. "Why not, Lily? You're what? Five-six months along, now? Soon, you'll be in labour and he won't find out until the last minute."

 _"That's the problem, Ethan. What if he doesn't want to know? He seems as if he's moved on-"_

"It's his children, you can't prevent him from knowing them."

 _"That's another problem. I-I don't exactly still know..."_

Ethan frowned. "Or you do. Lily, don't live in a lie and drag us all down. It will be better for us to stop lying to each other. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to tell Iain but I'm thankful that we barely even see each other to let anything slip."

 _"I'll do it in my own time. I wasn't even meant to tell you but you came and ruined it all. Just... let me do this how I want to. A part of me wants to surprise him but another part wants me to let him go."_

"Okay. I won't stress you on the matter any further but promise me that you'll find out or if you do, tell us."

 _"Fine. Can we talk about something else?"_

Ethan smiled. "So, how about that new movie that came out?"

 _"Which one?"_

"Are you serious?"

He heard her laugh. _"Of course not! I watched it the other day and it was amazing..."_

...

Ethan looked up in time to see Dylan walk past the office, heading to Louise.

"Dr Keogh, a moment of your time please."

He headed back into the office and waited as he continued to read through files and other bits of paperwork.

He heard someone enter and the door close.

"Dr Hardy, how may I be of assistance?" Dylan asked with a roll of his eyes.

Ethan gestured to the chair. "Have a seat, please."

"Oh, thank you(!)" Dylan replied, sitting down. "May I ask what this is about? I have a job that needs doing."

"Of course." Ethan smiled. He had to be patient. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. I haven't been able to ask since you returned."

Dylan raised his eyebrows. "I'm doing well. Is that all you wanted to know? Can I go now?"

Ethan stopped him, slightly raising his hand. "It has come to my attention that you...-"

Dylan sighed. "If this is about my alcoholism, it is being handled. I am attending AA meetings. Not that it is any of your business or anyone else's. Especially Dr Kinsella whom I presume told you?"

"I want you to know that you have our full support and if you ever want to talk then my door's open."

Dylan scoffed. "I doubt anyone would want to talk to you. Now, if you'd excuse me, I have a job to be getting on with."

"Dylan," Ethan called out as Dylan reached the door. "This isn't an intervention."

"Oh, really? Then what is this?"

"Support. A-And I guess my way of thanking you. F-For doing all you could for Cal."

Dylan's hand gripped tightly on the door handle. He was almost sure he'd break it off. "I didn't save his life."

"No, you didn't. And I shouldn't have treated you how I did back then-"

"You were grieving."

"I was. And you did all you could for him. What I'm trying to say is, you are a good doctor. Don't let the alcohol affect that. I almost did after Cal's death but I realised, work was a better distraction. Keep up the good effort."

Dylan kept silent and decided to leave, closing the door gentler than he had opened it in the first place.

He felt a little lighter.


	34. Chapter 34

**Here's a chapter between Ethan and Dylan as you guys liked the previous one. They delve into each other's lives a little.**

* * *

"You look like you could, uh, do with a drink?"

Ethan looked up from the computer to see Dylan standing by the door, his jacket on and bag in his hand as he was ready to leave.

"It doesn't have to be alcohol. A drink of any sort, really." Dylan continued. "Well?"

"Yeah, sure. Just give me a minute to log out. I'll meet you at the pub in a couple of minutes."

Dylan gave him a short nod and left, leaving Ethan to stare at the empty space in slight shock.

He knew that Dylan wasn't one for courtesy or even emotional talks over beers but something told him that if everyone else was avoiding him, he could do with one friend.

Ethan quickly finished what he was doing and left, locking the door behind him and bidding goodnight to Charlie and Duffy before heading straight to the pub to meet Dylan.

He found him at a side table, near the window and joined him, sitting in front of him.

"Did you order?"

"No. I was waiting. If it's all right with you, I'd like just a lemon and water."

Ethan nodded and stood up. "I've got this round." He headed to the bar and smiled once the bartender joined him. "A lemon and water and a red wine, please."

The bartender nodded and handed him the drinks soon after, allowing Ethan to return to his and Dylan's table with Dylan's water.

"Here you go."

"Hmm, thanks." Dylan took a sip. "How was your shift?"

"It was not too bad."

Dylan raised an eyebrow. "I could cut the tension with a knife."

"So can I," Ethan chuckled lightly. "I just don't feel very supported by my colleagues." He remembered Bea saying the same of him.

"Others could argue that. I wonder why."

"Somehow, your sarcasm is what I need right now."

Dylan was shocked. "Really? Why?"

"Lily would have said the same. I always call her when I need a good telling off from. Or for advice."

Dylan nodded. "Ah, yes. Our former uptight doctor. And I thought that _I_ was the uptight one. How is Dr Chao doing?"

"She's Head of Department in Hong Kong's version of the ED. She's really happy."

"I could imagine," Dylan scoffed. "A hefty pay rise and a chance to speak your native language and not face racial discrimination? I would be happy there if I was her too."

Ethan laughed softly. "She has managed to keep her ED running above water though. And is loved by her colleagues."

"Just because people do not believe in your methods or why you have to do them, does not mean they tolerate you less." Dylan took a short sip from his glass. "It will be difficult gaining the respect back but you had your reasons. Just as I did when I resigned immediately from the post. It is not easy at all, being Clinical Lead. I'm sure Connie can agree."

"But she lives and breathes it. She even culled me upstairs to see her to ask about _her_ ED and whether I've destroyed it upon her return."

Dylan smiled a little. "Connie Beauchamp would die running the ED rather than give it up willingly. Maybe that is why I hold respect towards her. Her methods might be unorthodox but her determination to keep the ED afloat is honourable."

"It is although I wish she would stop undermining me. There was a reason that I was made Clinical Lead."

"And it wasn't your skills of gaining many enemies within a week."

Ethan scoffed. "It wasn't, no." He took a sip of his wine and relished the taste.

"That's how it starts. Be careful."

"I get that enough from Lily."

Dylan hummed. "It seems as if she still cares about you." He sipped his water. "Mind you, she and Iain did make a nice couple but I always thought she would end up with someone more her..."

"Level? Profession?" Ethan guessed. "Just like the rest of her family. But we would never have worked."

Ethan didn't know why he was speaking to Dylan about such a personal matter. The both of them bathed in professionalism, their life out of the hospital rarely spoken or shown about.

"Why not?"

"We're too alike," Ethan smiled gently. "Way alike."

Dylan frowned. "In what way? Other than your jobs and abilities to work hard for what you want."

"On a personal matter. Like-minded, same goals and aspirations. We would have destroyed each other trying to top the other, I guess."

"And that is bad how? Compare her to Dr Munroe."

Ethan's eyes darkened. "I'd rather not."

"No," Dylan shook his head. "Come on. Compare Dr Chao and Dr Munroe. Both of them are hard working women in their fields and they have the same job as you. What is different about them? To an outsider, it's literally nothing. So, why would you date one and not the other?"

Ethan was stunned. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times as he dwelled on what Dylan was saying.

There _were_ differences between Alicia and Lily but in a way, both thought the same as him.

"I guess," he started. "Personalities come into play. Lily was- _is_ high strung. Alicia... well, she isn't."

"So, Dr Chao would have destroyed you rather than you both destroying each other. Let me understand this." Dylan cleared his throat. "Lily's strict background is different to that of yours and Alicia. But back to the question at hand, are they different or not?"

"No," Ethan answered. "They are not but their personalities and shaping make them different. So, I think I prefer the laid back type rather than the high strung one."

Dylan nodded. "Okay. But would you have gone out with Dr Chao?"

"If circumstances were different and well if she was more... fun?"

"Iain succeeded in making her more 'fun' as you put it. Now that she's less with a stick up her behind, would you?"

"Yeah. But I don't like her that way. We're better off as friends if that's where you were going with this whole... thing."

Dylan smiled but he didn't let it show as he masked it with his drink. "I can see the tension between you and Dr Munroe. I believe you should make up."

"Why don't you do the same with Sam?"

Now, the tables were turned. Hard.

Dylan's eyes flashed with something Ethan didn't recognise but he kept quiet and slowly sipped his water, watching Ethan's lips bend into a frown.

"Did I hit a soft spot?"

"No. You didn't. Sam and I... well, we can never go back there."

"Did you love her?"

"Did she love me, is the question."

"Iain."

Dylan nodded. "Hmm. But our marriage was falling apart long before Iain Dean came onto the scene. But however confusing as this may sound, I'm glad Iain found Lily."

Ethan smiled softly. "Because there's a chance there with Sam?"

"No. Because Iain fell in love too hard with her to not think about cheating on her."

Something shifted inside Ethan as he swirled his red wine around and nodded slowly.

"No one deserves to be cheated on," Dylan continued. "You and Alicia hurt Caleb and after all of that, you're giving up? Then, what was the point? Hurt Cal and end up lonely regardless?"

"You won't understand, Dylan. Alicia and I... as you and Sam, we're way past going back. After fighting to get together, even after Cal giving us the okay before he died... things kept happening that pulled us further apart."

"Now, you understand what I'm going through with Sam. Things happen, words are said and well, they're irreversible." He finished his water and laid out a five-pound note in front of Ethan. "I should have paid for this round as I'm not going to be the one drowning my sorrows after this. Have a good night, Dr Hardy."

Dylan stood up, collected his bag and left into the cold night's air as it began to snow.

Ethan pocketed the money and made a mental note to give it back during their next shift together. He stood up and ordered a Scotch.

"Actually, make that two Vodka shots."

 _Be more Cal,_ it was tonight. He really needed to be more Cal.


	35. Chapter 35

**I was very happy to read all your reviews on the scene between Ethan and Dylan that I did so as I couldn't get anything much from last week's episode which was Robyn and Glen's wedding, I decided to give you more on the Lily, Ethan and Dylan aspects of my story. Enjoy :) Oh, and you guys are right. Dylan needs more scenes :)**

* * *

Dylan was surprised. He was sure that after their last drink together, Ethan wouldn't want to go out for another drink anytime sooner.

But he had accepted the invite.

"Okay, let's head to the pub." He said.

Ethan smiled and led the way as the light became darker as he realised that it was pretty late at night. He had pulled a whole day shift and was glad the claustrophobic building was now becoming a bit smaller behind his back as he reached the pub doors and opened it for himself and Dylan.

They sat at the same table as last time, by the window and this time, Dylan had gone to order their drinks with the fiver he got back from Ethan.

"Thanks," Ethan said, sipping his beer.

"Yeah, no problem," Dylan replied, taking a sip of his water.

"How many days now?"

Dylan raised his eyebrows. "Didn't know you cared."

"I don't. Not that I don't care... I mean, it is just something one would ask out of courtesy, right? Or do the AA not do that?" Ethan asked.

"I guess. Sobriety is not that easy but I am getting by."

"Good."

They settled into an awkward silence.

Ethan found it too uncomfortable so forced himself to restart the short-lived conversation up again.

They weren't even friends, right?

"So, Mrs Beauchamp is now home and recovering."

"I heard. She still hasn't told Grace."

"Would you, if you had children?"

Dylan frowned. "Yes. Children are said to be resilient, aren't they? Lying to them or keeping things from them will be worse than telling them. At least then, they can prepare."

"Well, you have to think about their age."

"I believe so. I wouldn't tell a ten-year-old but a teenager would understand." Dylan agreed. "What about you? Would you tell your children if you had a degenerative disease?"

Ethan paused.

"Such as a hereditary one or even cancer," Dylan continued.

Ethan took a large gulp of his beer. "I don't know. If they were affected then yes, no matter how old they were. But if it was too early, even in their teenage years, then no. I'd rather them live a full life than one worrying when the day would come where everything would change and never be the same."

"Do you want children?" Dylan asked.

"Do you?" Ethan retorted.

Dylan laughed sarcastically. "Me? Be a father? Well, I guess I am a father in a way. I have Dervla."

Ethan chuckled. "Other than a canine pet, any human children passed your mind?"

"Well, when Sam and I got married in Vegas-"

"You got married in Las Vegas? Did an Elvis impersonator marry you?" Ethan asked, his eyebrows raised in shock.

Dylan frowned. "What? I can't remember. Anyway, when we'd got married, we'd talk about having two children but that never happened and well, we're definitely not together today."

"How about in the future? Not with Sam obviously but with a future partner."

"I'm getting older, I'm not willing to chase a toddler around. Especially on my boat."

"Adopting? As a single parent?"

Dylan groaned. "Even worse. It would take ages to build a relationship whereas your own child is forced to love you because you share the same blood. I don't think I'd be willing to be patient to get a child to tolerate me when I barely tolerate them as a whole. I'm not a children person. Hey, when did the tables turn? You do this a lot."

Ethan chuckled, raising his hands. "Okay, okay. I'll answer. Yes, I want children. I think they're the answer to everything bad and well, who's going to look after you when you're old and grey?"

"True but I have my half-sister."

"Your future's safe, then."

"Well, how many children would you want?"

Ethan smiled softly, settling back into his chair. "To be honest, three. But two is perfect as well. A girl and a boy. Preferably twins as I can handle them at the same time and not worry about changing nappies a couple years later."

"You're smiling as if you have children already. Don't tell me you're fantasising about the prospect right now over beers and water?"

Ethan blushed, sipping his beer. "I-I don't have kids. I'd like to but I have to find the right partner."

"Or you could adopt."

"Or I could adopt."

"Right, I see they're playing darts over there and as I've been sipping on lukewarm water all night, I think my precision's pretty good."

Ethan smiled and stood up with Dylan, deciding to end their pub night on an accurate note.

When he got home, his phone began to ring.

 _I swear you're psychic, Lily Chao_ , he thought to himself as he answered the call.

"Lily, how is it going?"

He heard her sniffle. _"I did it. I told Iain. Well, I showed him and he didn't take it well. He was mad that I kept it from him and next thing I know, the video call's cut off."_ She sniffled again. _"What am I going to do? I didn't even get a chance to tell him that he might not even be the father."_

"Okay, Lily. Calm down. I'm sure he'll just sleep it off and call you when he's calmer and more understanding. I'm proud of you for doing this."

 _"Yeah, just be glad that I didn't get to tell him about you and me... I don't think I can tell him yet if he reacted like this."_

"Tell him the truth. We'll handle it."

Lily sighed. _"What if you and he get into a confrontation? I technically cheated on him-"_

"He made you question your relationship when he took Sam's side. It's not your fault, Lily. Don't stress yourself out, you're pregnant."

 _"I get that enough at work."_ She chuckled softly. _"You're right."_

Ethan smiled. "I know I am. Hey, guess what Dylan and I spoke about over drinks."

 _"What?"_

"Children. Dylan Keogh wants children."

 _"I never would have thought. How about you? Do you want children?"_ She asked him.

He sat down. "I guess. If they do turn out to be mine, I promise that I'll be the best father they can ever imagine having-"

 _"What if one of them has your Huntington's gene, Ethan?"_ Lily asked quietly. _"I don't mean to be a downer or break your heat but I am kind of hoping they're Iain's."_

It stung. But Ethan wasn't going to break her heart too.

"No, it's fine. I understand. If they _are_ mine and one has my faulty gene then I'll be by your side and their side every step of the way. As much as I can."

 _"Even if I plan to live in Hong Kong forever and never come back to the UK or Holby?"_

Ethan bit his lip. How could he answer?

To be honest, Holby held too many ghosts who broke his heart every other month and he wasn't that favoured at work at the moment. But it was still home. Hong Kong was another country, a whole new language and hospital protocols... They were another thing entirely. How could he treat patients? In English or Mandarin? Or even another language?

"If they are mine then nothing in Holby would be holding me back, not even my job. I'd leave it all in a heartbeat to co-parent with you."

He heard her cry softly and he wanted nothing more than to give her a little cuddle to lift her spirits.

 _"You've always been the sweeter one out of us, Ethan Hardy. I wouldn't let you do that. You're my best friend and I love you too much to get you to do that. Even if they're yours, we'll make it work without you having to leave it all behind you. We're too smart not to."_

Ethan smiled. "Well, I should let you get off-"

 _"Actually, I have a couple of days off. I fainted at work."_

"You what?" He exclaimed worriedly.

 _"It wasn't serious."_

"It better not have been. Tell me everything."

And he spent the rest of the early morning speaking with his best friend.


	36. Chapter 36

"Fancy seeing you here in the early hours of the morning."

Dylan looked up as he nursed a cup of Whiskey. He grunted and nodded his head for Ethan to join him.

"How did you get them to let you in?"

Dylan scoffed. "How did you?"

"Said that I just really needed a drink. After everything that happened today. Robyn losing Glen... How do you feel about that, by the way? I know you two weren't close but you still helped him."

"I don't know how I feel, Ethan. I guess I feel guilty. For not doing more. For not being able to do more." Dylan sighed. "At the end, it was about giving him the best quality of life, even if it meant breaking his wife and daughter's hearts."

Ethan nodded. "He was a good man." He sipped his beer. "Shall we toast?"

Dylan raised his glass. "To Glen, for being a better husband than I ever was."

Ethan raised his own glass and eyebrow. "To Glen," he repeated, not pushing it further. "Was your alcoholism the cause of your marriage breakdown with Sam?"

"No. There were other factors but it wasn't entirely my fault. What has she got to do with my drinking?"

Ethan shrugged. "Nothing, I guess. But you do need to get to the bottom of it. Maybe it would help."

"Humph," Dylan grunted out. "I don't need to get to the bottom of anything."

"Sure," Ethan frowned. "How are your AA meetings? Are you coping with work?"

"Fine and fine. I didn't come here for a therapist session. I came for a drink and to toast a good man gone." Dylan finished his glass, immediately ordering another one.

Ethan pushed his own glass away. "I am here, you know. I know that everyone knows about your drinking but that doesn't take away the fact that you are an excellent doctor, regardless of your personal issues."

Dylan raised his eyebrow. "Hmm. Goodnight, Dr Hardy."

Ethan stood up. "I am here. Night, Dylan."

When he got home, he slipped his phone out of his pocket to see that he had only seven percent left of his battery life.

Skype it was then.

"Hey, Lily."

 _"Hi. I heard. From Alicia."_

Ethan sighed. "We did all we could."

 _"Robyn finally had her happily ever after and it was taken away so suddenly. I can't ever imagine having to live like that."_ Lily sniffled.

Ethan smiled softly. "Are you crying?"

 _"These goddamn hormones, Dr Hardy. You might even say the wrong thing to set me off and I'd be there, ready to give you a punch to the nose."_

"Ouch. That bad?"

 _"I watched a horror movie the other night and I_ cried _."_

Ethan laughed. "Oh, I haven't heard of that one yet! So, how are you? The twins?"

Lily nodded. _"We're fine. Twenty-six bloody weeks now... God, it's going so quickly."_

"How did Iain take it? After you called back?"

 _"Better. But I haven't told him about us. I might do but I had to make sure that he was calm about things first."_ She sighed. _"I've never been so stressed about anything in my life."_

"Don't be. Just relax and everything will fall into place. I'm sorry you're going through this. If it wasn't for me-"

 _"Don't blame yourself,"_ Lily frowned. _"This was on me. All on me. I decided to keep it from him and I decided to take things further with you..."_ She trailed off, blushing. _"Either way, don't blame yourself. Hey, have you been drinking?"_

Ethan raised his eyebrows. "How...? Can you smell through screens now?"

Lily chuckled. _"That and there's a stain on your collar. And you seem a bit out of it."_

"Yeah. Dylan and I had a drink in Glen's honour. I've only just got home after a long shift."

 _"And you Skyped me? Go on, go to bed."_

"I'm not tired. I rather cherish the moments we get to talk because anything can happen tomorrow. Or today in your case."

Lily smiled softly, placing her hands on her bump. _"I get scared sometimes. That one of them or both of them aren't breathing. I feel butterflies but they rarely kick me. If they do, I don't realise or feel it."_

"They're probably already starting their sibling rivalry by kicking each other rather than you." Ethan smiled. "Don't worry about it but if you are really fearful then check with your doctor."

 _"I will."_

"Now, what did you eat for dinner? I don't even think I've had time to eat mine..."

He heard her soft chuckle. _"Well, I do have some orange chicken stored in the fridge which I'd like to get my hands on right now..."_

Ethan gasped. "How could you?" He smiled. "Homemade or takeaway?"

 _"Would it hurt even more if I told you it was homemade? By my mother no less."_

"I stopped by your family's restaurant just for the orange chicken. You are hurting my stomach right now, Dr Chao and unfortunately, it's too late to even order a takeaway."

 _"That is why I'm almost glad my mother is here. She turned up unannounced. But she didn't say anything negative about the pregnancy but I could tell she was dying to know who the father was. I know she'd rather prefer you."_

Ethan blushed. "Because of my gorgeous blonde locks and blue eyes?"

Lily rolled her eyes. _"More like your profession. She'd rather I have a doctor's children than a paramedic's but she doesn't understand true love. Just convenience."_

"What about marriage? Was she upset that you weren't married before the kids part?" He asked.

She nodded. _"I can see it in her eyes. The slight disappointment laced with a little disgust and maybe embarrassment. I'm a shame to the family but I guess, I'm all she has left. She's all I have left as much as I hate to say."_

"You have me," Ethan cut in.

Lily smiled gratefully. _"I know. Thank you."_ She turned around when someone passed behind her back. She turned to face the screen. _"She's gone out to meet someone. I know she'll be talking about me to them. If only I'd married a doctor and had his children, none of the shame and embarrassment would be showing. But I'm Lily Chao and I make my own way and rules."_

"Tell her that. Let her know. Let her know how much you love Iain and how you're happy to have his children-"

It was a whisper but he could hear it clearly. _"But I'm not happy. Iain is not-"_

The screen went blank and so did the lights.

"Great(!) A blackout." Ethan realised once he opened up the curtains to see the streets pitch black.

His mind drifted to what Lily was about to say. _What was she going to tell me?_


	37. Chapter 37

**Oh my God, Saturday's episode. Watching the trailer again, I'm kind of dreading Ethan's 'relationship' with Scott Ellison's girlfriend... If you guys want me to interweave that story with mine then I'll see what I can do because I have a lot of dramatic ideas which involves a sort of love square going on (you can guess who's involved). I'm also incorporating Alicia's upcoming storyline as she and Ethan have unresolved issues and Dylan and Sam's because this story has sort of built an understanding between Ethan and Dylan, making them friends. Also, in a way, I think Sam is grieving for her failed marriage with Dylan as she could have been a better wife. And also if Sam and Jacob did happen, I honestly don't know what I'd do with that haha. Anyway, onto the story.**

* * *

Ethan took a deep sigh of relief the moment he sat down on his sofa and closed his eyes.

He was about to fall asleep when his phone suddenly rang.

 _When did I put it on loud?_

"Charlie?" He asked once he finally answered.

 _"Ethan, hi. We're going to need you back at the hospital."_

Ethan groaned, the stress of the day wearing on his limbs. "Why? Do we have an RTC?"

 _"No. But it is about a patient you treated during your shift. Leigh-Anne Carr. She is requesting to speak with you."_

Ethan became more alert. "Uh, can it wait until the morning?"

 _"She's adamant and I have stressed that you are off-duty but she threatens to scream the whole place down if you do not come. I have the maternity ward in my ear about this."_

"Okay, give me two hours. Tell her that I'll be there in two hours."

He could visualise Charlie nodding. _"Okay, see you soon."_

Hanging up, Ethan became proactive and went straight to the shower to wash away the whole day before getting dressed in a black light knitted sweater and jeans.

His phone rang again and he slipped it out of his pocket, almost crying out in relief at who it was. He could do with some advice right now although he wasn't sure if he was going to get it regarding his current situation.

"Lily! Hi."

 _"You seem out of breath. Exercising at one in the morning, Dr Hardy?"_

Ethan chuckled a little. "Actually, I'm heading out."

 _"Oh. To Alicia's?"_

Ethan bit his tongue but decided to answer. "No. It's someone else."

 _"Oh, when did you find someone and not tell me about them?"_ Lily asked. _"I-I guess I should let you go then. I just needed to tell you something-"_

"No, tell me. What's happened, did you go to your doctor?"

She seemed more cheerful now. _"Yeah. Everything is fine, Ethan. I was worried about nothing. She understood that I was a first-time mother, expecting twins and currently single. Although her judgemental glances did make me uncomfortable at times."_

"You're being self-conscious. No one's judging you, Lily."

 _"You're probably right. Anyway, I found something out and I don't know if you want to know."_

He smiled. "The gender?"

 _"Or genders. You'll not know unless you want to know. Do you want to know?"_ She grinned.

He laughed. "Of course I do. I need to know what to send you in terms of teddies, baby grows... I even have a couple of stuff that was Matilda's." His voice dropped a little and he became sadder knowing that Cal wouldn't be able to find her in the future to see how much their little Toad had grown up. He guessed he'd have to do it for him. "I'm excited to know. I might even visit you soon and help you out if you want. Take a little break away from Holby and when they come, we can wet the babies' heads."

 _"You're so sweet. Well, Ethan Hardy, we are having a boy and... a girl!"_ She squealed out, causing Ethan to draw the phone away from his ear but he smiled nonetheless.

"Ah, congratulations! One of each is just perfect... Did you just say 'we'?"

There was silence. Then, _"I'm sorry?"_

"You said 'we'. Do you mean-"

 _"Oh, no. I said that in terms of bad phrasing... If I was talking to Connie or even Alica, I'd say 'we' too-"_

"You know."

 _"I don't."_ Her voice became higher.

Ethan smiled. "I've never known a bad liar like you, Dr Chao. It's okay. If you don't either Iain or me to know and you want to do this alone, then that's fine but we are here no matter who's the father. Speaking of fathers... You wouldn't guess who I treated today."

 _"Who?"_

"Scott Ellison's girlfriend. She was... She was pregnant, Lily. And she gave birth today in the hospital where her son's father and grandfather died."

Lily sighed. _"Why didn't you give her case to someone else?"_

"I-I don't know."

 _"You owe her nothing. Scott Ellison was a terrible, disgusting man who killed your brother and abused everyone who wasn't white at that hospital. He deserved everything that was coming to him. You don't have to help her."_

"I let her child's father die. My past mistakes - revenged self, caused this little boy to grow up without a father."

Lily tutted. _"He deserved it...I know this may change your mind but he got what he deserved. You didn't let him die, I didn't let him die. He died under causes out of our control, my control. I heard the report and gave it to you, you saw what it said."_

Ethan nodded. "You're right. I'm going to see her. Offer her the support that I can as a doctor but keep my boundaries."

 _"Good. I'll talk to you soon."_

"Hey, Lily?"

 _"Yeah?"_ She replied quietly.

Ethan smiled a little. "I'm glad you're happier. You really sound like you're on cloud nine despite everything. It's nice, with you like this, you're not normally like this."

 _"Becoming a mum has changed me, Ethan. I hope for the better."_

"Yeah. Give the kids a kiss from me. Tell them that their Uncle Ethan will visit as soon as he can."

 _"I don't think their Uncle Ethan will visit. You sound like you've got a lot on your plate. Please don't take on this girl. Leave her be."_

Ethan closed his eyes. He _had_ to do right by Leigh-Anne.

"Sure. Bye."

 _"Bye."_

He hung up and noticed that he had an hour until he was demanded to show at the hospital. A quick late dinner it was.


	38. Chapter 38

**Well, this update is late. I am really getting stuck on what to write for these episodes that go. So, I hope you enjoy this filler chapter especially as there might not be one for today's Saturday as there is no Casualty on. Enjoy :)**

* * *

He lied to her.

He wasn't on the team that treated Scott. No, he was on the team that tried to let him die.

Lily would have been shocked and ashamed that he didn't heed her advice. But he didn't need to tell her, she was stressed and hormonal enough as it was.

Nursing a glass of Scotch, he ignored a text message from Dylan, asking for a drink.

He wanted to be left alone at the moment but he had heard that Sam had wanted to go out for a drink with Dylan.

The flat was quiet, apart from the occasional barking of the neighbour's dog or the loud TV from next door or even emergency calls via police or ambulance. Maybe Sam and Iain were on call. He hadn't really paid attention to his colleagues' shift times as his own shifts tended to drone on.

The intercom buzzed and he sighed. _Please don't tell me Dylan's turned up at my door._

He got up and placed the phone on his ear. "Hello?"

It was late. Eleven at night. Who could honestly want to visit him at this time?

["Oh good, you're up. Open this door and help me with my suitcase, will you?"]

Ethan frowned, pressing the button and heading downstairs to help open the door fully.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, lifting the suitcase with ease.

"Pay the cab, I can't find my purse."

Ethan headed to where the cab was patiently waiting and dug into his pocket to retrieve his wallet which contained a ten-pound note. He handed it to the cab driver and put his wallet back into his pocket, glad that he hadn't bothered to when he first stepped into his flat.

He finally got back upstairs with the suitcase and placed it in front of the sofa, closing the door behind him.

"You look good," Ethan smiled, placing a kiss on Lily's cheek in greeting. "What brings you here? I thought-"

"I'm going to see Iain face to face. Oh and, I'm still on maternity leave remember?" She grinned.

Ethan smiled softly. "Yeah. I'm glad you guys are talking-"

"Is that alcohol?"

Lily pointed towards the left glass on the coffee table and Ethan followed her line of sight.

"Yeah. Stressful day, you wouldn't believe."

"It's not a regular thing, though?"

"Lily, I'm not an alcoholic nor do I intend to be."

Lily smiled. "Well, I miss having a glass of red wine but these two," she began, placing a loving hand on her bump. "make waiting worth it."

Ethan chuckled, reaching his hands out to touch it but he stopped. "May I?"

"Of course, go ahead." Lily smiled, leading his left hand to hover where one of them was kicking. "Can you feel my little football player or my ballet dancer? I wouldn't even mind if their roles were reversed. They are my blessing and that is all I require of them to be."

"Oh wow," Ethan breathed out, the soft kicks vibrating on his hand as if it were magic. "That's so relaxing to feel."

"Until one of them presses on your bladder mid-sleep and you have to roll out of bed at three in the morning."

"Highs and lows of pregnancy?"

Lily nodded. "Exactly that."

"Sit down, please. Don't stand up on my accord," he said, placing decorative pillows behind her back and collecting a footstool from by the table. "Rest your feet. I'm sure you've had a stressful trip."

"I have but I'm okay. A bit tired but I'll survive."

"Water? Something to eat." He headed to the kitchenette. "I haven't made anything to eat but I do have some leftovers that Duffy gave me yesterday after she heard I had another long shift."

Lily shook her head. "I'm fine. You can eat, I did at the airport."

"Okay," he said, sitting beside her instead.

"How's Alicia? She hasn't been answering my calls. I really wanted to tell her the good news and see how she was doing. Last time we spoke, she said something about Rash being why she had a stressful day. That was nearly a month ago."

Ethan paused, watching as Lily drew circles on her bump, a soft smile gracing her lips. He'd never seen her like this.

Lily was always so uptight, only willing to let her guard down around Iain and sometimes, him. She'd rarely smile or laugh but Ethan could agree that motherhood was something that came naturally to the seldom called 'Ice Princess'. Her ice was melting and two little rays of sunshine were the cause of that regardless of who their father was.

"Oh, we barely talk." Ethan sighed. Lying came easily but it was not exactly a lie.

"Why not? I thought you guys were going on dates?"

"Work got in the way."

Lily tutted. "You mean being Clinical Lead got in the way. You've got to make time for the both of you. She won't wait forever."

"What if she was the problem, Lily? Have you ever thought that?"

She frowned. "Wait, did something happen between the both you? What did she do?"

"Oh, nothing." He didn't want to break the bridges that she and Alicia had built. They were now close friends and he knew that if Lily found out, she'd take his side and not Alicia's. And she really needed all the girl pals she could get, especially being pregnant.

"It seems like something."

"We can sort it out. Don't worry. All you have to worry about is putting your feet up."

Lily smiled. "Well, if the offer is up to eat, can you go and get me some pickles? Not just any pickles. Those ones from McDonald's."

"Do you want a burger with that too?" Ethan chuckled, getting up.

"You're a lifesaver. Thanks. And also a large diet Coke. And chips. Ooh, and can you pitch in for a milkshake too? The strawberry one."

"Wow. I wasn't actually serious about the burger. I just thought you wanted the-"

"I'm messing with you. As I said, I've already eaten but these cravings aren't going anywhere."

Ethan laughed and gave her a short but tight hug. "It's nice having you back."

"It's good to be back."

* * *

 **Now with Lily back, there's going to be drama. Also, I got the cravings idea from a McDonald's advert from way back. Hope you enjoyed it.**


	39. Chapter 39

"God, you're huge!"

Lily chuckled, sipping on her water as Alicia pressed her hand against the bump.

"But yet, you're so thin!" Alicia continued. "You look like a size ten."

"Only you can say that and get away with it," Lily joked. "A size ten _was_ what I used to be. I'm actually a size 12 thanks to the joys of pregnancy."

Alicia smiled softly, giving Lily a hug. "I've missed you. A lot has happened and it's good to have a friendly face back. Are you staying permanently?"

Lily shook her head. "Unfortunately, no. I was planning to stay for the birth and go back a couple of months after. I'm due to work this September."

"Ah, that's lovely. Will Iain be there? I'm sure he will be so excited-"

"Why aren't you at my place? I extended the lease."

Alicia blushed. "I got my old place back. Robyn's planning on moving back in with Charlotte so I can support her but she might eventually go to Charlie and Duffy's or her own place."

"And with Max gone, you have no flatmates to help pay the rent."

Alicia nodded sadly. "My parents are helping cover the remaining costs but I was thinking of asking Rash to move in."

"He still lives with his parents?"

"Yeah," Alicia replied. "Maybe even Bea."

Lily frowned. "Bea?"

"Oh, you haven't formally met her yet. Our new junior doctor, Bea Kinsella. She's Rash's good friend from somewhere. I think Med School but they act like squabbling siblings so I assume longer than that."

Lily hummed in response and sipped her water again, looking around at the living room. "It doesn't feel homely."

"No, it doesn't," Alicia admitted. "But I can't do anything about it. Hey, what will happen to your place if you extended your tenancy?"

Lily smiled. "I will move in. It's just a six-month contract and I'll be gone by five."

Alicia clicked her tongue. "Ah. Anyway, I know that you've been emailing and calling and I want to say sorry for not replying. Work has been stressful with everything that's going on-"

"I understand. Ethan has been telling me all about the troubles the ED has been having. The blog writer must have really strained your relationship."

"E-Ethan told you?" Alicia's eyes widened. "I-I want you to know that times were really difficult and it seemed as if no one was being heard."

Lily frowned. "So, you support this blog writer? From Ethan's perspective, it wasn't about the ED, it was about criticising Ethan's role as Clinical Lead. Is this why your relationship was strained? Because you supported this writer's opinions?"

Alicia sighed. "No... Not exactly but in a way, yes. Lily, I-"

Lily's phone began to ring and she placed her finger up in apology before answering it.

"Connie. How lovely to talk to you. Ethan told you I was back?"

 _"Yes. What are you doing back in Holby, darling? You should be enjoying your maternity leave."_

Lily smiled. "Exactly what I am doing in the presence of friends." She glanced at Alicia. "How about I give you a visit tomorrow? I have a surprise for you."

 _"If it's you looking like a whale then I'm picturing that image right now in my head,"_ Connie said, laughing. _"But I will be expecting your visit. You can come at around one and we can have lunch together."_

"Wonderful. I'll see you tomorrow then."

Connie smiled. _"I'll see you then. Bye-bye, darling."_

"Bye, Connie." Lily smiled, hanging up. "Sorry about that," she told Alicia. "If one person knew I was back then another, it would be soon until everyone finds out about, you know. Speaking of my pregnancy, I'm expecting twins."

Alicia gasped as a squeal emitted from her lips, her arms flailing around Lily to hug her. "Oh my God! Twins! Now I really regret not having time to answer your messages. Congratulations!"

Lily blushed. "Thanks. I wanted to let their godmother know since I was hoping that you'd be my birthing partner?"

Alicia opened her mouth in shock as her arms slackened. "B-Birthing partner? Me? Are you sure?"

Lily nodded. "Yeah."

"What about Iain? He's the father, wouldn't he-"

"We're taking things one step at a time." Lily quickly cut in. "I'd rather a woman be there and I can't ask my mother since she's in Hong Kong indefinitely nor Connie because she is still recovering so..."

Alicia nodded, tears springing to her eyes. "Of course, Lily! Oh, I can't wait to meet my godchildren!"

"Neither can I. Hey, you were telling me something before Connie called. What was it?"

Alicia blushed furiously before standing up and collecting Lily's cup. "It's nothing. Let me refill this for you and we can talk about names for the babies. Do you know the genders?"

Lily's smile returned. "A boy and a girl."

"Ah, one of each. The perfect pair."

Alicia left Lily and headed to the kitchen, her smile vanishing. Something told her that Iain wasn't the father and a certain someone was because of all the times Lily changed the topic. But was she right?


	40. Chapter 40

**We are at forty chapters! Wow! Forty chapters mean somewhat forty weeks! Here's a longish chapter for you guys to enjoy. Thanks so much!**

* * *

Lily hummed as the radio played, the smell of sizzling bacon filling the air. Ethan had dropped her off at her place before he went to work and she had noticed something odd about him.

He had been quiet. Too quiet.

She ignored his quietness and put it to not sleeping well as he did get up through the night to answer calls.

As she turned around to get some milk from the fridge, relieved she had made Ethan stop by the local Tesco's for food, her eye caught the calendar.

Her heart stopped.

 _28th April._

Her hands shook as they quickly found the edge of the counter and held on tightly.

She'd missed the first anniversary of Cal's death. She made it all about her yesterday by visiting Alicia who also seemed out of sorts.

Had Ethan remembered? Had Alicia remembered?

Spotting her phone charging, she quickly grabbed it and called Ethan. Her calls went unanswered.

She'd have to cancel lunch with Connie. Ethan was too important right now.

As she grabbed her jacket, she stopped.

Everyone would know about her predicament if she just turned up. They'd ask questions.

"Crap!" Lily breathed out.

Trying Ethan's phone again, she turned off the stove as the smell of burning bacon filled the air.

Again, the call went unanswered.

She'd have to brave going out. She couldn't hide in her flat forever. That wasn't her. She was brave.

...

Ethan sighed as he rejected another call from Lily. He knew she had plans to visit Connie and a few others but why was she calling? Surely it wasn't urgent?

His phone buzzed again and he found the caller ID to say, Leigh-Anne. Smiling, he picked the call up and promised to join her in a few minutes after he'd check in with Charlie on his patient.

He knew he was skating on thin ice but she really needed his help and he was going to give her it with his support.

His phone beeped with a text message from Lily.

 _ **Lily Chao: Call me as soon as you can x I'm sorry I forgot.**_

Ethan frowned. Forgot what?

He ignored the text message and instead went to join the front line, a patient immediately being wheeled in, Dylan flanking the other side.

"I've got this," he said to Ethan.

Ethan raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah. Sure. Call me if you need me." He stopped and watched as Iain and Sam continued to wheel the patient away, giving information to Dylan.

Since Lily was busy, he'd maybe ask Dylan out to the pub.

"Dr Hardy?"

Ethan turned around. "Yes, Dr Masum?"

Rash hesitated. "Can I speak with you? About Bea."

Ethan faltered. He'd forgotten that he had received her letter of resignation yesterday. He'd been meaning to contact her.

Remembering a time when Lily and Alicia weren't the best of friends they were now, he felt as if he'd bullied Bea out of a job just as Lily once did to Alicia. He was just as bad and hypocritical.

"Of course. My office, in five minutes. There are a few calls I have to make."

Rash nodded and left, patiently waiting as he watched Ethan retreat back into his office and shut the door behind him.

As Ethan sat down, his phone beeped with another text.

 _ **Leigh-Anne: Can you come now? I could really use your support right now. x**_

Ethan's heart stopped. Leigh-Anne never sent kisses. Texts were always plain and urgent but this one seemed different.

He sent a quick text back before looking up at the sound of knocking on the door.

"Come in,"

Dylan entered, Rash behind him.

"I'm, uh, going to need your assistance after all," Dylan mumbled.

Ethan sighed before sending an apologetic glance at Rash's direction. "I'll be ten minutes, Dr Masum. Lead the way, Dr Keogh."

As Dylan and Ethan walked side by side, the former finally finishing the rundown on the patient, Ethan took this as a chance to ask Dylan for a drink later.

"You have time after work? I was thinking we could head to the pub-"

"Cal's first anniversary of death was yesterday, right? The twenty-eighth?"

Ethan nodded. "It-It was."

Dylan frowned. "I'm actually busy this night. AA meeting but I can do tomorrow."

Ethan guessed his plans would have to change then. "I'll hold you to that, then."

"Good."

...

Lily let herself into Ethan's home and placed the shopping down on the couch, breathing out a huge sigh of relief as she sat down in the armchair.

She thanked God that nobody she knew or recognised did their shopping at the Tesco's she went to forty minutes out of Holby.

When she finally caught her breath and strength, she stood up and went about preparing Ethan's favourite dinner, something she found out during the endless nights (or mornings in her case back then) of talking whilst she was in Hong Kong.

Orange chicken. As if she didn't know it was orange chicken the moment he and Alicia came and visited her in Hong Kong.

Once she was done, she realised that it had just gone past seven. Sunset would be in a couple of hours yet, she decided.

Placing the meals in the oven to remain warm, she grabbed her coat and went back out.

As soon as the cold breeze hit her, she shivered and slipped her coat on.

Spotting a cab drive down, she flagged it and waddled over as it stopped.

"Hi, are you working?"

The cab driver shook his head. "On my way home. You need a lift, love?"

Lily smiled apologetically. "I do. It's to the cemetery."

"Go on then," the man smiled gently in sympathy.

"Ah, thank you so much. I'll pay you extra if you wait!" Lily said, getting in.

Once they arrived, Lily got out and made the small trek to Cal's grave. The flowers had long died and it made Lily wonder if Ethan had visited him lately.

"Hey, Trouble." Lily sighed. "It's been a long couple of months, right? Have you looked after Ethan well, Caleb? It seems as if he's not looking after you at the moment though."

She laid the fresh flowers she brought after asking the cab driver to make a quick stop at a flower boutique they drove past.

"Don't worry, I've got fresh flowers here. I can't believe it's been exactly a year..." Her voice broke as tears slipped down her cheeks. "You saved my life and I wake up and hear you're dead. Gone. I know I keep saying this but I never truly thanked you for that. Nor for being my frenemy. But I'd like to always think of us as friends. That changed the moment you made my heart beat again because if you didn't... I wouldn't be a mother today. Yeah, hey, I'm going to be a mum! Me, Lily Chao, a mum? If you were alive, you'd probably be pretending to be sorry for my children for having a mum such as me... Sorry for droning on, I'm supposed to be at Ethan's. Hey, I'll make sure to visit you before I leave. I-I... I miss you."

She placed a kiss on her fingers before placing it on the gravestone and getting up. When she turned around she came face to face with Alicia.

"Oh. Hi."

Lily smiled. "What can a girl do for a hug?"

Alicia chuckled and easily brought her friend in for a tight but comfortable hug.

"I didn't have work today so I decided to come and talk to Cal for some advice."

"On Ethan?" Lily asked gently. "I didn't want to burden the dead."

Alicia nodded. "Me neither. And not really on Ethan. Just life in general."

"Well, I better go. I felt like a terrible friend and I need to amend that."

"Go ahead. I'll stay here for a while. Clear my head with a walk after."

They said goodbye with a hug and soon Lily was back at Ethan's waiting patiently on the sofa, watching Eastenders.

She seldom watched it but it never piqued her interest with all the drama that went on. But same she could say of her life.

Eight-thirty turned into nine-thirty. Nine-thirty turned into eleven past eleven. Eleven past eleven turned into eleven forty-two when the door finally opened and Lily shot up awake.

"Lily." Ethan frowned. "Why are you here?"

Lily yawned. gesturing for him to help her up. He grabbed both of her hands and slowly pulled her up to stand before he was brought in for a tight and uncomfortable hug.

"What was that for?" He asked.

Before he knew it, Lily began to sob, tears rushing down her cheeks as she apologised many times and gripped onto his forearms.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realise that it was the first anniversary of Caleb's death. How could I forget? I was bloody run over by a car and nearly lost my life, myself! But, I'm alive and oh, God... I shouldn't have said that. It's not about me, it's about Cal-"

"Slow down, Lily. Hey, it's okay. I remembered and well, you needed to get out for a bit. It's fine."

"I made you dinner and everything. I even found Cal's favourite mixtape of songs..." Lily whined. She never _whined_.

Ethan smiled softly. "It's fine, honestly." He sighed. "How are you holding up?"

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well, as you said, you nearly lost your life. We _did_ lose you. Your heart stopped and Cal restarted it again."

The tears returned. "Screw these hormones!" She muttered under her breath. "I'm fine. I-I... Well, I did have a nightmare about it and I was so confused about why I was dreaming about getting hit by a car and being unable to move or talk as everyone surrounded me, pitying me... Then, it hit when I glanced at my calendar and all I could think about was you. Not me. You. I even forgot I had a nightmare!"

Ethan stayed silent but he brought her in for a hug, kissing the top of her head as she sniffled.

"You're an amazing best friend, Lily. There's a reason why I didn't bring it up."

She glanced up at him. "Why?" She whispered.

"Because I also knew that you had a terrible day that day. I didn't want to bring back the trauma. You don't deserve to suffer such an ordeal all over again, that's why I was relieved when you wanted to meet Alicia-"

"But we've been through a lot. Remember the minibus crash and-and my moped accident?"

Ethan nodded. "But you're pregnant, Lily. You would be affected in ways you wouldn't even realise. And you were struggling after the minibus crash as was I. But we're survivors."

Lily smiled. "So, why are you late? I thought your shift ended at eight-forty-five today."

"I was meeting with someone..." Ethan said, averting her gaze.

"You didn't?" Lily breathed out. She caught on quick. "I told you to stop whatever that was!"

"You don't even know her, Lily! She's really nice!"

Lily scoffed. "Really nice? And how about you? Testing your professional boundaries. This would get you your P45!"

"I know what I am doing, Lily. And I _am_ helping from a professional side of things but it really is _none_ of your business!"

"It so is! If this gets you sacked! You can't do this. I'm doing this for you, getting involved. Ethan, stop this."

Ethan took a deep breath in and blew it out. "I'd like it if I was alone this night."

Lily nodded. "Fine. But then you'll realise that I was right. I'm just looking out for you."

With that, she slipped her coat on and left, slamming the door behind her.


	41. Chapter 41

**So in this chapter... Lily's been keeping another secret which was explored a little in previous chapters (her feeling unwell) and she overhears something which I was excited to use this Saturday's episode. Enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

Lily took a deep breath as Holby City Hospital came into her view. She didn't see anyone she recognised but she did spot a young female crouching down in what seemed to be in pain.

As quickly as she could she waddled over, her doctor's intuitions taking over.

"Hi, are you okay?" She breathed out once she reached the young woman who seemed to be crying.

"Please... Just leave me alone."

Lily hesitated. "But you're in pain. You look really pale, I think you could come in. My name's Lily, I'm a doctor who used to work here. I can get you seen to quickly. What is your name?"

"Leigh-Anne but I don't need your help. I don't deserve it!" Leigh-Anne cried out.

"Hey, unless you've killed someone, I think you deserve a little help," Lily smiled lightly. "Come on."

Lily was about to pull Leigh-Anne up but she stopped when she heard someone followed by a baby's gurgle.

"Suits you," Sam commented.

Lily turned around just in time to hear Iain reply to her.

"You're joking, aren't ya?" He turned to face the entrance with a look of disdain on his face.

Her heart drop.

"Look, Lily. Just-Just go please." Leigh-Anne cried. She leaned forward to watch as Iain held Kiegan in his carrier and enter the ED.

Lily looked down at her. "What have you done, Leigh-Anne?" She whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Your first baby?"

Lily nodded, protectively placing her hands on her bump. "Yes."

"You'll understand that this is for the best. You look like such a caring and patient mother... Kiegan doesn't need me. I hope that when yours is born, you'll love them unconditionally just as I do mine. I also hope that..." Her voice broke. "You'd do everything in your power to look after him or her and if you can't, make sure you find someone who will."

Lily was stunned. Unable to speak, she turned around and walked away, far away from the ED.

It felt like forever when Lily finally found herself back at Ethan's place. She let herself in and took a deep breath, rubbing her face as the tears couldn't stop coming.

Iain didn't want them. No wonder he was always so hesitant, so angry to talk to her.

When she was sure she cried herself out, she took deep breaths, knowing her blood pressure would be sky-rocketing. She could also feel another headache making itself present now that her tears didn't hold her pain.

She felt nauseous and her vision was becoming blurry but she was determined to find out who the mystery woman who Ethan was risking his job for.

Shaking her head, Lily stood up with much difficulty and set about looking through drawers, messages on the fridge, the coffee table and Ethan's bedroom to find any sign or link to who the woman was.

When she returned to the kitchen, she found Ethan's mail and looked through them disinterestedly. Her eye caught a familiar name.

 _Leigh-Anne Carr._

She slowly picked up the stickie note and read the address below. Could this be the same Leigh-Anne she met earlier?

Taking a photo of the stickie note, she made sure everything was back in its place and left Ethan's home, heading back to hers.

With Connie and Alicia both working, the only person she could visit was her mother who was back for a couple of weeks to oversee the restaurant.

But something told Lily that her mind wouldn't be on whatever her mother was going to talk about.

...

The next morning, Lily used her mother's car to drive down to the address on her phone.

She parked down the street and switched the engine off, getting out of the car and locking it.

She stopped and held her breath when she saw Ethan come out with a smile on his face before turning around to kiss...

 _Leigh-Anne_. The same one from yesterday.

"Oh my God, Ethan..." Lily breathed out to herself.

Lily waited until Ethan had got into his car and drove off, breathing a sigh of relief that it was a one-way street so he couldn't drive past her.

Once she made sure he was gone, she headed to the building and knocked on the window.

Leigh-Anne exited the room, her eyes widening as they found Lily's. She quickly let her in.

"How-How did you find me?"

Lily faltered. She should have thought this through.

"Can we sit down?" She asked instead. The few seconds or minutes would be helpful.

Leigh-Anne led her into the living room where Lily hoped to God that she and Ethan hadn't done anything on the sofa they were going to sit on.

As they sat, Leigh-Anne crossed her arms.

"This is stalking, you know? Lily or whatever your name is."

"It is Lily," Lily whispered quietly. "I'm not stalking you, I promise. Uh, my-my... Someone I know had your address written down and I got a bit anxious and suspicious."

Leigh-Anne's gaze lowered to Lily's bump, and her mouth opened in an 'o'.

"I-I actually saw him leave. You have to know that this is... inappropriate. He could lose his job and I can't let him risk his job for anything. He's done so much to fight for it and to be honest, I've had to beg him to remain working at Holby once. What I'm trying to say is that a relationship with a patient never leads to something good. It's your life, I know and it's his but-but..."

"Look, this is none of your business-"

"It is. I don't know how to explain-"

"Unless he's the father of your baby, I... He is... isn't he?" Leigh-Anne asked slowly.

Lily faltered. "I-I don't actually know. But even if he isn't, I don't want him getting hurt."

Leigh-Anne's eyes filled with tears. "Oh my God... I'm a home-wrecker."

"You're not. Honestly. Look, I should go. I should never have come. I-I just want to protect him and I know that it isn't my business..." Lily stood up and breathed through a dull pain in her ribs.

"I'm sorry." Leigh-Anne cried. "I'll stop seeing him if it means that he is there for your baby."

Lily sighed. "Don't. Don't bother. I can do this on my own, I was going to anyway. Just make sure he's happy. He's had a lot to deal with and now I have to learn that I can't bubble wrap him and protect him from his mistakes forever. Goodbye."

"Wait."

Lily stopped.

"You really care about him, don't you?"

"How's your baby?" Lily asked instead. "I hope he's happy as you said."

Leigh-Anne smiled. "I actually got him back. It was a moment of weakness. I was ill, anaemic."

"Oh. Well, I hope you are better. I've really got to go now. Goodbye."

She quickly left and as soon as she got into her mother's car and drove away, her tears slipped down her cheeks and she angrily wiped at them. Her stupid hormones and stupid self for getting involved with two men who didn't want her nor her children.

She was going to die lonely. Ethan was right all those months ago.

Once her babies grew up and had babies of their own, she'll be forgotten.

After a while, Lily found herself at Ethan's home after driving aimlessly for hours.

She knew they were not on speaking terms but she needed to talk to _someone_. The secret she'd been keeping about her health was now scaring her.

But she didn't stop for long. Instead, she headed to Connie's home, immediately being let in.

"Hey, darling. What's wrong?"

Lily breathed out, thanking Connie as she accepted a mug of fruit tea. She dug into her pocket and retrieved a letter.

"A while ago, you told me to do something. I did just that but I couldn't bear to find out the results. I want you to know and look after it but I don't want to know. I never want to know."

Connie frowned. "Why?" She asked, taking the unopened letter.

"Because neither of them is willing to father my children."

"Children?"

Lily smiled softly. "Twins. Boy and girl."

"Congratulations, darling! But are you sure about the father thing? If you don't want to know then there's no point in me knowing either. I could slip up."

"I guess..." Lily trailed off. "But it's not like I need either of their help regardless who is the father. Iain hates the idea and Ethan's in his own world. There's no place for a baby let alone two in their lives. I'd like to keep it that way."

Connie nodded, sighing. "Of course. Want to talk about something else?"

By the time Lily and Connie had finished talking, it had just gone past nine.

"Thanks for finally visiting, darling." Connie smiled, giving her a tight hug as they stood by the door.

"Thanks for listening and you know," Lily replied. "I better go and sleep. These babies have had enough..." Her vision became blurry but she blinked the dizziness away.

"Are you okay?"

Lily nodded, using the doorjamb for support. "I just didn't drink enough water today. I'm probably going to have a couple of litres when I get home."

Connie chuckled but she wasn't convinced. "Okay. Call me whenever. I'd like to support you whilst you're still around."

"Thank you. Goodnight."

"Night, darling." Connie smiled, watching as Lily entered the car and drove off safely before going back inside.

Once again, Lily found herself at Ethan's.

The lights were on and she got out of the car, locking it before making her way over to the intercom.

She was let in quickly and Ethan met her at the top of the stairs.

"Why are you here, Lily? Leigh-Anne told me you paid her a visit."

"To-to understand. But you know what? It's your life. I just wanted to-"

"You can't control my life, Lily! I can do what I want to do, you don't hold anything over my head," Ethan cut her off gently. "You can't go around doing this, telling me what to do. My life isn't your business, it hasn't been for a while, Lily. Things have changed since you moved to Hong Kong."

Lily nodded. "I know. Alicia's changed too. You all have. Maybe I shouldn't have come back. You guys are doing perfectly fine without me. I'll go back to Hong Kong. Coming back earlier than planned was a bit... stupid."

Ethan's gaze softened. "No... Lily, I-"

"Don't. As I said... Holby's full of ghosts." Lily turned around, the dizziness waving over her again as she began to descend the steps. Her throat became to close up as she could feel herself gasping for air.

Her world danced around her and Lily felt herself becoming heavy, falling as her world suddenly became dark and her name was screamed out.

* * *

 **So, to explain how Lily's been feeling throughout this chapter, she is going through a disorder of pregnancy called pre-eclampsia which is frequent in females' first births, especially if a woman is carrying twins at her first pregnancy. This is caused by high blood pressure which was lightly touched on in previous chapters where Lily would avoid getting seen by a doctor and was worried about her children's healths, and high levels of protein in the urine which wasn't talked about. The underlying mechanism involves the abnormal formation of blood vessels in the placenta amongst other factors. For more information check the NHS website or Wikipedia. This is the chapter which will explain Lily's lack of presence with the ongoing storylines Casualty is giving.**


	42. Chapter 42

**Well, this one's a dramatic chapter. Also, the moment you've been waiting for... and will continue next week :)**

* * *

Lily murmured, her eyes slowly waking up to the touch of someone brushing her hair out of her eyes.

"Wha...?"

Connie gave her a smile. "Hey, darling. You gave us all quite a scare."

Lily suddenly became more alert as she rushed to sit up, the pain immediately shooting through her body.

"Hey! No, lie back down, sweetheart-"

"Everybody knows! Everybody knows I'm-"

Connie shook her head, shushing her. "You're in St. James'. Ethan drove you here as fast as he could. He was so worried, he wore the hallway down after you were admitted."

Lily allowed a few tears to fall. "What is it? What's wrong with me?"

"The doctors concluded that you have pre-eclampsia. Don't worry, you're hooked up with the good stuff so that you and the babies are all okay. Darling, you're okay. They're okay."

"Okay, good." Lily breathed out.

Connie smiled, looking down. "I gave Ethan the letter."

Lily's eyes widened. "What? Why? I told you-"

"You were out of it for two days, Lily. It was beginning to seem as if you weren't going to wake up. Ethan said you hit your head hard on the stairs before he was able to catch you. We hoped that there wouldn't be any damage to your brain. The way Ethan was telling the doctor, it seemed as if it was a nasty fall."

"Oh my God..." Lily groaned out. "Does he know if he's the father or not?"

"I think he does," Connie confessed. "I should also tell you that Iain visited a couple of times."

Lily nodded. "They both know? I-I didn't even get a chance to tell Iain the full story..."

"Iain doesn't know anything about you and Ethan. But you should tell him." Connie gently urged. "But I know this, they both care for you very much."

...

 _Two Days Earlier_

Ethan knew Lily would freak out if she was taken to Holby. No one knew except him, Connie, Alicia and Iain about her pregnancy.

So as he struggled to lift her gently into his arms, the sound of her phone ringing startled him, causing him to place her back down.

 _Iain_

He needed to know.

"Iain, hi. Before you say anything, Lily's had a fall so I'm driving her to St. James'. She's going to be fine but I think it's best if you meet us there."

 _"Oh- I... Okay. I'll be there as soon as possible."_

Ethan hung up and decided to call Connie too just for good measure.

As he returned his attention back to Lily, his heart skipped a beat.

 _She wasn't breathing._

He quickly pulled her limp arm up, checking her pulse to find out that there was barely even one. Her lips were becoming blue and colder by the second.

Alarmed, Ethan gently pulled her towards the front door and began chest compressions, stopping after each bout to breathe air into her mouth before continuing.

She let out a small whimper after five minutes but refused to wake up.

"Stay with me, Lily. You're going to be okay, I promise you."

By the time she was settled in her hospital room, he was shaken to see her hooked up to a ventilator, her doctor explaining that she could barely breathe for herself.

"There's a low blood supply to both foetuses. There's a chance that they nor Ms Chao would make it. But we'll do hourly obs."

Ethan nodded. "This is a case of intra-uterine or foetal growth restriction, right? I had a similar case that I worked on back at Holby."

Her doctor nodded. "Indeed, Dr Hardy. And there's the case of her head injury. There is slight swelling of the brain and we will do half-hourly obs for that as well."

"Ethan!"

Ethan turned around to see Connie heading towards him, a slightly irritated look in her eyes.

"How is she?"

"She's going to be fine," Ethan told her. "She had a fall, hit her head on the stairs hard...-"

"But we'll be able to monitor her recovery throughout the night. If the swelling does not go down on its own, we might have to put Ms Chao in an induced coma, Mrs Beauchamp."

Connie almost blushed, surprised that the doctor remembered her. She clearly didn't remember him. A seminar, perhaps?

"Ah, let's hope it goes down then." She swallowed deeply.

As Connie and Ethan sat on either side of Lily, the image of a tube restricting her mouth haunting them, Connie turned to face Ethan.

"She doesn't know, by the way."

Ethan looked up, turning to face her. "Know what?"

"You know, the father..." Connie trailed off. "She had the test done even though she was against it and could have risked the pregnancy-"

"Could it have caused this? Made her like this, the chance of possibly losing-"

"Ethan, this is a first-time pregnancy which involves twins. Don't forget she's head of a department and that with the stress God knows what... Lots of contributing factors led up to this moment."

Ethan winced, suddenly believing that he may have had a hand in Lily's unfortunate condition.

"Here," Connie suddenly said a while later, pushing a letter towards him. "I don't know either. I think Lily feared something would happen to her so she gave me this for safekeeping in case something like _this_ did happen. It's the results."

Ethan gingerly took the letter and quickly opened it up, all of his breath leaving his body as his eyes studied the wordings.

"The father's blood type is A-positive."

Connie glanced at Ethan. "So?"

"This doesn't mean anything. I know my blood type's A but maybe Iain's is too."

"Why don't you ask him?" Connie asked gently, gesturing to Iain pestering a nurse outside.

Ethan stood up slowly, placing the letter back into the envelope before folding it and putting it in his pocket.

"I'll be right back," He told Connie.

He turned around and took a deep breath as he opened the door to greet Iain.

...

 _Present_

"Oh, Lily! Connie told me you finally woke up. How are you feeling? Chuckles?"

Lily gave Iain a small smile, placing a weak hand on his cheek. "I'm fine. _We're_ fine."

Iain blew a sigh of relief, placing a kiss on top of her forehead. "You gave me quite the scare, you."

"I'm sorry..." Lily whispered, tears slipping down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

"No, it's okay. It wasn't your fault!" Iain chuckled lightly, placing a kiss on her cheek as she shook her head.

"No... I'm not sorry for scaring you, although I am."

Iain frowned. "Then for what, Lily?"

"When we ended things... After the incident with the ketchup and Sam... I got drunk and I slept with someone else. Iain..., you might not be the father."

Iain was unsure of how to feel. He knew he didn't want kids, nor was he warming up to the idea but something about him and Lily having children _together_ excited him. Until the feeling disappeared as the words left her lips.

 _'You might not be the father.'_

"Who, Lily? Who was it? Who did you sleep with?" The anger rose in Iain's chest as he tried to remain cool and collected, failing significantly.

"It doesn't matter..."

Iain scoffed. "It does! When it means raising someone else's children as they expect to be involved! Lily, tell me who it is. Please."

"I can't."

"You can't or you won't tell me?" He hissed. "Did he rape you?"

Lily's eyes widened. "No! It was consensual if you must know!" She blushed. "I think you should go-"

"I'm not going until you tell me who _might_ be the father of your children, Lily."

Lily shook her head. "I'm sorry, okay. We can forget about this. We can be together if you want. Raising _our_ children-"

"But it's not _our_ children, is it?" Iain asked, his eyes watering. "It's _possibly_ ours. And we would have to live with that forever. I can't do that to myself. You can't do that to me. Having me question their paternity whenever someone says they don't look like me but they look like their _other_ father. I love you, Lily but I think I let you go months ago. I don't even think this prospect of being a father could even bring us back together. We're too different. We have different goals..."

He trailed off when his eyes landed on Ethan speaking with Lily's doctor, nodding and listening, hanging onto every word the man said.

"You and Ethan were staying with each other around that time, weren't you? Is it Ethan? Is Ethan their dad?"

Lily turned to where Ethan shook hands with her doctor before heading to Connie to update her.

Lily then turned her gaze to Iain. It was too much. She had to confess. It was unfair on Iain if Ethan knew.

"It was a mistake. We didn't expect it to happen but we were both upset and-"

Before she knew it, Iain was out of the room, pinning Ethan up against the wall as he withdrew his fist back to punch him.

"Iain!" She screamed out, trying to unhook herself from the endless monitors and wires.

But she was too late.

As she finally got to the door, Ethan was crumpled on the floor, nursing a bloody nose as Iain shook his hand, the pain evident in his eyes as Connie looked on, mortified.

"You. Walk. Now." Connie ordered lowly to Iain.

"With pleasure." Iain spat out, almost knocking Lily back as he breezed past her.

Connie winced as she got to her knees to check Ethan's nose. She noticed the looks he was giving Lily. The looks of remorse, regret and sorrow.

"I'm sorry, Lily." He whispered.

But Lily was far too gone in her sobs before she suddenly hiccuped, her eyes rolling back into her head as she collapsed.


	43. Chapter 43

"I need you to do something for me."

Sam frowned, looking up to see Connie waiting expectantly.

"What?"

"I need you to get me a blood sample. From Iain."

"Why?" Sam asked, standing up straighter as she crossed her arms. "What for?"

"Just a check up although, I'd rather if he didn't know. He would think that I'm involving myself in his business but-"

"Okay, sure..." Sam trailed off. "Weird but okay. Unconventional but fine-"

Connie raised her eyebrow. "Okay, thank you. Immediately, please. Before your new boss has your head."

Sam watched as Connie walked away, Iain appearing suddenly behind her.

"What did she want?"

"To tell me about Jan Jennings. Apparently, she has nothing up against Mrs Beauchamp and we should choose where our loyalties lie."

Iain nodded, heading over to the ambulance as Sam got their kits.

"Can you open the door?" She asked.

He opened it a little, enough for her to lean over and fit their bags inside. As she leant back up, she opened the door wider, hitting Iain square in the nose.

"Oh, I'm so so-"

"It's fine." Iain winced as blood began to trickle down his nose.

"I'll get you some tissues."

Remembering what Connie asked her to do, Sam quickly used cotton swabs to soak his blood into as she handed him more. She retrieved a glove and stuffed the swabs he handed her into it.

"Keep those there, yeah, tilt your head..." She told him.

"What are you doing?"

"I couldn't leave you to find a bin! I'll replace it later."

Satisfied with her answer, he continued to hand her the soaked swabs.

"Doesn't even look that bad, you still look like your ugly mug."

Ah, you...!"

...

Lily smiled when her mother stepped through the door,

"Hello," she whispered as her mother sat beside her.

"Hello. Are you feeling... are you okay?"

Lily nodded, gripping tightly to the blue sheets that covered her bump. "I'm fine, they're fine."

Li Na nodded, placing a hand on her daughter's. "I was so worried. Your friend, the doctor, called me."

"Ethan?"

"Yes. He told me to come but I can see that you are doing fine."

"Would you have if I wasn't doing fine?" Lily asked quietly. "I know that this wasn't what you wanted to think about when it came to my situation. A single mother who doesn't even know who the father of her children is. A disappointment to your family, Papa's family... My family. Look, I think you should go."

Li Na looked up, remorse showing on her features as she stood up and collected her handbag. "I'll be back soon, Lily Blossom."

Lily closed her eyes when she felt her mother's lips on her forehead, suddenly craving it once they disappeared out the door.

Maybe she shouldn't have got rid of her so soon.

To be honest, she was sick of the company she was keeping. The only ones making her feel good about herself without the need of crying and screaming were her babies.

It was late at night when the door opened again and Lily was once again craving the loneliness but she was surprised to see Iain.

"Iain?"

"I'm sorry about the last time I was here. To say work was awkward would be saying the least. But I'm not mad, Lily. I'm just upset that you... that you turned to him when we had an argument."

Lily looked away, sighing as he sat beside her.

"I can't explain what I felt that day... Or the days which followed-"

"It wasn't the one time?" Iain asked, taking a sharp intake of breath. "Oh, God..."

Lily turned to face him. "Listen. I'm sorry but we were on a break or broken up then. Just... listen to what I'm trying to explain as to why it happened."

Iain nodded. "Okay. I know that this is going to hurt and I'm going to ask what he gave you that I couldn't but... go ahead."

"Thank you," she whispered. "That day... He was consoling me. He told me that he'd always be there for me, that he understood me... He told me he loved me."

"Was that it? A declaration of love and you jumped into bed with him?"

Lily's eyes widened. "No!" She cried out. "No... We were best friends for ages and he wanted to let me know how much he treasured our friendship. I began to question why we never worked out as a couple when he was so lovely to me. But the same thing destroyed that as it did this relationship. Jealousy. I can list so many guys that I've been with and so many girls that I thought threatened what we had. I'm not an easy person to love or be with, I know that. Even my parents showed me that at times but I do have feelings and in my head, they're justified."

"What's that got to do with you sleeping with Ethan? Of all people, the guy had just lost his brother a couple of months before."

"Ironic that I also slept with his brother," Lily whispered before her eyes widened. "Not whilst we were together! Just before everything, years ago."

Iain blushed. "Yeah, the bet."

"Anyway, we talked about me not being able to hold a relationship down and then we kissed. I didn't feel anything but something at the back of my mind asked what if this was years ago when we first met? Would we be together now, married, kids? Then I thought about you and how much I was hurting that _I wanted_ it to go further than just a meaningless kiss. So, it turned into meaningless sex multiple times."

"Friends with benefits?"

"Don't act as if you didn't-"

"I'm not that man any more and I didn't even think you were that type of woman either, Lily."

Lily nodded. "Neither did I but I guess that our relationship, the unsteadiness of it, made me do that. Ethan and I connected on a deeper level, one which wasn't established when we met. He let me do things on my own terms, asked if I was okay even though he was hurting and grieving. He put me before him and I guess... I used him."

"Do you love him?"

"Honestly?" She asked, making him nod. "Yes. I do love him but I am not _in love_ with him. We weren't meant to be together in that way."

"Do you love me?"

Lily smiled softly. "More than I ever did but you were right. It's too late for us. After all that's happened and I don't expect you to question anything or live a life with me where there is always an inkling of doubt in your mind even if the results prove to be you as the father. I don't want you to ever doubt that we didn't have something special, that I don't love you, that I'd run off with him and leave you..."

Iain nodded, wiping a tear from his cheek. "I... I had quite a day today. A young lad had lost his leg but we... we saved his life by amputating and it just made me think... What if it was my own child scared stiff, about to have their life changed forever from what they knew, what they were used to? I didn't want to leave things bad with you if they were mine. I would want us to protect them together, no matter if we're a couple or not."

Sighing softly, Lily grabbed his hand. "Do you understand everything, now? Me and Ethan, you and me..."

"I don't know. I get it but not entirely. I just don't understand how you and Ethan... But I'll work on that, getting over it. For us."

"Is there even an 'us'? We keep saying there isn't."

Iain chuckled. "Well, maybe. Maybe everything would change someday but for now, no. I have to go. I haven't gone home and checked on Gem yet."

"Gem... I... I'll see her sometime, maybe."

"In your own time," Iain smiled.

"Yeah. In my own time."


	44. Chapter 44

Connie looked at the results, pursing her lips as she slipped the letter back into the envelope and opened the door.

"You're being discharged soon."

Lily smiled a little. "Yes but I am on bedrest for the duration of my pregnancy. Especially since I'm in my ninth month - I might as well stay here."

Connie chuckled. "I was the same. Desperate to have it over and done with. But they need the bed and your waters have not exactly broken yet. Nor your contractions started but-"

"I get it," Lily chuckled. "I actually can't wait to go but a part of me is afraid."

"The whole single mother thing will be okay for you if that's what you're worried about. I did and survived. Half of the time."

Lily nodded. "If you can do it, then I can."

"I have something for you. Before you say anything," Connie started, giving Lily the envelope to read its contents. "It was done in an unconventional way but you needed to know. So, do the rest of us and more importantly to put your mind at rest.

Lily scanned the results and nodded slowly, taking a deep breath. "Can I have the other envelope?"

"It's with Ethan. But that said the blood type was A-positive and Ethan's blood type is A..."

"Thank you. I don't know what to think now I know. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed. I don't know what I'm feeling, I feel so numb."

Connie took Lily's hand and gave it a light squeeze as she told her, "Whatever happens is now on your terms. He'll be there to help you through it, he's a good man like that."

"But I don't know if he'll stay. I know I want to do this alone, but what if he decides that the whole co-parenting thing isn't for him? Or he wants more or less?"

"Darling, you can't stress yourself out, at least do it after you've given birth. Otherwise, your blood pressure would go back up and one of those babies or even both will become very distressed. Come on, I have downloaded some Eastenders episodes on iPlayer for you. How about you watch that and I'll go find something for us to eat?"

Lily smiled, nodding and opened up the tablet, inserting her headphones in. "I'm really wanting some pickles right now."

"Surprisingly, so do I."

...

Ethan was relieved that he and Alicia were friends again, he almost didn't have the heart to confess that he was in a new relationship but when Leigh-Anne texted him, he found himself running to her. Eventually ending up in her bed.

Everything was finally looking up for him. So much that he decided to visit his best friend who was being discharged from hospital that day to see how his godchildren were doing.

He walked into St. James' with a wide smile, smiling at the receptionist who seemed to recognise him from his previous visits. This time, instead of going straight upstairs, he headed to the café to see if they had any pickled sandwiches on sale since Lily had randomly texted that she craved it.

He knew Connie would get her some but Lily _was_ eating for three, he had to make sure that all of them were properly fed.

Getting to the front of the queue, he gestured to the sandwich and also ordered a latte and decaf tea to go.

"Another pickled sandwich?" He heard.

Turning around, he found Connie sitting at a table, holding up the sandwich box she'd just bought.

"Lily's more greedy than I thought," she joked, making him smile.

Collecting his order, he joined her.

"What are you waiting for?"

"Oh, Lily's finally watched the end of an episode and she's quite emotional. These stabbings in London, these days..."

Ethan nodded. "So, you're all caught up? I rarely watch it, Cal and I used to watch the holiday episodes such as the Easter or Christmas ones but this one got to me. It really sheds a light on what's happening in our country."

"Yes. I can't imagine having my child stabbed... Oh, Ethan, I'm-"

"It's fine," Ethan smiled softly. "We're talking about teenagers, children whose lives have been cut short. Cal lived a full life, well at least into adulthood. These kids won't."

Connie took a deep breath in before breathing out. "Let's head up, shall we?" She said.

They both stood up and began a happier conversation as they walked to the lift, Connie deciding to go to the toilet with Ethan continuing on, not noticing Iain also making his way upstairs, with gifts in hand.

...

Lily looked up when the door opened and paused the show she watching on her phone before looking up with a small smile.

"Hey. I've got something to tell you..." She said, gesturing for them to sit down beside her.

She gently took the contents from his hand and placed them on the table which laid over her legs before turning to face him, taking a deep breath in and out.

"Don't say anything, just listen... I know things have been awkward, frightening and very eventful... But I want you to know this now, I intend to go through this alone but I'm open to co-parenting. Another thing is, I stand by my plan to stay a couple of months before returning back home to Hong Kong. Holby's not my home anymore, no one exactly _needs_ me here, I just get in the way of everything. Anyway, after I return home, I don't mind you visiting or me visiting but I think it will be easier for you to come to us since me alone travelling with twins would be a difficult challenge..."

She took a deep breath, taking one of his hands. He was about to say something but she shushed him, tears slipping down her cheeks.

"It's better this way..." She continued. "I don't know if we can make it work so our children do not grow up in a broken family but we can't do that to ourselves, put ourselves in a relationship where we might not have those certain feelings for each other. And other factors come into play..."

There was a knock on the door and Connie came in, noticing the tears on Lily's cheeks.

"What happened?" Her heart jumped as she rushed to her side. "I just needed to go to the toilet. Was that episode that emotional?"

Lily chuckled lightly, shaking her head. "No, I was just about to tell him..."

"Tell me what because the way you're speaking makes me believe, _know_ , I'm the father. Is that what you're saying? I'm the father, aren't I?"

Lily nodded. "Yes. You are the father." She swallowed deeply.


	45. Chapter 45

**Sorry, it's late but it had to be perfect. A little drama, a little humour and a lot of friendship!**

* * *

Alicia shakily twisted the key in the hole and turned it before pushing the door open and closing it behind her once she stepped inside.

She heard noises coming from the living room and her heart began to beat faster as she continued down the hall towards the small entertainment area.

"Alicia! You-You gave me a scare..." Lily breathed out, rubbing her chest as her other hand patted her bump. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry," Alicia whispered. "I-I still had a key. I was meant to return it but I'm glad I didn't because you're on bedrest and... well, I really need you." She broke out in tears, alarming Lily.

Lily was about to get up but Alicia got to her first, wrapping her arms around her tightly.

"Alica, what happened?" Lily asked, rubbing her back as the blonde heaved with tears. "Are you hurt? Is it Ethan? Alicia... Please, you're scaring me and it's really late... Anything could have happened."

It took twenty minutes until Alicia had finally calmed down, soothing herself with a cup of tea as Lily watched on, now sitting up.

"Why do you smell like smoke?"

"I burnt them..." Alicia stated quietly.

Lily frowned, her eyebrows furrowing. "Burnt what?"

"The-The sheets."

"What happened Alicia?"

Alicia shook her head, looking up at the ceiling. "He thinks I'm with-with him-him."

"Who thinks you're with who? Is it Ethan? Has something happened?"

Lily slipped her charger out of her phone and unlocked it, heading to her contacts but Alicia stopped her, chucking her phone at the end of the room.

"You're lucky it's carpet," Lily whispered.

Alicia let out a strained laugh but it came out as a whimper before she dropped the cup completely from her hand and wrapped her arms around her small frame.

"Alicia!" Lily gasped.

Her arms went around Alicia once again, ignoring the fact her carpet could be now stained with the brown liquid. She'd been meaning to hire a carpet cleaner anyway before renting this place out completely.

"I'm never going to get him back, aren't I?" Alicia asked, turning to face Lily. "He won't want me anymore. After..."

"After what?" Lily pressed. "Alicia, what the _hell_ happened?"

Alicia quickly stood up, shaking her head as her heart began to speed up and her movements were becoming erratic.

"I shouldn't have come..." The blonde suddenly said before rushing out.

Lily was about to go after her but gasped as a wave of pain hit her. She looked down. Blood.

...

Ethan felt so stupid.

Of course, Alicia would move on. What did he expect after telling her that he was in a new relationship?

But that too was shortlived as the line between patient and doctor was crossed. Lily was right. The doctor from upstairs was right... Everyone was right except him.

He should have listened to Lily from the beginning.

Speaking of Lily, he decided to pay her a visit to see how bedrest with minimal exercise was treating her.

He knew she'd hate it. She was used to jetting off to places or going for morning jogs whenever she could. But she had to make sure her babies were okay.

Suddenly, he felt something or _someone_ collide into his chest.

"Al-Alicia?"

Her eyes widened as she blinked and let go of him, running around him instead.

"Alicia!" He called out but she kept running.

He had to go after her, she could hurt herself but as he turned towards Lily's home, he saw the door wide open.

Someone could walk in at any time and hurt Lily and she wouldn't be able to escape since she was restricted. But he could count on her to bend the rules a little if it meant saving her and her children's lives but still... she was a pregnant single woman, anything could happen.

Making sure he knew which way Alicia ran, he jogged up to the door and pulled it back-

"Anyone?! I-I need help! I-I'm bleed... Help!"

His heart jumped. What had Alicia done? Did she know about the paternity testing and all the drama between him, Lily and Iain? Did she tell Lily about what had happened between them to hurt their relationship?

Instinct running over, he was forced to make a choice. Follow Alicia who could end up hurt or Lily who was probably bleeding to death.

Taking his phone out, he dialled Iain's number before stepping backwards. If he'd alerted her to his presence, he wouldn't be able to find Alicia.

 _"Ethan?"_

"I know I'm the last person you want to hear from right now but Lily needs you. I've left the front door open and I'm about to call an ambulance-"

 _"I'm on my way with Sam."_

 _No!_ , Ethan thought. "Everyone would know, Lily doesn't want that!"

Iain sighed. _"I'm bringing Jan. She's new and she won't recognise Lily. We'll take her to St. James."_

"Okay. Bye. I have to go."

Ethan's mind clouded over. But if Lily was bleeding, she'd need help. Or towels.

But Alicia...

His phone beeped and he opened the text, seeing it was from Alicia.

 _[Sorry about earlier. I wanted to tell her something but it wouldn't come out. I hope you shut the door on your way in. Think I forgot to close it. Hope Lily's not too rattled.]_

He was confused. But she looked so frightened, in distressed, _in tears_. Was this to do with earlier? Him leaving so quickly after he pieced that she liked Eddie? Was she upset and about to bitch to her friend about how men are so stupid?

Alicia had been persistent that he didn't go but he still walked out, embarrassment shown on his cheeks as he realised he dumped someone for a taken another.

He decided, to head inside Lily's house. His heart once again jumping about in his chest when he could see her weakly trying to reach her phone, all colour drained from her face.

"Lily!"

He knelt beside her, taking his coat off to slip it under her head as he took a throw pillow and placed it somewhere where it would be comfortable for her.

"Lily, it's Ethan. Can you hear me?" He asked, little patting her face to wake her up once she fainted from exhaustion.

When her eyes weakly met his, he looked down to see a pool of blood and amniotic fluid.

"You're in labour, have you had any contractions yet?"

She shrugged, not all there as she seemed to be in a state of shock.

"I'm-I'm not ready... I'm so scared... I don't want this-"

"Sh, you're going to be just fine," Ethan assured her. "I'm going to get some towels-"

"Stay with me. I don't want to do this al-" A wave of pain halted her sentence as she let out a blood-curdling yell, squeezing his hand.

"Lily try and not push just yet, okay?"

"I have to!"

Ethan shook his head, brushing her hair from her face. "Not yet. Okay? I'll be right back," he winced, slipping his hand from her grip.

When he returned a short while later, he took her hand and gave it a squeeze to remind her she wasn't alone.

"Okay, I'm going to prop you up and check what's happening-"

"You are _not_ seeing my downstairs, Ethan!" Lily cried out.

He let out a soft chuckle. "There's my Lily. Where's that woman been, huh? I'm going to have to, I'll have you know, I've done this before."

Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she breathed heavily. "The-The blood..."

"It's completely normal, Lily. You know this." He knew she'd forget with the worry and traumatic situation so he did everything in his power to relax her state of mind. "Did you talk about a birthing plan?" He asked, lifting her dress up. "Whale music? New-Age-"

"No! None of those. I was going to do this with just gas and air. No epidurals..."

"Well, I don't think you'll have any epidurals since these babies want to come out here and now."

Lily frowned. "No... Please, no."

"I know, Lily but I think the babies are in charge right now. Can I... Do you want to wait until the ambulance gets here, I know there's so roadworks and traffic going on but if you don't want me to do anything - I know it's an invasion of your privacy-"

"We've had sex. Just go for it," Lily hissed out.

Glad he was wearing gloves after finding towels, he took a deep breath and went for it.

"Oh."

Lily's eyes widened. "'Oh' what?"

"You're not crowning. We'll have to get you to the hospital as soon as possible, Lily. Due to the pre-eclampsia, you might be subject to have placenta abruption and I just want to make sure because-"

"We're going to die..." Lily whispered quietly, tears slipping down her cheeks.

"You're not. I'm here and you're in the best hands at the moment. I may not be an expert but I'm not going to let you die. I'll check up on Iain but you just hang in there."

Ethan stood up and headed to the kitchen, quickly calling Iain.

"Where are you? We might have a severe case on our hands, one we'll have to call in ahead... at Holby."


	46. Chapter 46

**Sorry, this chapter was short. I'm planning to hopefully bring back Dylan's wise words of wisdom next chapter if it coincides with the episode. If it doesn't I'll try and fit it in somewhere along with Sam and Jacob's blossoming relationship so they can both give each other advice.**

* * *

"We can get her to St. James," Iain said to Ethan as soon as he and Jan came into sight and followed Ethan inside.

"We can't," argued Ethan. "She's at risk!"

Iain sighed. "St. James is closer at this moment of time and their team is ready. There are roadblocks all the way going to Holby hospital."

Ethan nodded. "Just get her calm and we'll decide the next plan of action."

Once Lily was settled in hospital, Ethan decided to head home, knowing his services would no longer be needed now Lily had Iain by her side.

But something hurt him.

The excitement, fear and anticipation of being a father no longer rested on his shoulders. He felt drained and confused, unsure of what to do.

Going to work the next morning, he felt deflated, not really in the mood to do anything or deal with anyone. Especially Eddie but as his mentor, he'd have to put his feelings aside and act professionally.

"Dr Hardy, my office."

Ethan nodded, gesturing for Eddie to continue on without him before following Connie into the warmly lit room, allowing her to close the door behind him.

"Have you heard from Lily? She's not replying or answering any texts or calls."

"Oh, I forgot to inform you. Lily was admitted to hospital last night. She was bleeding and her water had broken. I should also tell you that she has placenta abruption."

Connie gasped quietly as she held her hand to her mouth. "Okay, thank you. I'll see her as soon as I can. Where is she? She wasn't admitted here, was she? I would know."

"St. James. It made sense, they treated her before the bedrest orders."

She nodded, crossing her arms. "I saw Iain was in. So, neither one of you are with her?"

"Why would I be?" Ethan asked.

Connie nodded and pursed her lips. "So, you're avoiding her? Both of you?"

"Her mother is there, I think she'll be fine. And if you'd let me, I'd like to get back to work."

He left without another word spoken between them. His business was none of hers. Not any more. Especially after the whole cancer situation. He couldn't let himself go through that again, he had to look out for number one.

As the hours went by, he received a text from Connie.

 _[Lily's just got out of the theatre. She's now a mummy to a beautiful boy and gorgeous girl.]_

Ethan allowed himself to smile, especially when a photograph of a tired Lily looking over two newborns made it to his phone.

"Who's that?"

Ethan jumped, turning around to see Eddie looking over his shoulder.

"Don't you mind your own business?"

Eddie smirked a little, raising an eyebrow. "I never thought we were allowed to have our phones out during our shifts."

Ethan resisted the urge to roll his eyes or even punch him as he locked his phone and slipped it into his pocket.

"I'll have you know that it was from Mrs Beauchamp. If you really must know who she is, she's a friend of ours who used to work here. Now, let's see how many patients you can treat before the end of your shift."

Walking away, he released a deep sigh of relief, almost praising himself for resisting the urge to hit Eddie's smug face.

Professionalism at its best.


	47. Chapter 47

**Dylan and Ethan's friendship moments will be in the upcoming chapters. I had to write this instead as one turned up in the last episode and the other didn't. Enjoy.**

* * *

Ethan tried to muster up a bright smile as soon as the door swung open.

"There's my best friend. How are the twins doing?" He asked, entering and closing the door behind him.

He resisted the urge to mention the sick on Lily's oversized shirt, she looked as sleep deprived as it was.

"One's refusing to match the other's sleeping pattern and the other keeps throwing up. Iain came over during the week but then he'd be on call. I just feel as if I haven't properly recovered from..." She drifted off, tears watering her eyes as she took a deep breath. "I'm in so much pain, I'm regretting asking to be discharged so early. What made me think I could do this? Raise two kids on my own?"

She sat down, rubbing her hands over her face.

One of the babies began to cry and Lily let out a frustrated cry, getting up again to gently carry the child from their crib and place them against her chest.

"You just want to be held, don't you?" She whispered gently.

Ethan sighed, bringing his arms out to gesture for her to give him the baby. "I've got this. Go and have a shower or even a bath. Take as long as you need to."

Lily frowned, almost unsure as she gently pressed the child further into her chest. "It's okay. I'm fine."

"Lily..." Ethan gently warned, almost chastising her. "Give me the baby and sort yourself out."

She finally gave in, passing her newborn daughter to Ethan who smiled as soon as his hands held the small child.

"God, she's so tiny."

"Yeah, she was the smallest out of the two." Lily quietly admitted. "Thank you."

Ethan looked up with a smile. "You're welcome. You and Iain must be so happy."

Something flashed across her eyes as she plastered on a fake smile, finally noticing the baby sick on her chest.

"Oh, crap-"

"Go and have a shower, go on!" Ethan almost shooed her.

She nodded, heading to her bedroom as Ethan continued to rock the baby, side to side, singing a little soothing nursery rhyme he remembered from his own childhood. It made him wonder if Lily or her mother sang any Chinese nursery rhymes if there were any they knew. He knew that these children would grow up to be intelligent and intellectual people.

The other twin began to fuss and Ethan stood up to return the little girl back into her crib and give her brother attention.

"Hey, mister. I haven't forgotten about you!" He chuckled lightly, watching as the baby studied him with his wide eyes. He stuffed a fist into his mouth and yawned, closing his eyes tightly before opening them again to observe Ethan's face. "I'm not that attractive to look at, am I? My brother was. He's gone but I'm sure he's watching. But let me tell you something, both of your parents are very good looking people so I have no doubt that you'll steal hearts when you're older. As well as looks, you'll have brains. Oh, and your sister too," he added once the little girl gurgled. "Just promise me, your Uncle Ethan, that you'll give your mum an easy time, yeah? She's been through a lot and she's just as scared as you both are right now but we're all here to help you all."

The child fell asleep against his chest and he gently returned him back to his crib, smiling when noticed that his sister had fallen asleep too.

"How did you do that?"

He turned around to find Lily in a fresh pair of trackies, her hair wet.

"Get them to sleep together?"

Ethan shrugged. "I sang, I gave them life lessons..."

Lily closed the gap between them, hugging him tightly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. What are their names, you never told me."

"Yes, I did. You were the first person I spoke about names to, remember?"

"So?"

She smiled softly, turning so they were looking over the sleeping infants.

"Ethan, meet my firstborn, Scarlett Mei-Ying Rose Chao and her little brother, Callen Caleb Mencius Chao."

A bright smile lit up on Ethan's face as he waved lightly at the children. "What do their Chinese names mean?" He asked.

"Mencius means the eldest son or power. He is my 'eldest' son and his name has power. His name was the name of the man who saved my life who happened to be my best friend's brother. An amazing pair of men who saved my lives. I will forever be grateful for what you did the night they came. Without you... I'd be dead. They'd be dead..." She quickly smiled again. "Mei-Ying means a beautiful flower. Scarlett's my little cherry blossom. Callen's my cherry bloom."

"Honestly, motherhood is suiting you well, Lily." He kissed the side of her head and they continued to watch as the twins slept.


	48. Chapter 48

**Sorry, this is late, there was a lot but not that much to go on. Enjoy.**

* * *

Why? Why did he tell her?

Why?

As Ethan downed his third gin and tonic of the night, Dylan joined him.

"Just an orange juice, please." He waved over the bartender. "What brings you here?" He aimed at Ethan.

Ethan shrugged, sniffling as he asked the bartender to get him a whiskey neat. "Did you just come here for an orange juice?"

Dylan raised his eyebrow at the thought of his question answered with another question.

"Yes, because my car is in the garage and my taxi home is not arriving for another," he checked his watch. "Fifteen minutes. So, what brings you here?"

"I messed up with Alicia..." Ethan whispered. "And there seems to be an even bigger void in my chest."

Dylan frowned, slowly sipping on his orange juice as he decided to change the topic. "Sam and Jacob are a thing. So, that's happening... now."

Ethan turned to him. "How do you feel about that?"

"I don't feel anything. They make a lovely couple. Easily balance each other... out."

Ethan allowed himself to smirk a little at Dylan's unsure pauses.

"I guess when she was with other people away from me, I didn't mind but I have to go to work, knowing I'd see the both of them together. Don't get me wrong, I've moved on from her and Jacob's a good man but Sam's worrying about me just made me think... what if we made it work? But forget me, I'm talking utter nonsense and-"

"I slept with Lily and now she's had two beautiful children and there was this whole 'who's the daddy?' debacle..."

Dylan jolted back, flabbergasted as he slowly turned to Ethan's sheepish gaze before it quickly looked down at the whiskey he nursed.

"Lily as in Lily Chao, Lily? When did that happen?!"

"Last Autumn. She and Iain had some argument and we... ended up in bed. I haven't told anyone except Mrs Beauchamp because she knows _everything_ and she found out during a call with Lily but it feels good to finally get it out."

 _It's not the only thing you got off your chest today, isn't it Ethan_ , Ethan's mind cruelly said.

"This takes me back to our conversation a couple of months ago about who you'd rather end up with."

Ethan smiled a little. "High-strung against laidback." He sighed forlornly. "I miss them both."

"You look like you do. You also look like you need to stop drinking."

Ethan agreed, deciding to leave his unfinished whiskey as he leant his head against the cool wood of the bartop.

"I feel empty, Dylan."

He felt a gentle pat on his back as Dylan paid the bartender.

"I know you do. Now, let's get you home."

...

Alicia smiled as brightly as she could once Lily opened the door.

"Hi..."

Lily stood aside to let her through. "Hello, Alicia."

"About last week-"

"It doesn't matter," Lily smiled. "Do you want to meet your godchildren?"

Alicia nodded, finally slapping a genuine smile on her face. "God, please."

Lily beamed, leading the blonde into the living room where the twins were awake, kicking their legs and arms up in the air as they made soft coos and gurgles.

"They're so beautiful... Can I...?" She asked, gesturing towards the little boy.

"As long as you give his sister the equal amount of love."

Alicia grinned, an idea popping into her mind. "How about I sit down with both of them in my arms?"

The two women worked to place each twin onto each arm, making Alicia smile brightly in glee.

"Oh my God... They came out of you and they're so gorgeous. But then again, look at you!"

Lily blushed, placing two mugs of tea on the coffee table. "Connie and my mother stop by regularly. The latest gossip I've had from the hospital is that Connie's fish is dead."

Alica burst out laughing, the first genuine smile she had in a while. Maybe some time with her good friend would do her good but...

"Ethan gave me some shocking news this night..." She whispered.

"What was it?" Lily asked, sitting beside her.

"He let Scott Ellison die, Lily. He killed him."

Lily's eyebrows raised as she shook her head. "No, I treated him - I know how he died, I read the coroner's report, it wasn't my fault nor Ethan's for that matter. He wasn't even in the room-"

"He was, Lily. Scott went into asphyxiation and choked on his own vomit and Ethan just walked away."

Lily's jaw set as she took a deep breath in, returning the twins into their cribs to properly talk about the situation. "Ellison's death was accidental, Alicia. I read the report and so did Mrs Beauchamp-"

"Lily-"

"You weren't even there. You didn't know what happened that day."

Alicia's eyes watered. "Ask him yourself." She finally ended the conversation.

"Are you ever going to tell me what you wanted to that night?"

Alicia shook her head. "No, I'm good thanks. One of those days."

Lily didn't believe her but she wasn't willing to press on it.

"Okay," she replied. "We'll do this on your terms."


	49. Chapter 49

"Why did you tell her?"

Ethan sighed, shrugging. "I had to be honest with her. I love her, Lily. Our relationship should be built on the truth and not lies or secrets-"

"She could go to the police with this, Ethan!" Lily cried out, exasperated. "I can't deal with the twins and now you potentially being handed to the police. Tell Alicia that you don't know what you're talking about, that you only felt that way after seeing that woman or something. I told her that I had the results from the coroner so it-"

"I don't want to lie to her. Lying will get us nowhere..."

Ethan stood up, placing his tea mug in the sink before washing it and setting it down to dry upside down. He made his way back to where he had sat with Lily to get his coat.

"I should get going. Thanks for the tea."

"You don't look too happy..." Lily noted. "What happened? I know you saw Professor Gaskell and Ms MacMillan from upstairs. What did they say?"

"It won't work. I'm not even a suitable candidate."

Lily sighed softly. "I'm so sorry, Ethan..." Her eyes drifted towards her children who were sound asleep. "I'm glad that-"

"Don't, Lily. Please, don't do that. I know that you and Iain are so happy about them being his but don't start saying things like that. You can't... Not that I'm not glad that one of them won't get the gene but because it makes the reality of never having kids real. I can't do that to a child, can I? When I thought that I was... I just thought we'd handle it together when the time came because I would never ask you to have an abortion or anything but now... I think that I will stick to adopting or anything else."

She frowned, her heart breaking as she pulled him in for a tight hug.

"Oh, Ethan... Having children is a wonderful experience, one I hope you'll get to experience one day but don't rule off having your own. Your birth mum had you and Cal, didn't she? And Cal... didn't... have it. Maybe if you have one child, what are the odds that they'll carry the gene?" She asked.

Ethan gave her a soft smile. "I have to go but I'll be back later this week."

"Yeah, I'll see you."

She placed a soft kiss on his cheek and he left soon after just as one of the twins began to cry.

"Here we go again..." She mumbled.

...

"Finally got you back downstairs," Elle joked as she saw Ethan head towards the nurses' station. "How was Keller?"

Ethan gave her a little smile. "Just as rushed off their feet as we are."

"Well, I'm off home. Finally got my two days off."

"Enjoy them, Elle. See you next week!" Ethan replied, looking up with a smile. His eyes caught Alicia who abruptly put Bea down after something the latter had said. They shared a glance at each other before looking at Eddie and back at each other again.

To say Ethan was curious would be saying the least. Did Eddie sleep with them both? But wasn't Bae batting for the other side and-

"Ah, you're back."

Ethan gave Dylan a small smile as he continued to write down notes. "Yes, I am. I missed the ED so I eventually decided to come back."

Dylan chuckled lightly, sighing when the new paramedic passed them with Iain and Sam, nervously. He also didn't notice the semi-hostile looks Ethan got from Iain.

"What do you make of Ruby?"

"The new paramedic?" Ethan asked. Once replied with a nod, he continued, "I think she's going to settle in fine. Everyone's a stickler for the rule book but maybe if she could loosen up a bit _and_ maybe not give a novel's perspective of a rundown once receiving a patient, she'll be fine. But everyone's first days are difficult, wasn't mine, if I can recall? But sometimes, common sense can overrule the rulebook."

Dylan begrudgingly nodded. "I agree. She should not give up just yet. None of us did. If we did, we'd have no doctors or nurses helping hospitals run and the mortality rate would go high. Anyway, aren't things alright between you and Iain, now that the whole debacle is over?"

Ethan rolled his eyes. "I hoped so. I guess, it would never go away. I did..." He began to lower his voice, leaning closer to Dylan. "Sleep with his on-off girlfriend. Anyone would be annoyed and then the whole situation after... But we're on good terms after I got Lily to seek treatment."

"Treatment?"

"Oh, pre-eclampsia. I'll tell you later if you're up for a drink?"

Dylan hesitated. "I would but Dervla's under the weather-"

"That's fine."

"So, I'll admit her to the vet during my break and that frees up my evening. Say, eight?"

Ethan winced. "Makeup time. I'd say half-past."

"Good. See you, then."

Ethan gave him an affirming nod and continued with his shift, wondering what he was going to do about Alicia.


	50. Chapter 50

**We are at fifty chapters! Halfway to a hundred and eighteen more chapters than I am usually used to writing a story, even when it is a sequel! Here's your weekly dose of Casualty, three days late but as we get better episodes, quicker chapters will come out but then again, the good chapters take a couple of days to write as well as the hard chapters... Ignore me! I'm just so happy either way to write this and in general, so enjoy!**

* * *

Lily opened the door to reveal Alicia standing behind it, nervously, Her eyes were bloodshot red and the brunette noticed they weren't alone.

"Bea, this is Lily. Lily, this is Bea. Bea is a junior doctor with Rash," Alicia quickly explained. "I'm so sorry to keep dropping by so unexpectedly but I really needed to talk to you since you're my good friend."

Lily nodded, letting the two females in before closing the door behind them. She quickly rushed to the kitchen to prepare the kettle for three teas.

"Sorry for the mess," Lily said.

Alicia looked around, frowning when there was barely any mess, give or take the occasional toy or burping towel and milk bottle.

"Your house looks like a showroom, like one of those ones on those maternity adverts..." Bea rambled, nervously sitting down on Lily's plush grey armchair.

"Thanks," Lily smiled softly. "Instead of having a shower whilst they were napping, I just cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. My hands are aching but at least everything's presentable."

Bea looked perplexed. "'They'?"

"Twins," Alicia turned to her. "Lily gave birth to twins. Sorry, I didn't really tell you anything about her. Lily was a registrar at Holby before she moved to Hong Kong on a placement before becoming their ED's Head of Department. She fell pregnant shortly before she left Holby and here she is, a mother of _twins_."

Lily laughed. "I think you've broken her-"

"She's Wonder Woman!" Bea breathed out.

"Not Wonder Woman but thank you." Lily smiled, handing them both teas before bringing a small pitcher of milk and a tub of sugar. "I'm not drinking coffee until I've stopped breastfeeding. Not that I have to but I don't want to take any chances."

Alicia took a sip of her tea, her hand shaking as she remembered why she came to visit.

Although she'd love some quality time with her godchildren, she had to tell Lily why she kept blowing it off, kept turning up and running away after.

"So," Lily said softly. "What brings you here?" She sipped her tea. "What do you want to _tell_ me?"

Alicia allowed herself to smile a little. Lily could always read people, know what they wanted to do yet she never pressed them unless she felt like it.

"I... I uh," Alicia stammered, watching as Bea softly egged her on. "I... I was-" She took a sharp intake of breath, closing her eyes. "I was raped," she finally croaked out.

Lily blinked, placing her mug on the coffee table as she placed her hand on her knee, taking it in. She furrowed her brows before turning to Alicia.

"Was it Ethan?"

Alicia's eyes widened. "God, no! No, Lily! It-It was a guy at-at work."

"Eddie, he's the new junior doctor..." Bea chimed in.

"Have you told Ethan?" Lily asked quietly.

The blonde shook her head. "I-I couldn't. Not after everything. Also, I wasn't able to tell anyone except Bea when she practically had to force it out of me. I've seen someone - am seeing someone to come to terms with it. That's where I'm at."

"Can you go to the police - press charges?"

"What's the point? I don't have evidence and it's a matter of 'he said, she said'. I just want to get on with my life."

"But you're working with this guy day, in day out. If you want, you could come and stay with me for a while in Hong Kong."

Alicia shook her head. "You're not going until later this year. He doesn't even know he did it but I didn't consent to anything..." She sniffled, wiping her tears. "I've wanted to tell you, Lily but I didn't want you to think that I was... I was..."

Lily moved closer to the blonde, wrapping her arms tightly around her as she kissed her hair, Alicia sobbing.

"I would never think less of you. My little girl needs a great role model as a godmother and she has one, no matter what happened to you. She would learn how to be strong and fierce as you, Alicia. How you're dealing with this is good. You've talked to people, Bea and I and now this therapist and together, we'll help you get somewhere where you can start living your life again, away from fear."

Bea turned to face Lily. "She has nightmares, she doesn't even sleep in her own bed."

Sighing, Lily ran a hand through Alicia's hair. "Would the both of you mind staying here for a little while. The twins do not cry during the night, they sleep through luckily but it's no problem."

"I'd like that. Not forever though. Just two days, max." Alicia whispered. "I don't want to disturb your routine."

"Nonsense. The twins' cribs can be in my bedroom or I'll put them in their Moses baskets my mother bought. You can sleep in the cubby and I'll have the sofa bed done for Bea."

"No, it's okay, I can stay at our place. But I think Alicia really needs a good night's sleep. I can pick you up every morning or night before work."

Alicia reached her hand out for Bea's who took it just as eagerly. "Do you mind?"

"Not at all. I want you to heal. You need to get better."

"I don't know what I'd do without the both of you," Alicia cried. "You're so good to me after everything."

Lily smiled softly. "Well, we've worked too hard for this relationship, I'd hate for anything to break it. I'm here for you, forever and always."

"So, what happens now?" Bea asked.

"I'd like to visit Holby and check on you."

"You don't have to-"

Lily cut her off, "I do. It's time. I need to stop hiding. I'll even bring the twins. This is for you, Alicia. If you don't mind, I'd like to give this 'Eddie' a piece of my mind."

Bea nodded. "Me too."

The three of them burst out into giggles but it was shortlived when consecutively cries erupted.

"I've got this!" Alicia said, a little excited. "You stay and drink your tea."

And for the first time in a while, things were looking up for the blonde.


	51. Chapter 51

**I know I missed the Saturday before's upload so there will be two chapters going up this week. Both before the new season this Saturday so I hope you guys enjoy them. I've missed Ethan so let's bring him back for this chapter and probably the next as this story is about him haha. Enjoy. Oh, and it's a little short since it's a filler :)**

* * *

"I really needed this, Lils..." Ethan breathed out, smelling the fresh air of seawater as the tide blew the waves over his feet. "Look, Callen's loving it!"

Lily smiled before frowning slightly. "He looks cold. Can you wrap him up a little more, please?"

Ethan chuckled, doing as he was told. "It's not that cold-"

"It rained the whole way here! It may be thirty-six degrees somewhere but not in Wales!" Lily retorted, hugging her daughter close to her chest. "Alicia came and saw me..."

"We haven't spoken in ages. How was she?" Ethan asked sadly as he brought the small boy flush against his chest.

Lily shrugged, not quite wanting to admit what had happened, he'd find out soon anyway.

"Fine. More or less came for the twins rather than a chat."

Ethan laughed, kissing the small child's head. "They just steal everyone's hearts, don't they? If it's any consolation, I would have come for a chat."

"Of course you would," she smiled softly. She sighed. "I wish Iain had time off so we could be doing this as a family but you're fine, I guess."

"Oh, thanks(!) Here I was thinking, my company was appreciated!" Ethan grinned. "Want to get something to eat? Saw an old pub down the road."

Lily shook her head. "Not just yet. I want to see the sunset."

"We have a whole week to see the sunset, Lils. Come on, let's get you all fed and we'll go back to the B&B and watch a movie."

Lily finally agreed, letting Ethan take over as they headed back to his car and strapped each twin into their designated car seat before they were on their way down to the pub for a curry meal.

During the drive, Lily felt bad. She had left Alicia in her moment of need and she had promised to visit the hospital and see how she was getting on.

"What's on your mind?" Ethan asked, glancing over at her quickly. "Are you okay? You seem upset. Maybe, I should turn back and let you watch that sunset-"

"I'm fine, Ethan."

Ethan shook his head. "No, I'm turning this car back around and-"

"I'm fine!" Lily cried out. "I'm fine, Ethan. God, just because I look upset doesn't mean I am. I'm just tired."

"Sorry. I freak out and... I just want you to have a good time as well as me. We both need this after everything." He sighed, taking one of her hands and squeezing it. "I know you wish Iain was here but I promised him that I'd make this one of the best weeks of your life and I have every intention to do so."

Lily gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand back before letting go and turning around to check on the twins from the mirror attached to the headrests on the seats.

"They're asleep."

"Ah, that's good. Shall I play a little classical music? Get their brains up and running?"

Lily chuckled, turning the radio on herself to the classical music channel before leaning back and enjoying the ride.

"Thank you, Ethan. I know we haven't been as close in a long while but I'm glad to be being on this trip with you even though I wanted Iain to be here."

"You're welcome. I'm just happy to finally get out of the ED and spend some much needed time with my best friend."

Smiling at each other, Ethan continued driving, the both of them in comfortable silence.


	52. Chapter 52

**A short but dramatic chapter for you guys :) Enjoy!**

* * *

Ethan and Lily's week away had been wonderful. It was exactly what the both of them needed and it allowed Lily to get much-needed rest as Ethan played the role of the doting godfather, willing to feed, burp or change the twins at every minute.

As they drove back home to Holby, Lily's phone rang and buzzed with texts and calls.

"Someone's popular," Ethan joked.

Lily hummed in reply, looking through her texts to see something alarming.

[Bea Kinsella: Eddie's been arrested.]

[Alicia Munroe: Are you on your way back home? I need to speak to you.]

"Can you pull over? I need to make a private call."

Ethan frowned, pulling over by the side of the road as Lily got out and dialled Alicia's number on her phone but she got no reply.

She tried Bea but it was the same.

Checking the time, she saw it was about three in the afternoon. They'd be in the middle of a shift.

"How long will it take to get back home?" Lily called out into the car.

"Two hours give or take!"

Lily sighed. Her phone had no bloody signal and they weren't due back home until five-ish but it seemed as if it was an emergency.

"Lily, there's a storm coming. We need to get to get to a B&B." Ethan told her, glancing up at the darkening skies.

"Fine. I'll probably get signal there," she finally agreed, getting back inside the car.

It was another thirty minutes until they finally arrived at the B&B to stay for the night but something inside Lily said that she needed to get back. That Ethan needed to get back too.

She tried Bea and Alicia again and again once they got to the B&B but it was to no avail as they both didn't answer.

"Uh, call me back when you get this. I'm here if you need me," Lily said into the voicemail before hanging up and rubbing her face.

"What's wrong?" Ethan asked.

Lily sighed, shaking her head. "You'll know eventually but not now. Let's just get the twins to sleep and order some room service."

Ethan agreed but something told him that there was obviously more to what she was saying. But he didn't want to put any stress on her.

It was past eight when Lily became restless in the twin bed that was beside his own and he finally sat up.

"Lily?"

"We need to get back home, Ethan. I feel something and it's... it doesn't feel _right_."

One of the twins began to fuss and Ethan immediately got up and rocked Scarlett, also placing a hand gently on Callen's rising and falling chest as the young boy slept.

"You get our things, I'll strap these two in their car seats."

Lily smiled at him, grateful for him listening as she got out and slipped her jacket on, packing everything in their travel bags.

When they were finally back on the road again, the rainfall falling hard against the windscreen, Lily decided to call Bea.

"Hey, thanks for picking up. How are things at Holby?"

"I'm actually about to board a flight to Paris but Alicia's home. You can give her a call," the redhead smiled.

Lily sighed in relief. "Okay, yeah. Thank you."

They hung up and Lily tried Alicia as Bea told her to but was confused when there was no reply.

"Okay, what's going on, Lily? You've been acting weird all week!" Ethan cried out.

Lily turned to face him. "Get us home and you'll find out."

So, Ethan drove and drove until the rain disappeared and they were back on the outskirts of Holby, going home.

But then they found themselves being stopped and diverted.

"What's going on?" Ethan asked, winding down his window to speak with the traffic warden.

"A big RTC. I'm going to need you to-"

Then the explosion happened.


	53. Chapter 53

**Turns out that Ethan was at the hospital so I'm going to twist this fact by explaining that by having them (only Ethan goes in) stop by the ED then continue to Alicia's house as Ethan 'had plans' which were to see Alicia with Lily. So, on their way over there, they come face to face with the accident. Then we'll carry on from Saturday's episode.**

* * *

"OK, I'm going to have to tell you to reverse! Reverse!" The traffic warden yelled.

Lily was thankful that they were a good amount of yards away from the explosion.

"We need to get to the ED, ASAP. I'm sure they'll need all hands on deck," she told him.

Ethan agreed and they turned back, thanking wardens as they redirected traffic safely.

It took thirty-five minutes but they arrived at the hospital just as Connie exited to take a patient.

"Dr Hardy. Good, you're here. I'd like you in Resus please and treating Dr Munroe."

Both Lily's and Ethan's eyes widened as Ethan rushed out of the car, immediately joining Alicia by her side as she was wheeled in.

"I can call upstairs and order emergency placement at the creche if you want to scrub in temporarily?" Connie asked Lily.

It was the first time she was leaving her children but she agreed, getting out of the car and handing Connie the keys which Ethan had still left in the ignition.

She smiled sadly at Connie and braced herself for returning to the place which held so many memories - both bad and good and wondered how she came to be working there again.

"Dr Chao!" Rash said, surprised. He was about to say something more but quickly followed Alicia and Ethan into Resus.

Throughout the time she took to enter the ED and head into the familiar staffroom to get changed, many people recognised her and shared their own shock and surprise at her return.

"Nurse Fairhead," Lily greeted, taking a patient's notes. "Very good to see you."

"And you, Dr Chao," Charlie replied. "Wish it was on better terms."

Lily nodded and followed Louise and a patient.

"Where's Iain, is he at the scene?"

"He was involved in the RTC," Louise explained. "It was his ambulance which crashed with Alicia and Ruby inside. Ruby's the new paramedic."

Lily's heart dropped a little but she pushed it aside as she realised that Alicia was safe at the hospital, Iain was probably safe and doing what he did best. Helping people.

"Dr Gardner," she greeted, smiling at her former colleague as they passed each other with their respective patients.

It felt like déjà vu.

Maternity leave had her feeling all sorts of anxious, uncertainty and other things.

"The twins are perfectly fine upstairs," Connie whispered in her ear as they treated the patient.

"Thank you," Lily replied. "BP's dropping!" Lily announced.

Her team, including Connie, Dylan and Robin, began to work on the patient, each doing their part with fluidity and precision.

She missed this.

She even missed the butterflies she felt when she saw Iain. She gave him a curt but happy nod when she saw him wheel another patient into Resus.

 _Thank God!_

Upstairs, Ethan felt awful when Alicia rebuffed him.

At least she could have told Lily. Anyone.

"Did you tell Lily?" He asked the blonde.

"It's none of your business." Alicia faltered.

Then it dawned on him. Everyone knew except him.

"She knew." He stated. "That's why she was so eager to return home..."

He returned to treating her but he knew their conversation wasn't over yet.

He had to be there for her.

He still loved her.

He never stopped.

"I'm going to be here for you, Alicia. Along with everyone else. But I'm going to get you through this."

Downstairs, Lily was nursing a tea after an intense temporary shift.

She saw Iain walk in, shocked and in distress.

"Iain," she smiled, getting up to finally hug him.

She shivered, feeling the room grow colder but she shrugged it off as she was wearing Ethan's hoodie.

"I know today's been a great shock to all of our systems," she began once she realised he wasn't going to start up a conversation. "It felt weird just getting back into motion, working with Mrs Beauchamp and everyone else. It felt right. I'm just relieved that the twins had a-"

He burst out into sobs and Lily frowned, bringing him in for a tighter hug.

"Iain? You're scaring me..."

"She's gone, Lily." He said, heartbroken. "She's gone..."

"I'm sorry. I wished there was more we could do to save Mia-"

Iain looked at her in disbelief. "Where have you been for the last bloody five minutes, Lily?! Not Mia - Sam!"

Lily froze, confused. "I... I don't get it? How can Sam be gone? She wasn't-"

"She was hit with shrapnel. We didn't realise until it was too late in the ambulance bay. Seriously, where were you when we wheeled her dead body in?!"

"I-I was upstairs... I went to check on the twins... Iain, I'm so sorry-"

"Are you though?" He retorted. "Are you _really_ sorry? I mean, didn't we break up because of your jealousy of her?"

Lily recoiled, hurt. She wanted to say something back but she deduced it down to hurt, confusion and grief.

"I'm going to head home with the twins. I'll have Ethan drop me off but if you need me..."

She left it at that, collecting Ethan's things for him before looking back at Iain and heading upstairs.

When she arrived, she saw Ethan curled up beside Alicia, soft smiles on their faces.

She smiled sadly and tentatively broke their peace.

"Lily!" Alicia breathed out in relief. "Wow, you look..."

"I know. Didn't expect that I'd ever work here again."

"Thank you. For everything."

"Always," Lily whispered. "I, uh, hate to break this up but Ethan, I really do think we need to get back home."

Alicia frowned. "'We'? Are you together?"

Lily burst out laughing as Ethan's eyes widened.

"No! I brought the twins, Alicia. Although no one knows, I'm sure they will now but we can hopefully leave by the other exit but Ethan's car's parked in front of the ED courtesy of Mrs Beauchamp."

"Oh, Lily... I'm sorry your secret's coming out."

"It's fine. It's worth it. I'm done living a world full of lies and secrets. Now, I want to hug my babies and sleep."

Ethan got off the bed, kissing Alicia's head. "I'll be back in the morning even though I want to stay so bad. I've been driving for hours.

"I promise to bring the twins to visit you tomorrow morning, too."

After bidding the blonde 'goodnight', the two friends retrieved the twins and headed downstairs to the ED.

"Why do you look so sad? I know that it's going to be hard-"

"Iain... Iain lashed out at me because... Sam... Sam died."

Ethan frowned just as the lift doors beeped open and some eyes were on them. Ethan was carrying Callen in his car seat as Lily carried Scarlett in hers.

"What the...?" Louise muttered.

"Wait, Sam's _dead_?" Ethan asked.


	54. Chapter 54

**It's late, I know! Hope you enjoy :)**

* * *

After the twenty-fifth call went unanswered, Lily finally gave up, sending a sad smile at Ethan as he sighed.

"He'll answer, just give him time."

Lily shook her head, loading up the final suitcase in Ethan's boot.

"You see, Ethan... This... this was exactly all it took to realise that I never was an option for Iain. It was always going to be Sam."

"Sam was with Jacob though," Ethan gently stated. "He couldn't have loved her more than he loves you."

" _Loved_ , Ethan. Iain loved me but he did love her. Back then and now... I have to get back to Hong Kong. Being back at the ED made me realise how much I miss working."

Ethan sighed. "What about the twins?"

"My mother's coming with me and staying until December before we come back for holiday."

"I'll miss you... Will you at least see Alicia before you go?" Ethan asked. "She's been asking to see you and the twins. I don't know how she'll take the news of your sudden leave. Bea's gone as well and-"

"It's not forever, Ethan," Lily said, giving him a tight hug. "We will be back."

"Can I drive you down to Alicia? She's staying with me after everything."

Lily smiled before frowning when one of the twins began to cry.

"Let's make it quick. My flight leaves in two and a half hours and I haven't eaten."

After a short drive, they arrived at Ethan's home which brought back unsettling memories for Lily. Especially when they passed the steps where she fell ungracefully and hit her head.

She swore she could still see the browning of dried blood on the carpet by the front door.

"She's in the bedroom. I put the TV in there so she didn't have to get up," he smiled at Lily.

He carefully placed Callen's car seat on the sofa before helping Lily place Scarlett beside her brother.

"Go on through, I'll stay."

Lily went inside his room and smiled when Alicia grinned up at her, immediately opening up her arms wide.

"Oh, I've missed you!" Alicia breathed out once the brunette was tightly in her arms on the bed.

"I've missed you too, Alicia." Lily smiled. "I'm actually going back home today with the twins."

Alicia frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I'm cutting my maternity leave down. I'm returning to work next week."

The blonde's eyes widened as tears watered them. She quickly wiped at her eyes and gave Lily a supportive smile.

"I know everything's a bit hectic right now but you can't leave, surely?"

"I have to. You all don't need me here as fun as it was to get back into the swing of things at Holby... I'm just living in the past, I've got my future to think about with the kids..."

Alicia finally agreed, begging the brunette to stay through at least once catch-up episode of Eastenders before Lily took her to her leave, Ethan driving the small family to the airport.

"I remember when you banged on my door and asked if I could pay the cabbie."

Lily burst out in laughter. "Yes! I nearly sent you out to McDonald's for a full meal with loads of drinks."

"Where did all that time go, Lils?"

"I don't know," she replied, turning back to smile at her sleeping children as she watched through the mirror attached to the headrests.

"Your phone's going off."

Lily turned back to the front and picked up her phone which was on silent.

 _Iain_.

"I have to leave the past behind..."

"Do you really have to, though? Iain's been there for the both of you and if you really love him, can't you make things work? Especially for the kids?"

Lily shook her head. "That's the thing... I'm a bad person, Ethan and I don't deserve Iain at all."

"Don't talk rubbish, Lily. You are _not_ a bad person!"

"I lied," she whispered sadly. "I lied and it's going to hurt him really badly."

"What did you lie about?" He asked.

"If I told you, you'd hate me too. Everyone would." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "We're nearly there, I'll call my mother and see where she-"

"What did you lie about, Lily?" Ethan repeated. "You look and sound so guilty. Is it about Sam?"

Lily frowned. "God, no! I wouldn't speak ill of the dead either but Ethan, you honestly don't need to know."

They finally arrived at her terminal and she spotted her mother waiting with a trolley.

Quickly loading the trolley up and fixing up the twins' buggy, Lily gave Ethan one last hug, placing a long kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you for everything. From saving my life when I went into labour to being there the days after."

"You're welcome. See you," he told her.

He watched as Li Na pushed their trolley away, Lily following with the twins.

He just wondered what Lily meant.


	55. Chapter 55

"How did going back to work feel?"

Alicia smiled, snuggling closer to Ethan's side, laying her head on his chest. "Great. I felt back in my element. And now that Eddie pleaded guilty... I can just move on with my life."

Placing a soft kiss on top of her head, Ethan stood up and collected his wallet.

"I don't know about you but this calls for some wine." He grinned.

"I'll choose a movie, be quick!"

"See you in twenty," he told her before leaving and getting into his car.

Driving there would definitely be quicker especially since the supermarket was going to close in thirty minutes.

When he got there, he entered the store and chose a red wine, deciding to get a meat feast pizza for a late dinner.

He didn't expect to see Iain with a basket full of four packs of beer amongst other food shopping.

"Hi," Ethan said softly as the cashier quickly scanned his items.

Iain turned around, giving Ethan a short nod before turning back to his own cashier scanning his shopping.

"Thank you," said Ethan to the cashier once he was done. He went and stood outside by the door to wait for Iain.

When Iain finally appeared, Ethan was by his side in seconds.

"How are you, uh, doing?" Ethan asked. "I know about the suspension, I'm sorry about that-"

"Look, Ethan... You're a good guy other than the time you slept with my girlfriend but I really don't want to be here talking to you about anything. You don't have to be sorry about anything - actions have consequences and I made mine." Iain grumbled out.

Gesturing to Iain's shopping, Ethan said, "Don't drink too much. I did it when Cal died and well, it obviously led to a whole lot of mixed emotions and signals. Lily, she needs you and so does those twins so drinking your problems away will not help anyone."

"Well, she's gone. That shows how much she 'needs' me, Ethan. Hell, I never even was ready for kids and now I'm thrown into a position that I can't even provide for them because knowing the board, I'm going to get fired for good and Sam would have died for nothing but my stupid mistakes."

"Iain...-"

"No. I should have been the one who died. Not Sam. She wasn't even in the bloody accident, all she did was come and help and yet... yet she's gone and I'm here."

Tears started to fall from Iain's cheeks as Ethan stood, unsure of what to do.

"Do you want a lift home?"

"I don't need anything, especially from you." Iain snapped.

He walked away, getting into his car before opening a can of beer and chugging it.

Ethan couldn't leave him like this, his prerogative won't allow him to.

Opening the car door, Ethan snatched the beer can from Iain's hand and threw it in the bin.

"Get out of the car, now."

"Leave me alone, Ethan!"

"Would Sam want you to do this? Her funeral is soon, I presume and would you turn up there drunk?"

Rolling his eyes, Iain wiped the beer from his mouth which has spilt when Ethan snatched it.

"Come on, mate..." Ethan begged. "You're stronger than this, better than this."

"Can you drive me home?"

"Of course."

...

And Ethan's helping hand didn't stop at Alicia and Iain.

"Dylan, shall we go out to the curry place that's just opened down south?" He asked.

Dylan was shocked. They hadn't really spent time together in a while but he wasn't about to reject the offer.

"I'm down. After work?"

After their shift, they went to the curry placed and ordered a korma and vindaloo.

"I'll be on the toilet all day tomorrow but it's worth it because I'm off," Ethan joked.

"Why did you really ask to come out?" Dylan asked.

"After everything, I wondered if you needed a friend."

"I'm seeing someone."

"What?" Ethan was shocked.

Maybe he didn't need his help at all.

"I'm happy for you. Before or after Sam?"

Dylan shrugged. "Does it matter? I've found someone and I am happy despite the fact my former wife was killed unfairly and I never knew she kept me as a next of kin."

"Oh," said Ethan.

"Indeed."

"I remember when I told you about Lily and me... You said that what if you and Sam made it work?"

Dylan's eyebrows raised. "It was nonsense as I told you back then."

"Yeah, but if you did, where would you be now?"

"Probably on our second child with Sam finally convincing me to give Dervla to my little sister."

Ethan smiled softly. "I'm sorry, Dylan."

"Me too."

"Why?"

"For letting you pay for this," he replied. "You see, you offered, you pay."

Ethan chuckled. "Why not?"

"Oh, and I ordered extra rice and popadoms."


	56. Chapter 56

Ethan knew it wasn't his place to do this but he had to.

Iain was sending himself down a downward spiral and both he and Lily were too blind to see that they needed each other.

"Hi, Gem?"

Gem stopped in her tracks and walked up to where Ethan was beckoning her into the staffroom.

"What's up? Did I do something wrong?" She asked nervously. "I know I shouldn't talk too much to Rash when he's working but-"

Ethan shook his head. "I didn't want to talk about that. I wanted to talk about your brother. And... and Lily."

"Now, that's someone I haven't spoken to in a while..." Gem replied, slightly hurt. "I've been trying to get in contact with her but she's avoiding me."

"I doubt that," Ethan said. "She has a new number."

Gem's mouth opened into an 'o'. "Oh."

"I'll give it to you later but now... we have to get those two talking properly. We also have to try and convince Lily to come back with the twins."

"Why?" Gem asked confused. "Doesn't she have that swanky job that she's happy about?"

"Yes but she isn't happy. Not without Iain, she isn't."

Gem sighed. "And with him going through Sam's death and all..."

"They need each other more than ever." Ethan finished. "I'll write you down her number and address and you can probably give her a call or a visit."

She scoffed. "How can I afford a flight to China of all places?"

"I'll loan you the money for a short trip. Anyway, just get reacquainted with her. I'm sure she's missed your friendship."

They were disturbed by Alicia walking in, a confused smile playing on her lips.

"What are you two up to?" She asked them.

"Contacting Lily," Gem blurted out, sending an apologetic glance to Ethan.

Ethan waved it off. "She and Iain need each other. He needs to be there for his kids."

Alicia sighed, agreeing. "I know. At least his job's safe but Lily leaving unexpectedly might have added to the stress. He came to me, you know? Asking whether I contacted her but I played dumb. I don't even know why she left so soon."

"Same here," Ethan replied. "I tried coaxing it out of her these past few weeks but she's not budging."

"We better get back to work. Drink at the pub after to talk more?" Alicia asked them.

Gem nodded. "Yeah, I'll be there."

She'd do anything for her brother.

"I just want to know what's going through her mind. I know she said she was fine with the single mother life but she loves him and he loves her and they are just setting themselves up for heartbreak..." Ethan shook his head sadly.

Alicia bit her lip. "Are you sure he still loves her though? Come on, he's barely acknowledged his own kids even before Sam died. And now she's dead, she's suddenly everything to him. Did he really love Lily, do you think?"

"I don't know. Lily was saying the same thing... About Iain and Sam and her jealousy. Either way, two innocent children are going to be affected by this so we need to choose our next steps wisely."

Getting back to work, the two blondes shared knowing glances with each other whenever Iain passed them with a patient or they saw Gem.

It wasn't the most ethical way to do things but they wouldn't know until they tried it.

"Excuse me?"

Ethan looked up from his patient's notes to see a man standing before him with a suitcase.

"If you need to see someone, you'll have to go reception, sir." Ethan smiled politely.

The man shook his head. "I need to see you specifically."

Ethan resisted the urge to frown. He was busy.

"Okay. How can I help?"

"I don't believe we've met but I did see you with a colleague of mine in Hong Kong."

Ethan's eyes widened. "Oh. What brings you here? I've heard that Lily has returned to her post there."

"Not just yet. She wasn't cleared to. We told her over the phone but the thing is, the hospital asked her to refer to Occupational Health but she never attended and when we called her, it said her location was here."

"When was this?"

"A week and a half ago but something even more strange happened. Concerned, I went to her home to look for her but everything had been cleared out."

"How did you get in?" Ethan asked.

"Landlord. I apologise, we haven't even properly introduced ourselves. Eugene Ling."

Ethan shook his hand. "Ethan Hardy. So, you're Lily's co-worker?"

"Co-worker and boyfriend."

Ethan frowned.


	57. Chapter 57

Ethan thought to himself deeply as he held the orange book in his hand and listened to the soft breathing of sleep coming from Alicia's room.

He couldn't get it out of his mind - Lily _had_ a boyfriend yet she was playing happy families with all of them, even denying that Iain would ever take her back?

He looked down at the written down number, a temporary one for a man from across the world during his short visit to the UK.

Ethan had been too busy, about to ask about what the man meant that he was Lily's boyfriend but Connie had made sure that conversation never happened and Eugene had scribbled his number down neatly on a stickie note Ethan had got from Robyn.

It had been a couple of days since and Ethan berated himself for not giving the man his _own_ number.

Dialling the number, it was quickly picked up.

 _"Is this Dr Hardy?"_ Came the breathless answer.

"Yes. Good evening, Dr Ling. I apologise for the delay in calling, I've been working non-stop these past few days."

Eugene let out a soft chuckle. _"No worries, Dr Hardy. The ED is a busy place and from what I saw during my visit, I wouldn't blame you at all for not finding the time to talk about this situation we have."_

"Indeed. Where shall we start? How did you and Lily meet?" Ethan asked him.

 _"On her first visit with the research team. We hit it off but she was always distant, speaking of her ex-boyfriend back here in Holby. She said their relationship was up and down and I didn't want to pursue any kind of relationship with someone who didn't know where they stood. But the second time, as time went on, she split from him and we started a relationship but by then, I found out about her pregnancy."_

"Do you love her?"

Eugene sighed. _"I do. She's the perfect wife potential, my family approve and her family do too. But her pregnancy affected our relationship. I knew it was going to be hard raising another man's child but when she spoke of their possible fathers, I knew that I would lose her. Your commitments to her, I couldn't go against that, I'd lose, however, she chose me. I guess it was because there was truly no going back for her and her former partner."_

"I'm sorry," said Ethan.

 _"What for? Anyway, it's important that Lily refers to OH because we never knew she'd have such a difficult labour and delivery. That changes how soon she can return to work but if she's determined and her condition proves no harm to her job, she may be able to return sooner than she thought but I doubt it and so do our superiors."_

Ethan nodded. "I understand. I was there when she went into labour, it was a traumatic experience for her and those close to her. We're just glad we didn't lose them."

 _"Do you have any idea where she'd be? We're all worried, my mother was hoping to visit with food, clothes and everything else, probably our whole house,"_ he let out a small laugh. _"But she's gone."_

"I'm sure there is no cause for concern-"

 _"Her mobile's unresponsive, the number's disconnected."_

Ethan's eyes widened. "What? Uh, give me a second."

 _"Of course,"_ said Eugene.

Ethan stood up and crept into Alicia's bedroom but she was already awake, concern written all over her features.

"You're talking about Lily, right? Does he know where she is?"

He shook his head, the phone still on his ear.

"Can you give her a call on both her UK and Hong Kong numbers, please? And try WhatsApp," he told her. "I'm just getting a friend to give her a ring to check, Dr Ling." He aimed the last bit at Eugene.

 _"Thank you,"_ came the reply.

Alicia quickly called the UK number first but the answerphone picked up, claiming that the phone holder was unavailable to pick up. Then she tried the Hong Kong number on her WhatsApp but that had been disconnected.

"I... She's not responding to either of them." Alica frowned.

Ethan nodded. "Thought so. Dr Ling, both numbers a proving unavailable. Do you have her mother's number?"

 _"No, I do not."_ Came Eugene's solemn reply.

"Oh, I do. Give me a minute, do not hang up." Ethan smiled, suddenly glad he remembered.

 _"Okay."_

Ethan brought his phone down to where he could see the screen and quickly headed to his contacts, scanning for names under L.

 _Li Na Chao (Lily's Mum No.)_

He showed it to Alicia and she quickly dialled the number, allowing Ethan to return his phone back onto his ear.

"I've given the number to my friend. She's trying it now." He aimed at Eugene.

 _"Let me know as soon as it picks up,"_ Eugene replied, almost desperately.

Alicia pursed her lips, listening to the phone ring out but then it suddenly picked up.

 _"Hello? Who is this?"_

"Mrs Chao! It's Alicia-"

 _"Oh, Alicia! How are you doing? Lily told me what happened, I was so shocked something bad could happen like that to Lily's best friend. I hope you are well, dear?"_

Alicia's eyes stung with tears. Lily had told her mother they were _best friends_. Alicia looked up at Ethan with a slight smirk.

"I'm doing very well, Mrs Chao-"

 _"Call me Li Na. I let that handsome doctor call me that. That privilege goes to any friends of my daughter, especially ones who save her life and help her with the children. My dear, what can I do for you?"_

"Is Lily with you by any chance, Li Na?"

Li Na chuckled. _"Oh no! I suggested she stay with my sister. You see, she has a very large home, her husband is very wealthy so they invited her to stay with them to help out with the children. My sister never bore any children so she is enjoying playing 'grandmother' for a short while. It's close to the hospital Lily works at if you want the address. Lily told me you visited her during Christmas with Ethan."_

Alicia blew out a sigh of relief. "Yes, please. I have a special delivery for them."

 _"Of course! I'll use WhatsApp to send it through right now. I'm sure you must have been so worried and confused! Lily's phone was stolen so I had to buy her a new one. I'll also text her new number."_

"Thank you so much! I hope you have a great day, I'm going to have to go now."

 _"Okay, dear. Don't hesitate to call any time. Good day."_

Alicia hung up and true to her word, Li Na sent the new number _and_ address.

"Just needed a woman's touch!" She smirked, handing her phone over to Ethan.

"I helped by giving you the number," he chuckled. "Dr Ling, have you got any paper nearby?"

Ethan quickly recalled the information to Eugene and soon their call was finished.

"Thank you," Ethan said.

"No, thank you. If you hadn't of woken me up by accident, I wouldn't have got more support for what I've been through. Lily's always portrayed her mother as a bitch though. I guess having grandchildren has softened the tiger mother inside her."

Ethan gestured out of the room. "I'm going to get back to my book before heading to bed-"

"Can you stay? Not in the bed or anything but on the floor, maybe?" She asked softly. "It's getting dark and..."

"Yes, of course. Let me just get my pillows and duvet."

Watching him leave made Alicia blush and smile a little.

Baby steps.


	58. Chapter 58

**This one is going to be a short one as there wasn't any Ethan or Alicia present in this episode but I was feeling a little phone call from one person to Ethan in their time of need was much needed for this filler chapter. Enjoy.**

* * *

Ethan grumbled, getting out of bed to retrieve his phone which he had inconveniently left by the window when he decided to watch two squirrels battle it out earlier on.

Rubbing his eyes, they became clear to Dylan's name amassed with various of texts which Ethan knew were drunk texts from the look of it.

"Oh, Dylan..." He sighed, taking off his pyjama bottoms and switching them out for jeans.

He kept his pyjama top on, hoping his jacket would keep it hidden anyway, and got his Oxfords on before grabbing his keys and making his way to his car at the dead of night.

When he got to the pub across the place they worked at, Ethan gratefully smiled at the bartender who struggled to keep Dylan up by the closed doors of the pub.

"Alright, Dylan. Let's get you home." Ethan smiled.

Dylan grumbled in reply, using most of his weight to lean against Ethan as they headed to the latter's car and got inside it with different levels of capability.

"Thank... you..." Dylan drawled out, his eyes closing.

"What's wrong, Dylan? Why did you get this drunk? I thought-"

"I could have been... a dad..." Dylan yawned. "A dad..." He repeated, heartbroken.

Ethan frowned, feeling sorry for the man beside him as he drove through the dark and empty streets of Holby.

"You and Sam... You could have been parents, do you mean?" Ethan asked, unsure.

"No... Ciara...!" Dylan whined. "Ciara and I... after Sam's funeral... Ectopic pregnancy."

Ethan tried to remember or fathom who Dylan meant but he was coming up blank. "And Ciara is?"

"Love of... my life. We were AA buddies..."

"Oh, Dylan... I'm so sorry-"

"S'okay. Like you said once..., you could have been one too. With Lily, I mean."

Ethan nodded. "But I'm not. Iain's-"

"Oh, Iain!" Dylan cried out dramatically. "Everything goes back to Iain! He let her die. He didn't save her quick enough..."

"It wasn't Iain's fault, Dylan." Ethan sighed softly. "I'm sure you loved Sam and Ciara dearly but would they want you to do this to yourself?"

Dylan laughed bitterly. "Once a drunk, always a drunk. You're lucky... you got out in time."

"Yeah, at what cost? Losing my best friend and girlfriend-"

"You got them back!" Dylan retorted. "I bet... Alicia doesn't even know about you and Lily."

Ethan's heart dropped. "Not exactly but she doesn't have to know because we weren't together then and-and I'm not the father."

"You could have been-"

"No, you could have been because your girlfriend or whoever she was actually was pregnant for _you_."

"And she lost it, going back to the hubby who saves the day!" Dylan yawned.

"Ouch..." Ethan said under his breath. "Let me get you home and sorted for bed, Dylan. I'm sure you'll forget all of this drunken stupor by the morning."

"Yeah, yeah," Dylan said, waving him off as he settled his head against the window to sleep. "Don't wake me up-"

"I'm going to have to soon - Dylan? Dylan, wake up!" Ethan groaned. "Here's what I get for helping people..." He said.

But underneath, he knew he liked being the good, kind Ethan again.


	59. Chapter 59

**A short chapter for you guys, enjoy! Uni life's a struggle so far, haha.**

* * *

It made sense to Ethan as to why Alicia chose Gem over Jamila. It may also have to do with the fact that the three were planning an impromptu visit to Lily for Christmas or something in the near future.

"I can't wait to make it ours," Ethan heard Gem say to Rash.

Smiling to himself, he headed downstairs to where Alicia was busy making teas for her new flatmates.

"Now, you're not alone!" He told her.

Alicia smiled. "It feels amazing. To be back in my own bed, to have people around... I feel like I can get back to normal now."

"Well, good for you," Ethan said, taking his tea.

"Thanks for everything. You're amazing, you know that?" Alicia told him.

Ethan returned the smile. "You're amazing, too."

He grabbed his jacket and put it on, slipping his scarf on as well as he began to head to the front door, Alicia following him with a tea in her hand.

"I'm going to give Lily a call later on," she said. "Thanks for stopping by."

"No worries. I'll call her later too. Good luck!"

"Thanks," said Alicia.

After leaving, Ethan found himself at the dock, knocking on Dylan's door.

"Come on, I know you're in there. Dervla's barking!" Ethan called out. "Come on, Dylan."

There was a thump which made Ethan jump and about to spring into action but the door was forcefully opened, Dylan growling at Ethan who sighed.

"Can I come in?"

"Would have been a waste of a journey if you didn't. Well, if you must!"

Ethan tried not to breathe in the strong scent of alcohol and days of dirty dishes, bottles and cans.

It became unbearable when he nearly tripped over what seemed to be Dylan's dirty underwear.

Ethan wished it wasn't.

"Oh, okay," he said when he nearly tripped over a toppled dining chair. "We need to get this place cleaned and-"

Dervla rushed towards him, her leash in her mouth as she whined.

"Oh, Dylan..." Ethan sighed. "Come on, girl. Let's go get you that walk. We'll be back - can you get in the shower at least?"

Dylan grumbled from his position on his armchair, waving his hand in disinterest.

"Come on, girl," Ethan said, leashing Dervla.

They headed outside and Ethan allowed himself to breathe easier.

"Now, that smells better doesn't it, girl?"

Dervla barked happily, leading Ethan down the path.

"It's going to be short, girl but at least you'll get exercise. I'll let you in a secret, I need the exercise more than you do."

Dervla barked again, making Ethan laugh.

"Maybe I should get a dog. Or at least one for Alicia. Don't know where we'd find the time to look after one."

His phone began to ring and he slipped it out of his pocket, glancing at Lily's name on it.

"Hey, Lils. Haven't spoken to you in a while, how are you doing? How about the twins?"

 _"We're good. Sorry about the confusion. Phone was taken right under my nose as I tried to settle Scarlett. Uh, Eugene... You've met him."_

"I have," said Ethan. "He's nice."

 _"I'm sorry, I never told you about him. Urm, it was on and off. I couldn't stop thinking about Iain and everything... He just kept me company and I ended up confiding in him."_

Ethan sighed. "I'm sorry, I wasn't there."

 _"You were,"_ said Lily. _"I just wanted to tell you that I didn't mean to keep Eugene a secret. It's not everyday, someone's best friend has a boyfriend and is pregnant for another. You would have thought..."_

"I wouldn't have thought anything bad of you. You were lonely and you needed someone. Hey, just don't scare me like that. I was really worried about you and the kids."

Lily chuckled softly. _"I know. I'm sorry. You're a good man, Ethan. Look... There will be more times when I won't speak to you but don't think I'm abandoning our friendship. Life just gets in the way."_

Ethan nodded. "Yeah, it does. Alicia and I are going to make it work somehow."

 _"That's good, Ethan. I'm happy for you guys. I-I have to go. Callen's not napping well."_

"Oh, kiss the twins for me. I'll talk to you soon then."

The call abruptly ended and Ethan had managed to return his attention to Dervla who was trying to chase a pigeon into the water.

"Come on, Dervla!" He called out. "Let's get you home."


End file.
